Shutdown + NT (ADHD?) child -> viscious cycle

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It sounds like I have a very similar situation. I tend to shut down. My 6 year old daughter is extremely extroverted, probably adhd/asd, very sensitive to moods and always wants to help make everyone feel better. That's not anything I want to discourage, but sometimes I need space. I don't know if this would work for you, but I try to capitalize on her hyperfocus by having new craft or lego sets hidden in the closet to be pulled out as needed. When I shutdown, I do tell her how I feel and thank her for being so caring, and then I pull something out to divert her attention. A new lego set can give me a few hours.

Vicious cycle indeed! I remember trying to make my mother interact with me by tickling her and blowing in her ear when I was a child and my youngest son used to grab me by the chin and try and make me look at him when he was younger.

I was left with the impression that my mother never paid me any attention. I suspect my children might predominantly remember those times I couldn't interact and forget the huge amount of time I spent with them deliberately trying not to be like my mother, who in her mind was trying not to smother us because she felt smothered. I hope my efforts when I wasn't shutdown at least made some good impression on them. It is so painful seeing them all finding life so difficult. If they were at least happy I wouldn't have to feel such a total failure. Mothers are so powerful. I feel as though just a little attention would have made a huge difference to me and I hate what I have done to my own children with my own failures of attention.

But at least your children have a father to take up some of the slack when you can't cope. I didn't and my children don't. At least not one on the same continent.