People being nasty to me - hard to deal with

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I just got a nasty email from a customer saying I had messed up his phone system.

It turned out it was he who had made a mistake by asking me to re-program one of his phones when he meant a different phone.

He was really horrible, saying "Do you know what you're doing" and "Stop playing around with my system".

I emailed back saying that I was offended and copying in his email where he asked me to do the wrong phone, showing that it was his fault.

But it really hurt me or made me angry (I can't tell the difference, I never have been able to) - I was shaking visibly for a while.

I would like to be the sort of person who could just say to myself, "It's his fault - he's just a silly man - he is angry because his phone doesn't work and he obviously has an anger management problem of his own", etc - I mean, after all, why should I care? What does it have to do with me?

But I can't help being upset. I feel like walking out of work and getting drunk. I think that when someone treats me with disrespect it reminds me of all the years of disrespect I had at school, college, work, in relationships, just about everywhere ... until I found my way into the tiny, limited but habitable world I have recently built/discovered.

I am posting this partly because I just want to "talk" about it but also I think it is relevant because I think people on the spectrum get so much disrespect all the time and although this case is nothing to do with that directly, it is always about that for me ultimately, because when you have had years of disrespect then something like this reminds you and it is hard to cope with it. It's never just an isolated incident. It is like opening a wound

I'm really sorry you had to deal with that.

I cannot tell.
I could not even tell if I was in the same room as you when it happened.
But I think it is because of injustice.

Do you deal with customers on a daily basis? If so, this is just something you're going to need to get used to. Don't take anything personally! I know that's much easier said than done. But just remember that these people don't know you, they're just mad because things aren't going their way (usually due mostly in part to their own stupidity). There are a lot of hot heads out there. Believe me, I spoken to thousands of them over the 5 year period I worked as a customer service rep for a health insurance company. I worked in the HMO claims department, so you can imagine that I got yelled at A LOT! Everyday, all day pretty much. After a while I learned that the nicer you are, the more of an a-hole they feel like. A lot of times they would be apologizing to me by the end of the call. Don't let them get to you, those kinds of people are not worth your time.

I do not think it was a personal attack. it was just an angry person using you as a scapegoat because customers always feel like they have the right to be rude. as for disrespect in relationships and other areas of life, i would not take it too seriously either, even if it is really depressing. it is probably nothing more than manipulative people venting their anger on you because those on the spectrum are usually less assertive and the fact that they are more isolated makes them easy targets. in other words, even if everyone uses you as a verbal punching bag, i would try to realistically assess what everyone is saying to see if it is really true or whether it is just meaningless lies.

This stuff can really hurtful. Total respect to any one of you that can hack a job working with the public.

If it's any use when NT's lock on their long range sensors, and have a go at me, I've learned to be quietly assertive and give them a concrete example:

(Today)

High volume NT- "Oh I see you've got one of those dogs my sister has one of those jumps all over the furniture, can't train them." + further 56 seconds of NT canine related put-down blah.

Me : Very quietly to dog : "Come here please and put your lead on. (Smile at NT )" She's very calm, but loud voices can frighten her. " Walk away.

Why we should have to do this sort of stuff with them all the time is another question.

I wouldn't take it too personally. I work in phone customer service for an upscale department store and people are not upset with you personally, but much rather they are having a bad day, or have a beef with the company and the service or product that they have receieved previously. You are a representative of x company, so they feel the need to share their displeasure with you.

I totally relate. Please be careful on the reply emails, though. You can point out that he told you the wrong phone and leave him looking foolish, but as soon as you cross over into telling him "I was offended, etc" you not only weaken the impact but also risk censure from your company if you take it too far.

I want you to think about these scenarios:
SCENARIO 1
Customer: Fix 7, why are you fixing 8 you fool?
You: Here, you said fix 8, see?
Customer: <L-O-N-G pause> I'm the fool.

SCENARIO 2
Customer: Fix 7, why are you fixing 8 you fool?
You: Here, you said fix 8, see? And I am so offended by your tone and now I'm really upset and it's your fault.
Customer: Good I made the company feel my pain! And what a baby. I feel justified in what I said, wrong or not. In fact, who is this guy talking to me this way? I'm the customer, not him! What's his damn badge number? I'll show this little punk right now!

Do you get it? I'm not calling you a baby or being snarky. This is how the guy is thinking. In Scenario 1, you've given him absolutely nothing to grasp at except his error. In Scenario 2, you've provided something he can use to excuse his own bad behavior. And if you give them a hook to turn their anger at themselves back onto you, they will. Protect your job.

i think it's good that you've E-mailed him and stood up for yourself. I think that people try to blame us for their mistakes.

You lot are fantasitc ... once again I find myself thinking you are an amazing bunch:)

ViperaAspis - I see your point but I do still think that it is worth telling someone that they have offended you. I think offending people does matter. It is not nothihg. If somebody causes you pain then they have done something wrong and they should be told that. They should be made to face the fact that they upset somebody. Maybe they don't care - but at least they are aware of it then.

On the other hand, maybe I should just fix the phones and get somebody else to talk/write to the people. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I like little coloured wires

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I work in taxation, so I get some requests from irate taxpayers sometimes. Sometimes they have made multiple requests that were unclear or illegible and were therefore ignored by other staff, so they are often angry. Sometimes they made a request that didn't make any sense, so people before me decided to do something else.

The consolation is that they aren't directing it towards ME, but more of a general audience. So when I get responses like "My time is precious. I have better things to do than deal with your lack of common sense", I can't help but laugh.

Whose lack of common sense? I haven't even seen this request prior to this letter. My time is precious too, buddy.

Especially when their request indicates that THEY have a lack of common sense (like wanting me to apply a payment to a period that they've already gotten a refund for, and then complaining that they got their payment returned).