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Taineyah
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28 Sep 2004, 12:09 pm

I have a very close relationship with my bf's family. They've become accustomed to my peculiarities and never comment (except to remind me to take my voice down a notch when I get over excited.)

I also love my bf dearly.

Sadly, his Oma (Dutch for Grandmother) is dying. I really like the woman, even if she does freak me out by having to kiss me on the cheek everytime I see her. The doctors say she has 3 months left (she's 92, btw), but everyone who knows her says she'll be lucky to last the month.

My bf's been raised next door to his Oma and is very close to her. He's really upset and I don't know how to react.

He's been far more physical lately, initiating more hugs and kisses... I can barely deal!

He wants to pretend it's not happening, but I can't do that. I'm too logical.

If something doesn't change, I'm going to snap! I can't deal with all the hugs and crying, but my mum (an insensitive woman to the idea her "perfect" oldest daughter is an Aspie) says I can't avoid going over there and that I should go over more! She clears my schedule to send me over.

I don't know what to do, or why everyone's being so tactile. I've been spending a lot of time locking myself in my bf's spare room pretending I'm too upset to be seen, but I think they're starting to clue in.

What do I do??????????


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Postperson
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01 Oct 2004, 3:00 am

ugh, they must be feely-touchy generally...

My mum died last year and it was far more affecting than I thought (I'm middle aged) - I was surprised how much it affected me! I don't know what to say as my family isn't feely touchy or even close, so those things didn't come into it. I just cried alone a lot. People like to have their state (of sadness) acknowledged, I know I appreciated it enormously when people came out with those 'cliche' death statements and facial expressions (eg I'm so sorry to hear that... I'm sorry for your loss) - it actually means something when your going thru grieving . People who looked embarrassed and changed the subject (when you mention the death) annoyed me and seemed rude, so even if you're uttering cliches, and looking sad or worried, it will be appreciated.

PP



vetivert
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01 Oct 2004, 3:21 am

people are uncomfortable and frightened about death and grief - they don't know what to or say, and that's why they change the subject. i don't think it's meant to be rude, more like embarrassment, because they can't deal with it. it annoys me too, but people are just people.

taineyah, it must be such a difficult situation for you. it sounds as though the difficulty is more with your mum as she's hassling you (tell me if i've got this wrong). is it possible for you to explain what YOU need to her, as well as how you ARE trying to support your boyfriend? perhaps you could talk to her about how you feel about it all - that you find it hard to ignore it (i don't know if you have that sort of talky relationship with your mum. if not, is there anyone else?). and could you explain to your bf that hugs are a bit too much - is he able to compromise and just hold your hand, or something.

i don't know if any of this is helpful, but really hope things get easier for you.

take care.

V.



V111
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01 Oct 2004, 6:25 am

when my grandmother dad side of the family died i was very matter of fact about it. Like oh she is no more ok . but on the other hand when a high school rotc techer died it had more impact on me i was more in contact with him so it hit me harder. And yes talking about death is still very much a taboo subject but it sould not be everone will die someday.


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Kenorri
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01 Oct 2004, 4:50 pm

I have been present when many people have died. I am an RN in a busy critical care unit. You have nothing to fear from the person who is dying. As they leave this world all anyone wants is to be comfortable, warm, pain-free, and in the company of those who love them and those whom they love. If you care for this person just be near them, hold their hand, cover them with a blanket, give a sip of water, pray with them , stand in the door and just let them know you are near. You will be amazed at the transition from life to death, one moment they are there, and the next they are gone. You will know immediately, as the light fades from their eyes and their body relaxes. I find that afterwards there is a sense of relief and almost euphoria as everyone reacts to the knowlege that this person is gone forever and their pain is over. You can be a comfort and blessing to this person and this will make you feel needed and useful at a time when your own emotions and feelings are in an uproar. It is OK to cry, feel lonely, feel disembodied, even want to run or hide for awhile. These things will pass. Remember the good times, forgive any bad feelings, and hope that when it is your time to go, someone like you will be there to witness and make the time more manageable and less awkward. For what it's worth, Kenorri



Taineyah
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04 Oct 2004, 4:45 pm

Thanks for all the suggestions. I wish I could talk to my mum or my bf, but my mum is in denial that I'm not "perfect" (read:NT) and my bf refuses to accept the fact that he or anything in his little world has changed. He's trying to pretend that everything's okay.

I'm glad to know that death isn't terrifying. Man... I wish that Oma would just wake up one morning and go "Hey, I'm young again".


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UltimApe
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12 Oct 2004, 10:09 pm

The only people I would truely care about dying are those whom are close to me.

Otherwise, I am almost grostesqly indiffrent on the matter.
(death happens, no sense crying over spilt milk...)



Catffienated
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15 Oct 2004, 8:57 pm

People got angry at me for my lack of reaction to my own mother's death when I was in 6th grade. I just react more to changing my routine than people. I did care, but it doesn't show. Luckily, my therapist who is an expert in AS, understands I'm not some insenstive jerk.


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1Oryx2
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20 May 2006, 8:15 pm

Do your best. I know that's not really that helpful though. Also, if he wants to pretend that his grandmother isn't dying, for his sake, even if you are logical, play along. I dunno, maybe you already tried that, but if you haven't give it a shot. I'm guessing you're not too keen on the whole physical contact like hugging, so maybe you could find a way to 'hug' without 'hugging'. In the book 'A Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nigh time', the main character can't stand to be touched, so to hug his parents they spread their fingers apart and pressed their hands together. I dunno, maybe that could help. ^^

'We all have the genetic disposition to be idiots' -Oryx