Things that would make socializing predictable.

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Stoek
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10 Mar 2013, 5:48 pm

What are some things that you wish weren't total mysteries while socializing.

Here are mine.

1) Set times for getting together.

2) Set topics for discussion for at least part of the meet.

3) Set activities during the get together, nothing worst than trying to act casual while doing absolutely nothing.

4) Clear invitations for the gathering, with a clear list of who is showing up.

5) Hand signals used to give feedback for the person speaking. I.E. gestures like get to the point, what do you mean, I agree, I disagree etc.

6) A time period for criticizing your peers without repercussion.



AgentPalpatine
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10 Mar 2013, 6:31 pm

Some would suggest that's a business meeting, not a social meeting. You're right in implying the two arn't that far apart, but I'm not sure if the above recommendations can be easily inserted into an informal gathering.


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10 Mar 2013, 7:11 pm

One of these is do-able from your end:

Quote:
3) Set activities during the get together, nothing worst than trying to act casual while doing absolutely nothing.

At gatherings of my extended family we always have set activities. Whoever is hosting the event decides what activities to offer. It always includes food & drink plus an activity or the choice of a couple of activities; poker, watch specific sports event, other card games, specific board games...........
Sometimes we just sit around and talk but that's rare.

Host some get-togethers yourself, then you can insert the activity. Who knows, it might catch on and be offered by others in your social group.


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A time period for criticizing your peers without repercussion.

Good luck with that.



Stoek
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12 Mar 2013, 10:17 am

MountainLaurel wrote:
One of these is do-able from your end:
Quote:
3) Set activities during the get together, nothing worst than trying to act casual while doing absolutely nothing.

At gatherings of my extended family we always have set activities. Whoever is hosting the event decides what activities to offer. It always includes food & drink plus an activity or the choice of a couple of activities; poker, watch specific sports event, other card games, specific board games...........
Sometimes we just sit around and talk but that's rare.

Host some get-togethers yourself, then you can insert the activity. Who knows, it might catch on and be offered by others in your social group.


Quote:
A time period for criticizing your peers without repercussion.

Good luck with that.
As far a criticizing your peers, when it's open you'd be surprised how careful pick there words.


Yeah I would like the post things and did when I lived with friends, however for the majority of my adult life I was living with roommates that I wasn't close too.



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12 Mar 2013, 11:32 am

Appropriate topics for conversation in a given situation, appropriate amount of time spent on a topic, when a "stock" response is expected and what it is, where to look and what facial expressions to use while talking, what to do when criticized, what to do when something seems wrong and you don't know what, how to explain an aspie mistake while staying in the closet, etc.

I don't think it can be made predictable, though. But I'm just a bitter old lady.



WrongWay
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12 Mar 2013, 11:46 am

I find that usually when meeting friends we have a purpose for us meeting (eg having lunch) and a given time to meet so there's already a plan and it's predictable. Unless of course we deviate from the plan but I'm not overly adverse to that. Though sometimes I find myself planning conversations beforehand if there's something I want to talk about when I meet them.


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Stoek
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12 Mar 2013, 12:13 pm

WrongWay wrote:
I find that usually when meeting friends we have a purpose for us meeting (eg having lunch) and a given time to meet so there's already a plan and it's predictable. Unless of course we deviate from the plan but I'm not overly adverse to that. Though sometimes I find myself planning conversations beforehand if there's something I want to talk about when I meet them.
Makes me wonder if part of the problem is that I grew up around flakey types that get overwhelmed with the thought of having to be on time for anything.



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12 Mar 2013, 12:24 pm

Stoek wrote:
WrongWay wrote:
I find that usually when meeting friends we have a purpose for us meeting (eg having lunch) and a given time to meet so there's already a plan and it's predictable. Unless of course we deviate from the plan but I'm not overly adverse to that. Though sometimes I find myself planning conversations beforehand if there's something I want to talk about when I meet them.
Makes me wonder if part of the problem is that I grew up around flakey types that get overwhelmed with the thought of having to be on time for anything.


Actually sometimes my friends turn up late as well, though usually I can accept this as long as there isn't something else we don't want to be late for (eg movie, going to class together). I used to always arrive on time or early (sometimes too early) but now I sometimes arrive late (either by accident or on purpose) especially if the friends I'm meeting have a habit of being late themselves, or so that I'm 'fashionably late'.


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Stoek
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12 Mar 2013, 12:25 pm

AgentPalpatine wrote:
Some would suggest that's a business meeting, not a social meeting. You're right in implying the two arn't that far apart, but I'm not sure if the above recommendations can be easily inserted into an informal gathering.


It does make you wonder if more formal social interaction might be needed for aspies.

I fail to see why this issue doesn't get more attention.

It seems that many folk are thrown in the deep end early in life, being expected to swim before they can even walk.



Last edited by Stoek on 12 Mar 2013, 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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12 Mar 2013, 12:34 pm

If people would ignore the rules of conversation and not wait to be asked questions about themselves, but just feel free to go on and say whatever it is that's on their minds, I'd have a lot more friends. I love it when people go on and on and I don't have to pry information out of them. Just talk--don't worry about "conversing".


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Stoek
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12 Mar 2013, 12:39 pm

Mindsigh wrote:
If people would ignore the rules of conversation and not wait to be asked questions about themselves, but just feel free to go on and say whatever it is that's on their minds, I'd have a lot more friends. I love it when people go on and on and I don't have to pry information out of them. Just talk--don't worry about "conversing".


This works just fine if one wants to be simply a spectator of nts, but this tends not to work to well if the content being spoken about isn't wanted.

I think one of the main reasons aspies fail to band together is the lack of structure to their interactions.

In my experience there tends to be a great deal of conflict contest over who gets to talk and what about.



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12 Mar 2013, 12:52 pm

The only interactions that go well for me tend to be either those where there is a specific topic all parties find interesting, or those where there is alcohol involved.

When I'm talking to someone who is really geeky about a particular topic (a professor, for instance) I'll often feel as though I'm dealing with another aspie when the person is actually NT. The "world" of being really into a topic, being more interested in the content of a discussion than the form, is my home turf and only when I can meet another person there do I feel like I'm really meeting them at all.



Ettina
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12 Mar 2013, 1:34 pm

Quote:
When I'm talking to someone who is really geeky about a particular topic (a professor, for instance) I'll often feel as though I'm dealing with another aspie when the person is actually NT. The "world" of being really into a topic, being more interested in the content of a discussion than the form, is my home turf and only when I can meet another person there do I feel like I'm really meeting them at all.


Incidentally, many people have suggested that undiagnosed AS or BAP are common in academics. So maybe they aren't as NT as you think.



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12 Mar 2013, 3:58 pm

Stoek wrote:
Mindsigh wrote:
If people would ignore the rules of conversation and not wait to be asked questions about themselves, but just feel free to go on and say whatever it is that's on their minds, I'd have a lot more friends. I love it when people go on and on and I don't have to pry information out of them. Just talk--don't worry about "conversing".


This works just fine if one wants to be simply a spectator of nts, but this tends not to work to well if the content being spoken about isn't wanted.

I think one of the main reasons aspies fail to band together is the lack of structure to their interactions.

In my experience there tends to be a great deal of conflict contest over who gets to talk and what about.


I have trouble thinking of things to ask people about themselves. I have worked where I work for 15 years but most of my coworkers are strangers to me still.


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12 Mar 2013, 6:54 pm

Quote:
6) A time period for criticizing your peers without repercussion.


You're expecting people to be inhuman.


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Stoek
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13 Mar 2013, 8:18 am

Mindsigh wrote:
Stoek wrote:
Mindsigh wrote:
If people would ignore the rules of conversation and not wait to be asked questions about themselves, but just feel free to go on and say whatever it is that's on their minds, I'd have a lot more friends. I love it when people go on and on and I don't have to pry information out of them. Just talk--don't worry about "conversing".


This works just fine if one wants to be simply a spectator of nts, but this tends not to work to well if the content being spoken about isn't wanted.

I think one of the main reasons aspies fail to band together is the lack of structure to their interactions.

In my experience there tends to be a great deal of conflict contest over who gets to talk and what about.


I have trouble thinking of things to ask people about themselves. I have worked where I work for 15 years but most of my coworkers are strangers to me still.
Most people tend not to want to talk about themselves, atleast ones that are not total narcissists.