Dealing with houseguests and other people's friends over?

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I find it hard to even visit my parents because it seems like they ALWAYS have people over.

Either their friends are dropping by, or coming for Sunday lunch, or they have someone staying the night.

My mom says, "Oh, Traver doesn't come by much anymore...", with him "only" coming over for Sunday lunch and dropping by on a Tuesday night. To me, twice a week is a lot. And, they have a variety of friends, so sometimes people will only "drop by" half the week, but some "drop by visits" are an hour or more. Even having just one friend come over to my house once every week is too much for me. I don't understand how they can deal with multiple friends coming over, meaning they have guests visit them 3+ days a week. Sometimes they'll let friends stay the night at their house for weeks. How do people deal with that?

If I ever get married, my spouse and I will have a "no long-term overnight guests" policy. I couldn't stand someone (other than my potential kids or in-laws) living with me for weeks. Parents and in-laws excluded. And, most socializing should be outside of the house. Having friends "stop by" even 3 days a week is more than I could tolerate. Even if it's "just" for an hour, that's a lot of visits. I like to come home from work and be alone in a quiet space. It's hard to visit my parent's house even for a week with all the guests they have dropping by.

How much is too much for visitors for you?

How often do you have friends over? What is a normal amount?

How quiet and alone is your house?

when my daughter comes over she brings a pack of friends over,and I mean pack.She is the exact opposite of me,she loves being around ALOT of people.I only see her a couple times a year so I feel I have to endure this because that's what good parents do,right?They are really nice people but after awhile they seem to suck the very oxygen out of the room.I retreat into my room,turn the fan on and try to go to sleep.I HAVE to recharge,I don't think she understands this.she said"why are you so tired?You must have something wrong with you!".I try to explain that talking to people for over an hour exhausts me mentally and physically.I just endure,that's all I can do.I try to keep it in mind that it is not forever and they all will eventually leave.I had one friend that was 86 years old that I really could feel o.k. Around,like he really got me.Sadly he died two years ago.We visited a couple times a month and I don't really have any visitors now except my kids and their entourage.Him I miss. he was the example of what a human should be,I feel lucky that I knew him.Most people I don't click with,I don't really dislike them, just the way they make me feel.I don't invite people over.

With me everything depends on the people and the element of surprise.

Basically I don't trust people readily and I don't want people I hardly know or like invading my privacy. It's very difficult if I'm living with somebody who is OK themselves but has a friend or two who is too far off my wavelength to feel like anything better than an intrusion. I've no big problem with most folks if they're reasonably polite, but I can't stand domineering or catty people.

All of which gives big problems if you live with anybody. The place is not your castle alone, and you can't really tell your cohabitee who can visit and who can't. Best solution is to only live with people who share your views on which folks are tossers and which people are lovely. If that doesn't overlap, I guess negotiation or compromise is probably the only thing for it.

What I really used to hate was when I tolerated visits from annoyng people only to get told later that I was wrong not to "make the effort" with them - I know some people would feel hurt by this, but I don't see it as my duty to associate with other people's guests. I'll try, if I'm feeling up to it (it's rather a hard and slow process for me to make a friend from scratch), and I'll be reasonably polite, say hello and hide my suspicion and annoyance, and give them a fair chance to get on with me, but I have no duty to hob-nob with people I haven't selected myself, only a wish to turn my cohabitee's friends into mutual friends...........of course it's much better that way, but if I get a whiff of guilt-tripping or force, I'll become angry, because it insinuates I'm not really trying and am only being Aspie to annoy people.

I dislike when people show up unexpectedly. I am better able to deal with that if they routinely come over and over time it's easier for me to interact with them. If I do wake up and realize there are additional people in the house, it will take me longer to leave my room.

People who show up rarely with little or no notice, I don't talk to. This includes relatives. I remember once coming out of my bedroom to use the bathroom and immediately my mother tells me that one of my uncles is there. Literally, "Hey, come in here and socialize with someone you did not know would be coming over!" Or when people try to push me into interacting. I have nothing against them, but I find it extremely difficult to adapt to that kind of situation.

When they're over frequently, then their presence becomes part of my overall routine. I may not talk to them (it can take months before I talk to some), but I no longer feel like I need to avoid them at all costs.

When I lived with my grandmother, relatives came over semi-frequently, but not frequently enough for me to be able to cope with it. I remember one night I got home and there was a stranger sleeping on the couch. Now, I'd been waiting all day to get home so I could watch a DVD and decompress, but I couldn't watch the DVD, so I wasn't able to decompress, and it took me forever to get to sleep. When I moved out to live with some people I knew from online, they had guests over all the time. It was pure Hell, even when I adapted to some of them and accepted their presence and liked many of them.

Now living with my family, I do get a week's warning about some guests, which helps a lot.

Difficult to answer. Any visitors that I have to interact with for more than a few minutes are too many, really.
But that doesn't mean we never have visitors ... see below.




Friends? very very rarely. Maybe once or twice a year. And only for an evening. If I want to see someone I will usually arrange to do something like go to the cinema with them but this is quite rare as I prefer the cinema on my own or with my husband.

Occasionally, maybe once every couple of years I do have overnight guests when a workshop is running locally and accommodation is needed but they stay a couple of nights and are out during the day only coming back to sleep so that is OK.

My parents come to visit for a weekend maybe once a year (if that) - by the end of the weekend I'm going nuts and can't wait for them to leave - it's too long to have other people in my house that I have to engage with.

"Dropping in" is actively discouraged. Even the in-laws who live close by don't drop in: sometimes they need to come round to help us with something or drop something off but they always phone first to determine when would be best, and never stay for longer than is necessary. I would never just drop in on someone - if someone wants me to visit them they'll have to give me a date and time.

I don't know what is normal.



Don't really understand this question. But pretty quiet and mostly it's just me & my husband at home. We also each like being home alone alone - i.e. without the other - as it is quite a treat If one of us is going away for a couple of days for work, the other will usually take it as a holiday from work and enjoy spending time alone at home.

I never have anyone over to the house, it just makes me feel so uncomfortable - my home is my own personal space and I really need it to be mine alone. My son is really good and tends to go and see his friends rather than have them round but they do sometimes just turn up, teenagers are like that, and I tend to hide in the kitchen or the garden, which is a bit embarrassing (for me and my son). If people come round unexpectedly, like the neighbours for example, I go outside and speak to them in the front garden, which they must think is a bit rude or strange. I realise afterwards that I should have asked them in and offered them a drink.

I'm OK with visiting people for an hour or two at their houses or meeting them for coffee or something. I have a friend who I visit maybe once a fortnight and I see my mother about once every couple of months, but I could cope with seeing them once a week. I'm not sure why this is easier than having them round - I did used to be able to have people round, but now it seems to be a problem. Maybe it is because home is where I am myself and where I recharge and shut out the world, and so trying to do sociable is a bit much when I'm home, but I expect to have to put a persona on when I am out of the house, so maybe this is why it is easier.

My home is very quiet because I live quite rurally and I just have a cat and my son, and he has quite sensitive hearing like me so he tends to have the TV quite quiet when he's watching it, or he wears headphones when he is playing videogames. I think if I didn't have to go to work I'd probably be quite a hermit, so it's probably good that I do, as I find the less I interact with people on a regular basis, the less well I am able to interact - it's like one of those "use it or lose it" skills for me

Not on my turf!!

We almost NEVER have anyone over. It makes me grossly uncomfortable. If we invite someone I can deal. If someone drops by or if someone we invite BRINGS someone else UGH.

We let my MIL visit one weekend every 2 months. She is a handful herself as she has borderline personality disorder and hates me. But she almost always will invite someone over or bring her daughter or boyfriend who we did not invite. And it really bugs me.

One time after I had my second baby when I was still home on maternity leave the person who is closest to being a friend stopped by to drop off an edible arrangement for us (it was nice, had strawberries on it). But I about **** a brick. I about kicked him out of the house and my husband was like "wtf, he was just being nice" and all I could do was have a meltdown. The house was also not tidy which just makes it soooo much worse. I'm all agitated just thinking about it. I do not hold it against my friend though, I realize that the issue is with me.

I can handle my sister and her family, my wife's sister and her husband, and maybe some close friends occasionally, but that's it. My wife had a birthday party at our house a couple of years ago and all her friends and some of their husbands showed up. I was conveniently working at the office, which caused a little problem. I eventually made it up to her, of course. She didn’t really understand what I go through then, and she’s more tolerant now. I NEVER go to parties or get-togethers at her friends’ homes. It’s just too much. As far as pop-ins, I despise them. Not only is it unsettling, it’s rude. I’ve actually refused to answer the door before.

I do work on a presumption that I won't answer the door. Not set in stone but these days the only people who call unexpectedly are hawkers and tinpots........my friends warn me by text, phone or email. It used to be more difficult before we got all these communication gizmos.

I was in one area where we all knew each other and we would visit each other at random, another guy's place was the centre for most of the swarming so I got more privacy, and everybody had their own space to retreat to if they wanted, and nobody would put you down if you needed to decompress. It was a good time for me.