"Does that make sense?"

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There often seems to be a communication barrier, or a wall, between me and other people that seems to block what comes out of my mouth making sense to the person i am talking to, or vice versa. So, i've starting asking, "does that make sense?" to make sure the other person at least understood what i said, so that the conversation can go on from there. I do this often with my boyfriend and it seems to work well. However, apparently it is NOT a good thing to do around people who do understand how u interact with them. I was having what was suppposed to be a conversation with my mom, who notoriously misinterrprets my intentions, about the possiblility of me seeking a diagnosis of aspergers. I told her that i wanted to do so to seek the comfort that would come from knowing and to stop my own self doubt about the issue. Also that it would give me a platform to know how to address certain difficulties that i have in the right manner instead of trying more things that don't work. Then i asked "does that make sense?" Uh oh. Bad idea. She became angry and said "i don't know what u are asking me to do, if you want me to just agree with you. I am not just going to jump on your bandwagon." It got worse from there, neither of us understanding each other. I could not see what i had done wrong, i had only tried to ask her if it made sense to her y i would consider getting a diagnosis, i could not understand her anger. So i asked my boyfriend later that night what in the world had happened, bc he understands these things much better than me, and he understands the way i talk and has known me long enough and well enough to understand my intentions. According to him, by asking her "does that make sense" she percieved that as me trying to get her to agree with me so that later in the conversation i would already have her on my side and she'd have to go along w/ what i said. What the...? Stew told me that ya, that doesn't make sense to those like me who think literally and have good intentions, but that that's the way most human minds work. I was NOT trying to manipulate her to agree with me, i only wanted to talk and make sure that we understood each other......oh well. Anyone else have trouble with this?

jnet,

That is COMMON! To put it as Jesus said in the Bible. SORRY, I AM agnostic!

"A prophet is not welcome in his/her own land."

The context MIRRORS your problem. People assume things based on their memories of their perception of past events, and greet your ideas with suspicion. Does that make sense? Sorry, I couldn't resist!

Steve

What you say makes sense, and I have actually resorted to exactly the same thing you do. I ask "does what I just said make sense?", and I'm doing it more and more, with some success. I realised that actually my mum is pretty slow to pick up what I'm talking about, and yes there is a lot of miscommunication. So ditto. Persistence, to those who will listen to you, seems to work, they understand in the end.

Also I have strong intentions when it comes to this idea of 'knowing something' and when people only 'think they know something' which is entirely different. Lots of NTs seem to assume more than they actually know is true, mostly just going with the common opinion or whatever, following the herd as it were... I have had long conversations about this.

My exact reaction.

WHY do people always presume that everything everyone else does is to manipulate or annoy them?

I think it's polite to make sure that you are making sense.

I think mothers themselves can be a problem. This is why I won't be attempting to discuss AS with mine.

I wasn't afraid to say things as a kid bc. I didn't know better than to speak my mind. Now that I'm older, I've more experiences of communication going terribly wrong, so I'm more reluctant to say anything to most folks. Language obfuscates as much as it clarifies. Words don't mean the same thing to all people, we all have quite unique patterns of connections & associations in our heads. People routinely jump to conclusions (and can be stubborn about their assumptions), I'm no exception. Sometimes people have incompatible belief or value systems, and therefore have conflict-that's a given, we each have our own ideas of what's "right". Other times the folks interacting would be able to get along & agree, if only they weren't misperceiving & misunderstanding each other-that seems like needless suffering & stress.
Once when I was a kid, my mother's boyfriend & I had a conversation that ended like this: I said "You don't HAVE to" & he screamed "I don't HAVE to do anything". I meant my words literally, but also to cover myself in case he said no to whatever I'd requested-had no idea how it provoked him. Can't recall what I'd asked him for (or to do), but it was JUST a question about something I wanted & he freaked out on me all of a sudden (I probably dissolved in tears & hid in my room). Didn't have dx as kid-my behavior wasn't examined for meaning/reasons beyond personal failures of character.
More recently, I try to use metaphors to compare things & relationships for which we lack shared understanding about. If other person & I can't find common ground for what something means to each other, I offer up comparisons & say "Is it like this ?" until I hit on something familiar & similar enough to bridge gap in interpretation.
Like about getting a dx, the concept of uncertainty & self-doubt & having an outside authority assess you-that makes sense to me. To explain to someone else, it might help to compare the motivation/how situation makes you feel to a totally different scenario (that still contains same essential elements) that maybe is more obvious to other person. Original post by jnet sounds like parent is doing "blame the messenger", idea of "there's no problem other than you saying there's a problem". That's how my family was.
Sounds fair & appropriate for you to seek support/official assessment, the better you understand what the problem is & is not, the better you can address it. Seems sensible & wise to consult a professional about whether AS (or another acronym) label applies to you. It's good idea to search out specific answers because the same symptom can indicate various underlying origins. Compare it to finding out cause for sore throat: you'd want to know if you've strep, mono, a cold, or what-because that info. would guide how to intervene. If it's mono, one might be rx'd corticosteroids to reduce tonsil swelling, but if it's strep one may be rx'd antibiotics instead. I wouldn't take antibiotics for a cold, because that won't help & may harm-it's not a "one-size-fits-all" situation/solution.