Coping with being hurt by another aspie.

Post Reply New Topic

I have AS and so does one of my friends. I went through a bad time some months ago with a serious physical illness and she said some very hurtful things to me over the course of several months. I finally told her this weekend how hurt I had been by what she had been saying and she said that it's because she has AS and implied that I would have to put up with it and she was very angry with me for being hurt and for telling her about it. I know that one of the symptoms of AS in some people is insensitivity to the feelings of others, but at the same time I don't feel it is right to walk on the feelings of others and not apologise because it is AS. One AS thing I do is to interrupt people and I do apologise for my rudeness if it is pointed out to me. I don't expect my friend to change and be tactful as I know that she can't. But it would be nice if she didn't expect me not to have feelings or not to let her hurt me without saying anything. I just needed to get this off my chest, as it is making me so sad. Thank you to anyone who reads it.

not being tacfull is one thing but if you explain you have been upset with her actions then she should be understanding and apoligise, it seems as if she is not being nice anyway, aspergers is not an excuse for all nasty behaviour, especially if you have pointed out that you have been hurt by what she has said.

you seem like a nice person and you should not put up with your friends actions, perhaps you should try and explain what has upset you in a different way, you would not do that to her would you, so its not fair on you really.

I am going to chuck this fly into the ointment for you - you decide if it applies or not....

My husband is always saying stupid hurtful things, which I have told him he should not say, to me and to our kids. I gave up believing he will ever change. I still try to make him understand, and at the same time try to help my kids develop ways to deal with it, but I actually have come to believe he is incapable of changing. He grew up pretty much alone. It was just his Mum and he until he was 13, then she died and he was alone. He has had almost not schooling. His social development was not typical, so I don't think he is capable of understanding certain things.

I am studying psychology a bit, and now I have learned that his brain probably did not get certain kinds of stimulation at key times in his development, so I probably should just accept some of his flaws.

Of course, I cannot say whether anything like this applies to your friend. What I mean for you is that your friend is what she is. Perhaps she can change and perhaps she can't. It is not in your control. If she is a bit insensitive, or maybe not good at understanding the impact of her behaviour on you, and if you find it hard to cope with that, then you may have to decide either to learn ways to deal with it and manage your friendship, and your feelings, or to reduce contact with her.

I had a friend for several years in my teens and to around 30. She was always hurting me. I barely even hear about her any more. I cannot think about her without feeling bitterness and anger at the way she treated me (whether she meant to or not does not matter at this point). I also regret that I tolerated it for so long. I let her walk all over me. I LET her. So it was also my stupid choice.

If you are a bit too sensitive, like I am, them think about whether or not you are strong enough to take that sort of thing.

Some people truly don't have the brain function of feeling bad about hurting other people's feelings, so you may be eggspecting your friend to come up with feelings that she doesn't have and make emotional eggspressions that are fake and not connected to any feelings that she has. This may not be a thing that is possible for her and her brain to do, just as some other people can't read body language or speak.

I just went through something similar a couple of nights ago after a conversation with a close friend who has some similar aspie traits to my own, and several different ones. His reaction, assumptions, and overreaction to some things I had said were hurtful in the moment and on the surface, hooooowever, I was able to restrain myself from saying anything I'd regret as I realized, even right then during the conversation, that his reactions and responses were due to his own aspie traits and thus I couldn't allow myself to take them personally and dwell on it. I knew he'd be fired up for a minute, blow off some steam, and then return back to his normal self - which he did. We talked the issue(s) out a bit so I could clarify what my thoughts were & counter his assumptions without being rude and making him acknowledge his assumptions and following response were inappropriate. I'm sure he realized well enough when I clarified my position in the discussion, plus I avoided potentially firing him up again and making things worse w/ this approach. I then made sure to confirm that we were still on good friendly terms before we parted ways - this way I know neither of us is harbouring any ill will or hard feelings, or wonders if the other is.

I know it sounds a bit cryptic and vague by omitting the context of a conversation, but I think there's value in the framework of what I've written above. Try tolerating impulsive aspie responses to you, even when they're very negative, and don't take them personally. Remind yourself they're only thinking, feeling, and acting that way *because of* their own aspie traits and they may not otherwise speak to you like that. Appeal to their logical side and clarify anything, tactfully, without escalating things by directly pointing out their assumptions or overreactions. Then don't hold onto anything, no grudges, no wondering what they're thinking or feeling - nothing - and do it by communicating. Ask them flat out if you're both on good terms, and if not resolve it, but if so (since most of us will be honest to a fault) then it's all good, you can go home with a clear head and not waste any energy thinking about stuff like this for days/weeks/months driving yourself nuts in the process.

How does the mental arithmatic work?

If someone is oblivious to the fact that they are hurting others-then- you would think that they would be oblivious to being hurt back. You could insult them, and they would fail to read it as an insult.

But apparently not. If anything-these people who dont know anybetter when they hurt the people around them seem to be more thin skinned and MORE sensitive to verbal injury than the people around them-not less so.

How does that work?

If person A is mentally challenged enough to say hurtful things to person B- then logically- person A would also be too mentally challenged and insenstive to be hurt themselves- if person B said those same things to them ( person A).

But -for some reason these mentally challenged person A's who dish it out, if anything, are less able to take it .

So why is that?

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just hang instruction manuals around our necks? I have very little tact, and never understood the need for it for the longest time. It always made me incredibly angry that people wouldn't just come out and state their views because it seemed like they were being devious or dishonest otherwise. That's great that you were able to discuss and clarify what issues came up, but if you felt that the responses you received were inappropriate why didn't you speak up? I'd prefer that if I was in that position, because I can be truly clueless in my delivery.

Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 19 Feb 2013, 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My best friend also has AS and we've had some pretty heated arguments. It's possible that your friend didn't realize she was hurting your feelings and then was caught off guard by your reaction. That's happened to me before and I usually don't react with the most tact right away when that happens. I will usually often get very defensive about it and will usually need to take some time to realize I'm at least partially in the wrong and apologize.

Oh, would it ever be awesome!

Ironically, this is what got him fired up. I took the long soft-sell way around delivering my message, trying to be very polite & tactful, because I didn't want to upset him. It turned out that he wasn't nearly as offended by my message as my delivery. His anger was in that I didn't just flat out say what I had to say and let him react & respond to it however he was going to. Instead, he took my politeness as thinking for him & assuming he'd be offended, and he doesn't care for anyone assuming to know what he thinks about something. It then took a few minutes to explain that my "beating around the bush," was intended as polite, not offensive, as I realized the potential offence the nature of what I had to say could have caused. I also didn't know that he felt this way about communicating things of a sensitive nature. Live and learn.. and all was well before we parted ways, so it's all good in the end. Now I know for next time I have anything similar to say, to just say it & let the cards fall where they may.

Total agreement.

I was rereading your post, and this really resonated with me. I understand the mechanics, but seem to backslide from applying this under stressful situations. This really helped nudge me back on a more positive track, so thanks for the good advice.