why do I make such bad first impressions?

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hollowmoon
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24 Sep 2015, 11:07 pm

NOBODY likes me when they first meet me. All of my friends have told me they didn't like me on sight. I think this is really limited my social opportunities. What gives a bad first impression/ how do I stop doing this?



EzraS
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25 Sep 2015, 12:01 am

Have you asked your friends what it is they did not like about you?

I am bad at self awareness. Most of what I know about how I behave in public has been told to me.
Like one thing I was told is that I look unhappy and kind of have a scowling look when around a bunch of people, even though I do not feel that way. So now I try to smile more. I do that by thinking of stuff that makes me happy.
I think the scowling look is from all the sensory stuff I am taking in and processing.



hollowmoon
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25 Sep 2015, 12:15 am

EzraS wrote:
Have you asked your friends what it is they did not like about you?

I am bad at self awareness. Most of what I know about how I behave in public has been told to me.
Like one thing I was told is that I look unhappy and kind of have a scowling look when around a bunch of people, even though I do not feel that way. So now I try to smile more. I do that by thinking of stuff that makes me happy.
I think the scowling look is from all the sensory stuff I am taking in and processing.


They said it was more of a "vibe".



Kiriae
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25 Sep 2015, 7:18 am

I am the opposite. I make good first impressions and then I mess up and people tell me they had no idea I am that kind of person.

But I am a person that is capable of saying stuff like "I am depressed and anxious" with a Duchenne smile on my face so I can't blame them for not knowing real me. I don't use the correct body language.



dianthus
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25 Sep 2015, 7:17 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
They said it was more of a "vibe".


This could mean anything.

From what you've said in other threads, I think people feel insecure around you. People basically just want to be put at ease. It can be as simple as smiling vs. not smiling. NT brains are wired to associate emotion with faces. If you seem blank or unexpressive, or reserved, they will still read some sort of emotional meaning into it. They may just project their own doubts/worries/fears into your face.


Kiriae wrote:
I am the opposite. I make good first impressions and then I mess up and people tell me they had no idea I am that kind of person.

But I am a person that is capable of saying stuff like "I am depressed and anxious" with a Duchenne smile on my face so I can't blame them for not knowing real me. I don't use the correct body language.


Same for me.



existentialterror
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26 Sep 2015, 2:31 pm

The only people that I really don't like upon first impression are people with closed-off body language (folded arms, limited eye-contact, etc) when trying to engage them in conversation. (I realize this is somewhat hypocritical, as I have difficulty w/ eye-contact personally)



IgA
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26 Sep 2015, 9:42 pm

I think I have bad chemistry with most people -- meaning my body chemistry doesn't match up with most others, which turns on their "I feel weird around this person" feelings. Their brain needs to make sense of those "bad vibe" feelings, so they cognitively justify it by assuming "hey, this must be a bad person to hang around, because I have a bad feeling". This occurs before they get to know me. Most of the time they decide not to, but sometimes they do --- unfortunately it is with a bad attitude. I get a lot of passive-aggressive interactions with people because of their initial "bad vibes". However, their (from my perspective) "strange behavior" ... by that I mean it isn't kind or unkind, because it is hard to classify ... makes me defensive because I'm unsure what to do when I can't classify an interaction as bad or good. My defensive behavior leads them to feel justified by their initial "bad vibe" and decide to just be mean the rest of the time.

This explanation is a long history of hindsight analysis. I began writing down specific interactions I had like a script for a play, and analyzing them. It took many scripts to figure out the problem. I don't yet have a solution. Well, I do, but it isn't a fix. I have decided to try living in another country to see if I fit in there. I'm learning the language, and must visit several times before I decide to make the move. It is a sad reality that I have to leave my home country because I can't fit in enough to make a good living and have a decent life (one without so much conflict that stems from simple misunderstanding).



BeaArthur
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26 Sep 2015, 9:53 pm

It could be your body language, your facial expression, or it could be a matter of grooming and attire. So many of us aspies protest that we shouldn't have to conform, but if you want to make a good first impression, you need to figure out what others need in order to create a comfort zone for them.


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IgA
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26 Sep 2015, 10:14 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
It could be your body language, your facial expression, or it could be a matter of grooming and attire. So many of us aspies protest that we shouldn't have to conform, but if you want to make a good first impression, you need to figure out what others need in order to create a comfort zone for them.



I understand your post, but there are a few problems. First, how can one person create a comfort zone for so many people? It is one against 7 billion+. If you scale it back to just the town you live in, then you need to figure out comfort zones for thousands (or hundreds if you scale back to just people you encounter regularly), each having slightly different kinds of comfort zones. Second, there is a saying most people are taught when they are young (even though it is rarely practiced), which is "Don't judge a book by it's cover". How can the tolerance movement ever get any farther if we don't allow people to be themselves? Or is it "Be yourself, only if you are like everyone else?"



BeaArthur
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26 Sep 2015, 10:44 pm

OK, you convinced me by your blinding argumentative skills.

You will continue to make bad first impressions. All the people you hoped to impress are jerks. They should accept you despite your unappealing "cover."


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dianthus
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26 Sep 2015, 10:50 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
OK, you convinced me by your blinding argumentative skills.

You will continue to make bad first impressions. All the people you hoped to impress are jerks. They should accept you despite your unappealing "cover."


BeaArthur wrote:
...but please don't be sarcastic toward someone who only meant well.



BeaArthur
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26 Sep 2015, 11:04 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
...but please don't be sarcastic toward someone who only meant well.


Talk about being quoted way, way out of context. The contexts were not parallel situations and thus this quote is not apropos. But it's good to know when someone literally stores up grudges to be lobbed on future occasions.


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IgA
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26 Sep 2015, 11:55 pm

I just think people should be nice to each other no matter what is on the outside. Even if someone looks angry, treating them bad will not help them be less angry. Besides, being angry isn't a crime or immoral. A scowl on someone's face should not elicit negativity. It should be a sign the person might need help, or they are deep in thought and could use a 'sounding board' to work things out.

If someone is dressed in torn or dirty or outdated clothes, this should not elicit negativity either. Getting to know someone's character can only occur over an extended amount of time. Judging someone based only on what you see in the few minutes upon meeting them should not be acceptable in people past the age of 10-12 years old.

There is an idea about if you treat people negatively, this just shows how much you devalue yourself. The "bad" you assume of others is likely a trait you yourself have (and hate). People punish others for the very flaws they want to get rid of. That is just an idea, and not fact for every situation. It is just something to think about.

I should clarify that last idea. That 'bad flaw' may or may not be present in the other person. There is a thing called "projection". This is where there is something in their self they don't like, and they see it in others (real or imagined), and decide to not like that person because of it. It is along the same concept of having an obsession and seeing that subject everywhere, even if it is out of context. I was obsessed with coincidence not that long ago. I made lists of matches (words, names, phrases) that I encountered. For example, I read a book with a character named Joaquin. The very next day, that name (same spelling) was in the news. I never heard that name till I read it in that book ... however, I likely heard it before, just didn't make a connection to it till it was more personal. I had to stop making notes of the coincidences because it made me a bit crazy. I still see them, but let them pass without taking notes, because it isn't important. It is a waste of time and energy.



HisShadowX
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27 Sep 2015, 12:06 am

hollowmoon wrote:
EzraS wrote:
Have you asked your friends what it is they did not like about you?

I am bad at self awareness. Most of what I know about how I behave in public has been told to me.
Like one thing I was told is that I look unhappy and kind of have a scowling look when around a bunch of people, even though I do not feel that way. So now I try to smile more. I do that by thinking of stuff that makes me happy.
I think the scowling look is from all the sensory stuff I am taking in and processing.


They said it was more of a "vibe".



Exactly this explains everything. Imagine as a human race the majority of humans have ways of communicating not just through sight, touch, smell, and sound but a whole combination of different factors that we do not share.

They can easily tell your different because things most humans are trained to do since birth whether they know it or not they cannot pick up the similarity with you.

Just like the name of this site it's like your from the wrong planet.

Sadly the vibe most humans or NTs will look for when meeting you will be missing and to be honest it's hard to act like something your not but you can try acting classes to try to fit in with NTs.

Many autistic people pick up being trained in acting well as its something we pick up for the most part as a coping mechanism to try to relate or speak with the NT world