Potential date?!

Post Reply New Topic

+1 to talking to her. At least being a friend wouldn't be bad thing, and it won't hurt you to try. Good idea to be somewhat forward otherwise things could get awkward. Its not like the girl staring at you in orchestra threatened to go to the police for harassing her.

Damn it, I don't feel ready for dating. I'm entering the age where guys 10 years younger than me are better at this.

I might have had this video in mind...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaMDYYydtIM[/youtube]

hahaha My stomach hurts from laughing.

Keep me posted as to how it goes

Oh come on, you're Germans.

Just invite her to a frankfurter resto, she'll get the message.

The cellist in me can't stop thinking about how the actors playing is dubbed over. Of course, if I were playing, I wouldn't need to say anything to seduce anyone. Makes me remember that time at band camp when a girl cellist said she heard me playing Allegro Appassinato during a class and though I played beautifully. I was completely oblivious.

OK, news:

When I arrived at the rehearsal, she was standing outside in a group. I made sure to greet her articulately, but she didn't really seem to notice me (just like... um, everybody else).
During the rehearsal, I stood in front of her during the tuning procedure. I checked if she looked at me, but she didn't, and I didn't dare to look at her more obviously, either (should I have?). She also borderline-flirted with her neighbor (who has a girlfriend but is apparently very attractive – many girls flirt with him).
During the break, she didn't make any effort to get close to me.
After the rehearsal, she left without waiting for me, even without saying bye.

With the words of Big Macintosh, I think the answer is:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uytFMn1UJgc[/youtube]

Any different interpretations?

You might have missed the boat. Maybe she has assumed that you aren't interested because you didn't reciprocate on the day. I'm pretty sure this has happened to me several times.

That's a possible theory, yes. But it doesn't explain why she didn't greet me properly and why she flirted with someone else.

The one thing that sticks out to me more than anything is that you've been playing in the orchestra for 2 years, but you didn't even know her name. I think that you should start making an effort to firstly, introduce yourself to everyone there that you don't know on a first-name basis by now (how to do that I'm not entirely sure since you've been there so long, maybe ask someone you know to help out). I can't even imagine working somewhere for that long and not knowing everyone there...I was at my last internship for 4 months and knew all 100+ employees relatively well. And secondly, try to become friendly with a few of them! Show up early or stay late and chat with them to get to know each other. No romantic connotations of anything, just get to know the people you work with. You seem like a great person, you just have to let them see it!

If you are successful with both of the above, then you can start inviting people to go do some things outside of the orchestra (for either dating or purely friendship purposes). Invite them to go cycling, to have a bbq at the park, etc. No offense intended, but I fear that until you do, you may end up coming across as that weird guy who doesn't really associate with anyone else. I've been in that exact situation in the past unfortunately and it can be a tough one to navigate.

Thanks, I think I agree completely.

I'm fully aware that I am and I've always been the weird guy. And it's really a shame that there are so many members that I don't really know, because some of them seem to be really nice people. But when it comes to socializing, I fail at the utter basics. Most of the time, I do arrive quite early. When there people around, they are usually talking to someone else, or they are "busy" checking Facebook on their phone. In the first case, I notice that I get physically excluded from their conversation circles, and if they let me join, I usually don't have much to contribute, I get interrupted, I'm openly told that I'm boring, people gradually leave the circle, etc.

About one-on-one conversations with people that I don't know well... Um, do you think I should to that? To me, it's really awkward. Let's assume they're not checking Facebook but just standing or sitting around, looking bored. So I walk up to them. And then?! I do get the impression that people avoid me whenever it's not obviously impolite to do so.

From all the failures, I've developed the attitude that with 95% of the people that I encounter, I have just no chance to connect to them. The only people that don't ignore me are those who have similar troubles. And even then, it's not like two socially awkward persons are always perfect at socializing with each other.

I'm trying to accept that when I talk to people, most of the time, I'm just bothering them. So while I appreciate your advice, I'm currently moving back to isolation.

You could walk up to them and make a mini-introduction, something like this: "You know, I realized that we've been playing together here for 2 years, but I've never really talked to you before.", and then proceed from there. Introducing yourself by name or asking for theirs might not be a good idea given that you've been there for 2 years, but if you really don't know their name just introduce yours and hope they follow suit. You can ask them things like how long they've been playing an instrument, what other instruments they play, hobbies, family, any pieces y'all are currently working on, where they grew up, dreams and aspirations, etc. Use those questions as gateways into more in-depth conversation, and as a way to reveal details about yourself. There are some books out there on small talk that may help, but I've found that the best way to get better at it is through extensive practice...I used to be terrible and am still not the best, but I'm getting much much better. It will likely be incredibly awkward for you but that's part of the point...it will always be awkward unless you push through it and get comfortable doing that sort of thing.

I think that the reason people avoid you is less because of you, and more because they don't know you at all. Most of them probably are under the impression that you don't want anything to do with them and want to be left alone, so they respond in kind. If you do start to make an honest effort at socializing with them though, and start to build rapport with some of them, then I can almost guarantee that they will be much more open to interacting with you. People are far more apt to be friendly to those who are first friendly to them.

Still analyzing??

Go talk to her already damn it!

At the risk of sounding miserable: Most people's social life is better without me, and that's not likely to change soon. Talking to them is therefore not an ethical thing to do, because they could enjoy themselves better by talking to someone else.

When I say "most people", there are exceptions. There are people who are my friends or semi-friends or whatever. I'm actually quite good at locating matches, but they are rare (I think the percentage in the orchestra is pretty accurately 4%). Trying to make friends with people that I'm not compatible with equals forcing things.

About the girl I mentioned: I think she simply realized that there was someone in the orchestra whom she didn't know and she wanted to change that. After 10 minutes of talking, she had learned all she wanted to know, so there was no reason for her to go any further.

This coincides with my experience that even people whom I do know still avoid me. So I don't think introducing myself to more people will help.

I think part of the problem is your self image. I know it's hard but the only way to change this is more practice. I know it's cliche, but if you do not think good of yourself, it's unlikely anyone else will either.

Too late now - the window of opportunity has already passed.

I don't think bad of myself. I know that there are a lot of things that I'm good at.

In the past 3 years, I've become a lot better at interpreting social situations. As a result, I now see my failure more clearly than ever. Practice can help me understand other people and avoid faux pas, but it cannot cannot change my fundamental character (and I'm not sure if I'd want that).

I've always wanted to be the best at everything, so I used to lie awake in bed all night wondering why such bad things happened to me. Now I'm beginning to accept that I'm second-rate when it comes to socializing, lowering the expectations on myself, which actually makes me feel better.

This also makes me question if I should, for example, even try to get a date. Wouldn't she leave me for someone first-rate at the next opportunity?