Quick question about first date

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At least you got the person to show up. I can't seem to get that working for me. They all flake on me the day we are suppose to meet.

Cheers Yuzu, I probably suck at first dates too.

Did you like who you saw anyway? If you didn't, no big loss really.

Yes, I liked him. But I think he found me boring. I wasn't very talkative. At the end we were mostly silent.

Sometimes it happens. Everyone has this idea of fireworks and stuff. And people tend to spend too long on their first dates, anyway. Perhaps you just got talked out.

If you like him, text him and say that you felt a bit shy but you'd like to meet up again. Why the hell not? Maybe he'll be relieved. I mean, what have you got to lose? You want something, go for it, that's the way I see it. And if he can't appreciate how great you are - next!

What did you do on the date?

I find dinner or coffee, sitting down at a table, not that great for first date. As you are the only entertainment.

Walk in the park, going to farmer's market, something like this, there is less pressure. Also, it's not such a big time commitment. Dinner, you have quite a bit of time to occupy.

I find asking people questions is good way to get them talking. Concert they may have gone to. Childhood memories.

Positivity helps. Don't talk about what's wrong with the world. Instead about things you are excited about.

OMG you are Christian Anderson, aren't you? Or you have swallowed him whole? web page clicky

??? Nope. Not gonna give you my whole story, but I am 35 years old. under employed CAD monkey. I have always had trouble relating to people, but have been able to figure out some tricks...

My ex, is constantly trying to figure me out. For a long time, she thought I was a sociopath. She is a nurse, and very caring and beautiful. She suggested that I have mild aspergers, which, initially I took as insulting as the sociopath comment.
Anyways, after doing a bit of reading, the symptoms are very similar to my issues. I have a "crazy" aunt, who clearly has AS: atonal, innapproriate comments all the time, fails to listen to people, lectures, poor social skills. I am not nearly this severe.
I took an online AS test, and it rated me 31, with 32 being definite as, 26-31 borderline. 86% chance, whatever that means.

I am here to learn more about it, and in particular techniques to help cope. In particular I am interested in how diet changes affect symptoms.

Anyways, I do have some experiences with successfully wooing partners, and was trying to help. Much of the advice I am reading does not seem grounded in any real world experience.

hey thanks for the intro - hope you find your answers (so far gluten and cassein free seem to be outright favourites for the diet changes)

As for the dating advice - you said elsewhere that you are attractive - that gives you a huge advantage over so many people..so much so that your technique doesn't even have to not suck for you to be reasonably successful. Also, you are advocating relaxed chatting to people who have issues talking even with the people they know well I know you mean well and all that but..idk.. Anyway, don't mean to be a downer or anything, maybe you could ask Halfmadgenius out if nothing else, for practice

We went to an art museum which was kind of good and bad idea at the same time.
He showed off his knowledge about some of the art pieces (he used to work there when he was in grad school), and I enjoyed that very much but I couldn't make any clever comments about them. Made me look really dumb I think.

I've already suggested to go to a gig next week and he said he would text me if he could go. He hasn't so far and I doubt he would.

leafplant is right. Relaxed chatting is not my forte either. Far from it. Can I get better at it with practice?

I might have another date this week. Trying to figure out what I can do to make it better next time...

Yeah, well, I can assure you it has taken effort and practice to learn how to woo women. And that several approaches I have tried have not been effective. for example. never ask "Can I kiss you?" just do it

While I was younger, I was scared to make a move. I thought if I was nice to girls. said intelligent things, they would see how sweet and sensitive I am. WRONG. Girls want assertiveness, even nerdy ones...

Anyways, she said date didn't go well, ended with long periods of silence, and that she thought her protected negativity was to blame. This seems like pretty good analysis to me.

My advice to avoid awkward silence:
-shorter dates, with more outside entertainment/distraction/things to look at
-work on improving conversation. The one thing I have found ALL people like to talk about is themselves. And that everyone likes a good listener. Who clearly pays attention and cares about you. And follows up with other questions. This is the easiest type of conversation to start, and keep going, in my experience. Questions about the other person. Especially the things they are interested in and their childhood.

Lastly, most people respond to physical cues. If you are not giving them off, they will be confused as to whether you like them or not. Practicing these cues, will help you communicate non verbally.

No one likes negativity.

I wasn't particularly negative, I just don't have that bubbly lively girly personality.

I did ask questions about his work, where he grew up, where he has gone for vacation, etc.
I just have to learn how to respond better when I listen.

You're right about assertiveness. Women like that. But what can we do if he is not assertive enough?

I kind of go by the either you hit it off or don't decision making process.

If you have a natural compatibility you will have a good time and get along well without any noticable effort. My first date with my wife wasn't even a official date and was supposed to last a few hours. It went two meals a few activities and 13 hours.

If its a bit awkward, you don't know what to say, etc, I see that as a sign it will probably remain that way and is only good to maintain for casual companionship (and some practice) if both parties are agreeable.

P.S. What the heck is your avatar? It looks like a combo of a Power Ranger and soccer fan.

Wow 13 hours? That's a really extreme case.

I've never met anyone whom I'm comfortable with right off the bat though.
It takes a long time for that to happen and I know I usually give bad first impressions.
But most people would end up liking me later.

But yeah, if we run out of things to talk about in less than two hours we may not be compatible after all.
I wonder how long others' first dates usually last?

I'm not actually feeling down about this guy so much though. Maybe because we had not talked online too long. But the last guy I met last month, I exchanged emails with him for three weeks and after a very awkward first date I did not hear from him again. That hurt a lot.
I may be getting used to rejections.

My avatar is a British actor/comedian/artist Noel Fielding. The photo is from my favorite show Mighty Boosh. The makeup he is wearing is inspired by Adam Ant I think.

OK, Kings of the Wild Frontier.

Yes, probably an unusual case and not the same situation as you are in, as I knew the person a little for about 6 months, and the first time I saw her was one of those 'love at first sight' events.

But when dealing with people you don't know well it is going to be more exploratory. It may help if someone takes on the task of keeping the conversation going, just to keep it going and not awkward. If neither does that naturally, someone or both are going to have to do it. But if one does take on the role of conversation keeper then the other should participate and play along. The few times the task fell to me, I did as you did, ask questions and hope some topic would catch on. In these exchanges you probably won't necessarily hit it off, but hopefully you might see if you are on the same or compatible wavelengths. That is you get one anothers way of thinking and find yourself in agreement on most things.

But one question. In writing you seem comfortatble enough. If that is true, do you feel easier to talk in writing then in person?

Well, I do much better at messaging. That's how these men get the impression that I would be good at conversing in person as well.
But I've put in "Message me if" section that "you like someone really quiet". So they should get the hint really.

Maybe with next person I should warn them that I'll be very shy when we first meet.