Reasons women do not date us!

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To get this back on track I'll say that I met my guy by chance but the odds of that happening were somewhat astronomical, and it's not very common at all. I don't know any other woman who met their person that way. Our "chance" meeting didn't involve him following me around a shopping mall, initiating a random conversation, sniffing my clothes, joking about sex, or being on the lookout for a girlfriend.

If I had sensed any of that I would have called security.

I guess that, based on the experiences of women here, it most often seems to happen through friendships or organically. Part of what makes the cold approach so creepy is that you can always tell it’s calculated - that they just think it’s a numbers game. That doesn’t exactly make a girl feel special. I’ve never formed a relationship with a stranger. It was always with someone I was friends with first - my best friend’s brother, a guy I met through friends at church, and a couple other situations that started out as friends or at least acquaintances first. I’ve never been remotely tempted to say yes to some random person who approached me. If sparks happened to fly and it was an organic thing, that’d be something else, but that’s not something you can necessarily seek out or expect to happen. Well, if you do nothing but stay at home, it certainly won’t happen.

I met my wife through the encouragement of a few mutual friends[1]. We attended the same church[2]. When we did the "prayer circle" I stood opposite her to surreptitiously "check her out"[3]. Apparently, she was doing the same for me.[4]

Our friends[1] invited us both for lunch, and we sat at the same table, making small talk and sharing a few observations[5]. I offered to walk her home[6], she thanked me, and I asked if we could meet again[7].

She agreed[8], and we began to see each other more often after that. Eventually, I proposed and we got married. It has been over 30 years since we first met, and we're still together.

Notes:
[1] It pays to socialize with many people.
[2] It pays to have similar religious beliefs.
[3] It pays to show SOME interest, but not too much.
[4] It pays to be mutually interested in each other.
[5] It pays to be interesting, to speak, and to LISTEN.
[6] It pays to express chivalrous thinking.
[7] It pays to express interest in an ongoing relationship.
[8] See note 4.

Exactly. ^ ^ (TP)

My first bf was someone I met first as a friend. We ended up married and divorced, but whatever. The second one was someone I met through work. Actually the third one was as well, and we were "best friends" for years first.

My daughter had a LTR with a guy for several years but they started as friends. She met her current girlfriend as a friend too, through a mutual interest.

In the very unlikely event that people meet randomly and decide to date, there's almost always a shared interest or a reason they develop an interest in each other. They might be volunteering somewhere together or learning to fly airplanes. They need to have something in common to talk about which explains their being at the same place / same time to begin with. Even then it's quite unlikely to turn into a relationship straight off the bat. Situations like that have a greater likelihood of turning into friendships or even hookups as opposed to lasting love.

That's sweet. It also follows what UCD, TP, Bee and I are saying.

You had something in common being in the same church. I'm sure you didn't join that church with an express interest of scouting women, or her in particular. Your meeting was organic rather than contrived, and you even had friends in common to help you get to know each other, however briefly. That's what UCD was talking about when he said people should get out and do things to meet people in a variety of settings.

Thank you. I only wish my teenaged self had known these things, instead of wasting his time memorizing pick-up lines and cold-calling female classmates.

I can laugh about it now.

^ I wish I would’ve done a lot of things differently when I was a teenager.

Sometimes activities can be a way to grow personally (and in various ways), meet new people, make friendships, find a partner, or make a friend who can introduce you to an eventual partner. Some activities could be:

Book clubs
Cooking classes
Events at the library like board game night
Dancing classes
Music classes
Classes/events at community centers
Autism meetups
Anything else you’re interested in that’s healthy

It’s a much better use of your time than scoping out shopping centers and bars for unattached women. Even if you meet no one, you would’ve, perhaps, grown in some productive way. Meaningful relationships are nice, but there’s a lot more to life than having one even though it can be hard to see it when you’re alone and lonely. I do know something about that.

Hmm...

Good point!

I met my partner in a waiting room. He didn't try to pick me up but rather I heard him talking to the receptionist and their conversation was interesting so I joined in. I just remembered that a different man in a different waiting room gave me his number about a year before that. (Yeah I know, I don't get out much other than appointments ).

That first man was actually really chatty. I can't remember how he started talking to me or why we spoke so candidly, but it was quite random and we discovered he knew a bunch of my family members / family history including my late grandparents. We had a really great conversation and he gave me his number so we could keep talking. I'm pretty sure I posted about it in real time when it was happening. I should look back.

To this day I have no idea if he was trying to pick me up, or if he just enjoyed talking to a former resident of the area who belonged to his peripheral social circle. For all I know he was married. I kept his number for a while with no intention of contacting him, but I really enjoyed the chat. I'm face blind and don't do eye contact so I have no idea what he even looked like. Average I guess, clean, and about 60.

I'm sharing that ^ to show that even when people meet randomly, with lots in common and lots to talk about, it doesn't usually end up with them dating. I wouldn't want the OP or any man here to think it's that easy. The trick like we keep saying is to get out and be active so you can meet a variety of people and have a natural segue for conversation.

[question=rhetorical]

Why does it seem like we keep repeating ourselves to the same people with the same "I-can't-get-a-girlfriend" complaint over and over again?

[/question]

https://youtu.be/_If0fYNjWFI?si=wAJZyzv8VRaoX9JH

https://youtu.be/CzbgMpG17j4?si=405rzNFt4pgUzIjT

Oh for goodness sake, you can do both people, its not rocket science. Yes, you can have friendship groups, church groups, sports clubs, book clubs whatever, but you can also be friendly chirpy and say hello to you fellow human beings in the street or shopping mall.

I mean really, its not that intrusive? imagine being arrested for smiling and saying hello

Rhetorical questionable answer

Who gives a s**t

I give a s**t. I don't like to see my brothers in pain and confused and lonely. I've been there. It sucks.

But I haven't contributed to this thread and there's a reason for that I think fnord is allluding to.

There's good advice and bad advice in this thread. It's all well-meaning but some of it is wrong-headed and counterproductive. It's all advice that's been given in previous threads.

The trouble is that the good advice is hard to hear because it involves the men changing the way they've learned to think about women. It gets ignored or dismissed because its hard to hear.

The bad advice is easier so it tends to get the attention. And when people point out that the bad advice is bad, some people cling to it like a comfort blanket and the whole thing devolves into name calling and recriminations and no one learns anything.

Which is why there will be another thread exactly the same in a few weeks time. Probably started by someone who has started a similar thread before.

I meant who gives a s**t if it's the same questions being asked.

Of course I give a s**t if people are struggling