video store experience (long)

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Not sure if this should be in love and dating or social

anyways, i rented a movie a few weeks ago and there was a very cute girl working the cash, we got to talking and the conversation was flowing very well. They were busy that night so i couldn't talk long but it was good while it lasted.

about a week later (maybe exactly a week later) i saw her again, decided to strike up a conversation, talked about movies, then school, then friends, lots of stuff. Again, the conversation was flowing really well and for the first time i felt like i was just conversing with a girl, i wasn't trying to think of what to say next, i wasn't worried about saying something wrong, it was just happening. The conversation went on for probably 10-15 minutes before i said i had to go, but i asked for her number/email, she said she's never online so told me to add her to facebook and get in touch with her through that.

I saw that she had a boyfriend (facebook has its uses i guess) which was a bit disappointing but i really wanted to get to know this girl because she seemed really cool and we had a bunch of the same interests (like the same movies, both like video games, etc) and she was really easy to talk to. I sent her a message asking if she wanted to hang out (we agreed we should play halo sometime when we talked) and she told me she's got exams, then she's got her preceptorship (she's in nursing and they've got to follow around a nurse for a while after graduation before they can get certified) so she'd be really busy.

I started worrying that i came off as creepy. I tried analyzing the situation to see if i came off as creepy but i can't see anything. she really seemed friendly and seemed to like talking to me but doesn't seem to want to hang out or get to know me, which seems strange to me.

anyways since then we've said a few things through facebook and chatted a bit the last time i rented a movie (again, good conversation) which makes me all the more confused about why she'd say she wants to hang out sometime but then tells me she can't. She could be genuinely busy (working at the store and doing her preceptorship) but i'm just suspicious that i came off as weird or creepy and don't want to keep making the same mistakes.

any suggestions? i don't message much, i only reply to her messages, so i don't think i'm coming off as desperate.

There are a dozen reasons why she might say this. You don't sound like you're coming off as creepy, with the restraint you've shown in only contacting her when she contacts you. Maybe she's just not that attracted or has a reason that has nothing to do with you. Don't worry and dont hang on to any possibilities here. Keep looking.

Well if she has a boyfriend then I think the problem is that the idea of hanging out with just you could be interpreted the wrong way. Maybe if you invited her to hang out with some friends it might not be the same situation.

First off, just because someone says they have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't necessarily mean it's a heavy, intimate relationship.
I have seen those terms used for pretty loose relationships before.
So if you're wondering about the boyfriend issue, it may be a factor or not.

I also do not see anything creepy about your behaviour as described in this thread.

My personal experience is that if she were to find you 'creepy', she would not be so conversant with you!

Sounds like it's just moving along at it's natural pace for the two of you.

You say you reply to her messages, meaning she contacts you?

I had a woman who would ask me out for a bit to eat, drink a beer, or she would show up at my house late at night to see if I wanted to go out.

I learned that she was not looking to me for a real relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend, but she was lonely and desired the company of men. We worked together.. she was my supervisor... and I started noticing that she kept company with several men around the hospital.
That was her thing... find guys to spend time with on dates and whatnot, but do not get too involved with them.
I had to laugh when I caught one of the other guys at the lab sneaking in with flowers for her one time... I just thought, "There goes another sap!".

I'm not saying this is what I think is happening... just want you to know that without being straight up and open with each other, you will never know what this relationship means to her and where it can go.

I think you should figure out what you want with her and then find a way to mention it to her.
If you want to date her, mention that you saw on facebook that she has a boyfriend but was wondering if she still does and if not, how about going out sometime on a date?

If you just want to get together to play that game, mention to her that you're finding it difficult to figure out when she might be available and suggest she give you an idea when you two could get together.

Heck... if you find something happening about town like a concert, or art show, or festival, etc., you might suggest going to it together as way to take her mind off all the hard work she's been doing with her schooling.


Basically, at some point you're going to have to stop guessing and either drop her all together, continue the relationship as it is, or come right out and talk to her about getting together.

I guess that's a pretty good point haha


sort of, i initiated contact via facebook and she replied. every few days one of us will reply to the last message (so if she messaged last, i reply), she doesn't seem to be online much, which leads me to believe that she actually is really busy.

thanks for the advice, i'm just going to hang back and not think too much about it and see where it goes. if something comes of it (either friendship or more) then great, if not then i'll be a bit disappointed but i'm somewhat used to rejection, or at least the few times i've been rejected have taught me not to be so hopeful and not get to hard on myself. i still over think social situations constantly, which is an issue, but i deal with rejection and awkward situations much better now.

I'm curious if this is representative of your other relationships with people in general?

This sounds to me like you have had a really good contact for the time you two have been talking.
I'd say this is a pretty successful relationship when you consider what's transpired so far.

I do hope you get this all figured out and maybe capitalize on the positive things you've been doing so far... either in this relationship or some future relationship.

You did good! In my book, anyway!

what do you mean by this? the constant questioning, the social interaction, etc?

and thanks for the vote of confidence. unless what i expect to happen, based on either past experiences/observations (either of myself or others), actually happens i get nervous about it and start to wonder what i did wrong, so some reassurance that i probably didn't do anything weird is definitely welcome.

I meant your original post.
You made it sound like things went really smoothly when you were hanging around talking with her, despite it being busy in the store.

I was just wondering if you usually have experiences like that happen to you?
I see it often mentioned around WP where guys have a really hard time approaching women and even re-connecting if the first contact went well.

The constant questioning you mentioned above... did you mean how you are questioning what's happening now with her?
I sort of figure most everyone does that sort of thing when they find they are interested in someone.
Doesn't necessarily have to be an AS thing...

things did go very smoothly during initial contact, more smoothly than they normally do in social situations, as well as the second contact.

I find that initiating conversation in certain settings easy, while in others it's quite difficult. If i'm in a situation where i can either ask about something and continue from there (asking for advice on choosing a movie, asking for info about the restaurant/bar i'm in, etc), or if i can make a comment/joke about something that just happened or the surroundings (someone runs through wherever i am, screaming, i might say "well that was unexpected" or something of the sort) then i might be able to continue the conversation. the problem arises when i'm trying to start a conversation for the sake of conversing (at a party, bar, etc.). if i'm just approaching someone to talk to them with no other intent, i find it difficult to think of what to say. the same thing happens with phone calls, even emails and other online messages, if i don't have a reason to talk to someone other than to talk to them it's much harder to initiate. first dates also used to scare the crap out of me, i never knew what people did on a first date. you always see people going out to dinner for dates and stuff, but really all you need for a first date is a coffee and conversation (the hard part).

when i say constant questioning, i mean i just keep going through what happened and trying to figure out why the outcome wasn't what i expected. in this case it would be the refusal to hang out (for whatever reason, be it busy schedule, boyfriend, etc). I was expecting a positive answer because of how smoothly the previous encounters went but i didn't get it so i spend the next few days running everything that happened through my mind trying to find a flaw. it really only happens when there's an unexpected outcome in a social situation, regardless of my interest level.

I don't think you need to assume you're creepy, your interaction sounded totally fine. The thing is, if I have a boyfriend, and I meet another guy I get along with, it's not really possible for me to just tell my bf, "Hey, I met some guy at work, he's really cool and I'm gonna go hang out with him now, 'kay?" That doesn't really fly. Sometimes when people say "We should hang out sometime", it's just a pleasantry. Not giving you her email or number, not wanting to get specific about a time to hang out, usually signs a girl is trying to say no without being a jerk. But it does sound like she likes you if she spent that much time talking to you, I certainly wouldn't count this as a rejection just because she's already involved.

My advice to you is to not shy away, to continue chatting with her as you always have, but to not bring up hanging out again. The guys who I usually find "creepy" are the ones who get angry, hurt, etc, if I don't want to go out with them. Because from my perspective, we don't even know each other, so why would you have such an emotional reaction just because I don't want to go on a date with you? Those are the men that seem a little scary. But when I say no to a guy, and he seems totally fine with it, I usually think he's pretty cool. It shows that he has confidence and self-esteem, and his world doesn't revolve around what some random girl thinks of him. I think if you show her that her possible lack of interest is not a big deal to you, and continue treating her the same way, it will make you more attractive to her, and it's quite possible her attitude toward you may become friendlier...

I hope this didn't come off harsh or anything, just trying to give you a woman's perspective... I know it's a lot of bs head games but hey, that's dating.

not at all, it was very helpful

i hadn't really put much thought into the boyfriend thing, when you put it like that it makes it really understandable that she wouldn't want to hang out and risk the boyfriend getting jealous or suspicious.