Dealing with girlfriend's parents

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Northeastern292
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01 Jan 2019, 11:23 pm

I don't post on here too often, because I tend to lead what I jokingly consider a "neurotypical lifestyle" (which when you think about it sounds really ableist!).

For the last almost three months I have been in a relationship with an Aspie from Upstate NY who is seven years my junior, a recent college grad who has a great job that entails a lot of responsibility and has a bubbly personality. We met on a dating site and things moved really fast (we started talking at the end of September and became an item two weeks later). Both her friends and mine overwhelmingly approve of the relationship, my mom and stepdad have met her and have given their blessings and it's been really wonderful.

However, her mother has had her concerns with the relationship (thinking I'm taking advantage of her) and at times it's gotten bizarre, including her car keys being taken away. As a result, she can't spend overnights with me. I want her to come and visit me where I live but her mom won't let her make the trip. I will admit that I did make a faux pais (spent a weekend with her when her parents were away) but I'm not sure how to a) kiss and make up and b) put her mom's mind at ease. I haven't met her dad, but from what I can tell he seems cool about the relationship.

Any words of advice? I'm probably playing with fire by posting this, but I want to know if my plan to just wait it out and deal with not being able to spend more than day trips to visit her at this point is my only option, and the best one. This girl is my soulmate, and I don't want to lose her.



Benjamin the Donkey
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02 Jan 2019, 4:20 am

Doing the math, it seems she's 21--an adult. Her mom is out of line. But she lives with the parents, which gives them power. Is the car hers? or her parents? If it's hers, then her mom can't legally take the keys away--that's called theft.

It may ultimately come down to her having to move out. That was my case at her age. My family thought I was incapable of independent living (well, partially true) or decision-making (not true), so I took off.


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hurtloam
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02 Jan 2019, 4:26 am

Her a mum is really controlling taking her car keys away! Poor lass

Seems the best you can do is day trips. Build up trust. I guess the paranoid parents think you're only after sex and will get bored and go away. Probably scared of her getting pregnant and the father of the child disappearing. They seem extreme, but if you really like her you'll have to deal with them.

If you show that you really genuinely like her and want to spend time with her they might realise in time that you really do care about her as a person and warm to you.



The_Face_of_Boo
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02 Jan 2019, 6:27 am

You will need to frequently visit her parents , like a pre son-in-law; till they view you as a member of their family. Bring some nice things with you, a cake, a pie or something - be the gentleman, invite them to a lunch in some good nearby resto once in a while.

Try to befriend the dad as well; invite him to things he loves.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 02 Jan 2019, 6:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Prometheus18
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02 Jan 2019, 6:50 am

Why can't she just move in with you? Why would she want to carry on living with parents who treat her so badly?



hurtloam
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02 Jan 2019, 9:13 am

Prometheus18 wrote:
Why can't she just move in with you? Why would she want to carry on living with parents who treat her so badly?



They've only been going out for 3 months. Bit hasty!

No way I'm moving in with someone I hardly know. Did that with a flatmate once after 2 meetings. She had a narcissistic mother. That kind of Mom will not let go so easily. She meddled in so much! She hated me because I'm very strong willed and kept telling her no.

This will also impact the OPs life. Baby steps are needed.



Prometheus18
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02 Jan 2019, 3:47 pm

I'd rather live on the streets than with domineering parents (or anybody else domineering). Luckily, I was blessed with fairly liberal parents when I used to live at home.



AnneOleson
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02 Jan 2019, 8:51 pm

Do you live with your parents? Would it help if her parents met yours? They might be more comfortable with over night visits then.



Northeastern292
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02 Jan 2019, 11:02 pm

AnneOleson wrote:
Do you live with your parents? Would it help if her parents met yours? They might be more comfortable with over night visits then.


I think it would. However, her dad works abroad, so...

Prometheus18 wrote:
I'd rather live on the streets than with domineering parents (or anybody else domineering). Luckily, I was blessed with fairly liberal parents when I used to live at home.


My mom's pretty liberal and even my conservative stepdad is liberal when it comes to sex. But when you and your sibling are on the spectrum (her brother is, and severely no less) helicopter parenting is the rule, not the exception.

hurtloam wrote:
Prometheus18 wrote:
Why can't she just move in with you? Why would she want to carry on living with parents who treat her so badly?



They've only been going out for 3 months. Bit hasty!

No way I'm moving in with someone I hardly know. Did that with a flatmate once after 2 meetings. She had a narcissistic mother. That kind of Mom will not let go so easily. She meddled in so much! She hated me because I'm very strong willed and kept telling her no.

This will also impact the OPs life. Baby steps are needed.


I'm not in a rush to move in with her. I want to have a rock-solid relationship before that. This is someone who I see building a life with.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You will need to frequently visit her parents , like a pre son-in-law; till they view you as a member of their family. Bring some nice things with you, a cake, a pie or something - be the gentleman, invite them to a lunch in some good nearby resto once in a while.

Try to befriend the dad as well; invite him to things he loves.


I want to, but that's not happening at this point, until her mom is more comfortable with the idea of me and her being together.

hurtloam wrote:
Her a mum is really controlling taking her car keys away! Poor lass

Seems the best you can do is day trips. Build up trust. I guess the paranoid parents think you're only after sex and will get bored and go away. Probably scared of her getting pregnant and the father of the child disappearing. They seem extreme, but if you really like her you'll have to deal with them.

If you show that you really genuinely like her and want to spend time with her they might realise in time that you really do care about her as a person and warm to you.


My girlfriend feels that the paranoia related to me just wanting her for sex is exactly what her parents fear. But I don't want her for simply sex. I want to build a life with her, a future that hopefully includes marriage, homeownership and children, no matter how weird they may turn out.

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Doing the math, it seems she's 21--an adult. Her mom is out of line. But she lives with the parents, which gives them power. Is the car hers? or her parents? If it's hers, then her mom can't legally take the keys away--that's called theft.

It may ultimately come down to her having to move out. That was my case at her age. My family thought I was incapable of independent living (well, partially true) or decision-making (not true), so I took off.


The car is her parents, as is the insurance. When you live at home, you play by parental rules.