ToughDiamond wrote:
I think Aspies often find they prefer one-on-one to groups. I certainly do. The social challenges are simpler.
Yep. Agreed. One-on-one is MUCH easier, especially for people (like myself) who have difficulty multi-tasking.
But there are some problems with limiting one's social life to nothing but one-on-one interaction:
1) How do you find people with whom you have enough in common to have a good basis for a one-on-one friendship in the first place? The only logical place to find them is in groups (in-person or online) devoted to some common interest or concern.
2) If you manage to find more than one friend, most of us don't have enough time or spoons to have enough interaction with them to keep the friendship alive, much less deepen it, if
all of our interaction with them is one-on-one. But there are many ways in which having a friend
group can be more valuable than having just a single individual friend.
3) If you are looking for potential romantic partners as well as friends, a group setting can provide a safe place to observe a potential romantic partner's behavior without the pressures of a one-on-one date.
ToughDiamond wrote:
I agree that if the only thing people have got in common is ASD, that's not a great start for cohesion.
That's why the autistic community needs more than just support groups and generic social groups. We also need hobby-oriented social groups for autistic people (or perhaps neurodivegent people, more generally) with specific hobbies. And we also need career-oriented groups for autistic people who work or aspire to work in specific professions/occupations/jobs.
But a support group does provide one thing that the other kinds of groups can't: a head start on emotional intimacy, which is one of the foundations (though not the
only foundation) of friendship.
ToughDiamond wrote:
I've never been in an ASD group apart from WP, which is rather different to real life in real time. I was only offered one real life group, and I think I just sensed it wouldn't work for me.
I do fit in with music groups, because there's a common interest and music really lends itself to mutual co-operation and connection in a way that's hard to get from anything else. There's been some extra-musical stuff going on in the groups I've been in, but only a fraction of it has worked for me. Take the music away and there hasn't been much left with me, apart from one or two bands I happened to have a lot in common with and one or two I was in duets with which were one-on-one of course.
Any other common purpose can work like music does, but music works best for me. I've occasionally been involved in groups that have had clearly-defined practical purposes, with some success, but it's limited and I haven't done much of it.
Different shared activities or goals will work for different people, of course.
ToughDiamond wrote:
I had to smile when I saw the talk here about eating out as a way to improve the bonding.
Generally when people eat out, they talk about other things besides just the food. So a lot depends on what kinds of things you expect the people you're eating with to talk about.
Of course, if you have sensory issues that make it hard even to hear what other people are saying, or if the restaurant happens not to serve any kinds of food that you like, at a price you can afford, then there's no point in going.
ToughDiamond wrote:
If it floats your boat, good for you, but in my case when a group I'm in starts talking about eating out, I expect to have to choose between opting out and risking an uncomfortable time, with my only consolation being that I'd earn a few brownie points with them by going along and keeping quiet about my complaints, which isn't what I'd call bonding.
Indeed it's not bonding. Therefore, in my opinion, there's no point.
ToughDiamond wrote:
I'm just not the type for group conversations unless they're well structured so that everybody gets a chance to talk,
I agree. That's very important, especially for a group that wants to grow.
ToughDiamond wrote:
and even then it's not likely to interest me much.
So I guess I don't fit in with social groups whether we've all got ASD or not. To avoid being a hermit and being stuck with intense loneliness I've mitigated the situation by using music as a social glue, and by only involving myself with the smallest number of members possible, especially if it's not a music group. I also prefer to stick to people I know and like fairly well, though obviously every person I know and like was once new to me.
A lot of people prefer to stick with people they already know and like fairly well -- it is much easier to interact with people if you already know what to expect from them.
And this is why most groups tend to be cliquish,
unless they make a specific effort to welcome newcomers and integrate them into the group. Alas, too many would-be group leaders don't even think about this as an issue. They just think it's up to the newcomers to keep attending meetings and keep waiting patiently until someone deigns to notice them.
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- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
25 Jun 2025, 9:55 am
