Social expectations that make no sense to you

Post Reply New Topic

I don´t have T.V. either.

A social expectation that makes no sense to me that if you're 16 you're suppose to lose your virginity. If you don't they assume you're a gay male. What if I get pregnant? Or have a STD?

Another social expectation is for me to socialize with people. Especially in college, you have to socialize over alcohol by going to a bar or club. If that is the only acceptable way socializing instead of going to a university event, then I rather be anti-social and strive to become a No Social Life King.

I didn't know it was possible for a man to get pregnant

Disregard that question.

I'd handle those questions with "Are you offering?" or "When are you going to ask me out?"



It's a strange thing but I guess they're wondering if the baby is healthy. Some people seem to be curious about weight because they think the heavier the baby, the more healthy it is.



They use that as a feeler. Your reaction determines how they'll approach the call. Plus people have had it drummed into them that it's 'polite' to do so.

Someone mentioned virginity. I think there are two ways of looking at it. First of all, I admire anyone who CAN hang on to their virginity until they are married and choose to reproduce, if they decide to do either of those at all.

I've always felt that way, and I think maintaining virginity for most people reflects a high degree of self-control. What's silly, and here's the other side of it, is that our society at large doesn't place much of a value on it. So saying you're a virgin has been perverted to mean that you are inadequate in some way, like there's something wrong with you or you're unattractive. Or you might get that "aw, that's so sweet!" reaction.

I'm not sure I can explain why, but it seems that sex is one of those things that you just get used to after a while, then it becomes easy until it finally becomes expected. At one point in college I dated a wonderful young lady who was a virgin, and I let her know from the start that if she stayed with me any great length of time, sex would become an issue. It really came down to the fact I was a few years older, more experienced, and had come to expect certain things from a mate, while she'd only just started college and hadn't previously been a very social person. I wanted her to know I was just being honest and not trying to manipulate her into something she didn't want. She knew that staying with me posed a certain risk, so the inevitable happened.

What I'm not sure about, though, is why is sex such a public, "social" expectation? What business is it of anyone else whether you're having sex or not? It doesn't really matter. That's just something between you and your gf/bf, assuming you even feel the need to be with someone in any kind of close, intimate relationship.

The first two are just expectations people have. It's because most people get married and have kids.
That doesn't happen that much anymore by the way, or well, not in the Netherlands I don't think.

And people talk about the weather because it's something EVERYONE shares, making it an easy subject of conversation (at least for a little while).

- i don't get weather talks either. Pretty pointless if you ask me. At work i get weather talks every freaking day! it's starting to really irritate me.
- i don't understand why neurotypicals ask something and don't like your answer. they expect something from you that's not your actual opinion, so why do they even ask? can't they at least tell you what they want to hear? i don't read minds!
- another thing i don't get is why people feel like they HAVE to talk. if there's nothing to say, shouldn't they just keep quiet and save their time and breath?

The way I see it is, the weather thing is just a universal topic that can be used to strike up a conversation (especially if you live in the UK ), and I have used it on numerous occasions when I couldn't think of anything else to talk about. Until now, to be honist, I've never really given it much thought.

The thing that really winds me up is when people just expect you to know exactly what they want or what's wrong, and if you ask, they often tell you the total oppisite. I've found the best way is to simply say nothing to anyone unless they approach you - doesn't help making friends though.

These are the ones I feel most uncomfortable disclosing and yet I'm asked frequently.

- You know what I'm talking about right? (have no clue since it usually involves relationships and experiences)

- Where do you work? (as if I had a job or a job I could hold down long enough to consider it a job)

- How are you? (I'm confused, do they want an honest answer or just the typical "I'm doing great how bout you?"

- You wanna hangout? (my honest answer would be no since I'd be standing there by myself while everyone else is chatting away, but if I say no wouldn't that be considered rude?)

- What do you like to do for fun? (I honestly don't know how to respond to this since my idea of fun isn't exactly outgoing or exciting)

- How come you're single? (another question I don't know how to answer. Am I suppose to already be in a relationship?)

- How do I look? (do they want a real honest answere or a white lie?)

The trick is to learn assessing their body language. Neurotypical people instinctively know how to read body language and thus know what is meant regardless of what is actually said. People with AS must learn to emulate that behavior if they want to succeed in this sort of communication.



I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you don't have a clue due to lack of experience and let them explain what they mean. You can learn from it.



Just say you're between jobs at the moment but doing some self study or whatever to prepare yourself for this or that job. Basically, just say anything that won't make you look like a pathetic loser without having to lie about having a job.



If it's a stranger, it's best to say "I'm fine" or "I'm OK". If it's someone fairly close to you, just be honest. There's nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with a person you trust. Just don't hand them out to every person you encounter and who just wants some casual conservation as that's likely to scare them off.



The best thing would be to force yourself to hang out with other people, to join in on conversations and learn to enjoy their company. In the beginning it may feel like hell on earth, but in time it'll grow on you and you'll learn a whole bunch of useful social skills that help you on both a personal and professional level. Don't see hanging out as a way to have fun but as a way towards selfimprovement. Maybe that will help motivating you.



Just say what you like to do for fun and - when possible - try to make it sound more exciting. If you like history, you could tell some war stories or political intrigues that fascinates you. If you like nature, you could tell some annecdotes on the most intense experiences you had when walking through a forest or spending time with animals. etc. Basically, anything that can generate emotions among Neurotypicals might lighten up your story.

Don't make your stories too long, though. Neurotypicals don't like it when you talk about yourself too much.



Just say you feel fine by yourself and at this moment you feel no need to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that and many Neurotypicals feel like that as well.



If it's a woman, she probably wants confirmation and thus you should tell her she looks fine regardless. If it's a man, he probably wants your advice and thus you should tell him how he actually looks. There are exceptions, of course, but in my experience this is the general rule.

Except when you ask for an explanation, you rarely get it. They much prefer making fun of you "how can you not know that?", or "you never understand anything", etc. Now i say i understand what they're saying and they leave me alone.


i totally agree they ask if you're all right because it's the rule to do so, they don't necessarily care. In all situations I say I am fine, whether it's true or far from it.



This sounds ideal but I've tried hanging out for years and yet I haven't changed one bit. Instead I've been called 'sticky', weird, quiet, mute, etc. I just look like a pathetic loser who sticks around but says nothing. Yet anything i could say would bore them to death.



War stories? I would avoid that, the only outcome would be being called a history nerd or something.




i totally agree. for some reason when a woman wants my opinion, i learned from experience that she does NOT want my actual opinion. she wants me to pretend I have the very same tastes as her. like asking what i think of ugly shoes... why does it matter that i don't like her shoes? the important thing is that she likes her shoes. why must i have the same tastes? Aren't i entitled to my own?

I guess it depends on how well you know a person. It's true that strangers may react like that but a friend should be helpful and make you understand.



Practice, practice, practice. Meeting lots of people and practicing your social skills with each and every one of them can help you a lot, but it will take many years before you become even remotely socially adequate. Don't expect to change in just a few months.

I have a very extraverted personallity which made it a bit easier for me not to give up, though. Still, giving up should not be an option.



The friends I got over the years were people who liked me mostly for my intellectual side. Had I not elaborated on my intellectual interests the way I did, I may not have had any friends at all.

Sure you'll chase away many people by talking about your interests, but a small yet valuable minority will stay and genuinely appreciate your input. Those are the people you want as friends.

In a professional environment, things are a bit more complicated, though. I'm still learning professional social skills as they differ from personal social skills.



Men seem to connect with other people mostly at an intellectual/rational level, whereas women seem to connect with other people mostly at an emotional level. Women tend to care less about what you say and more about how you say it, whereas men tend to care more about what you say than how you say it. That's why for people with AS it tends to be more difficult to get along with women than with men. Men make sense to people with AS, whereas women most often don't.