How do some people make friends without being....

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....accused of ''following'' or ''being creepy''? (Sorry for the broken up title).

An aunt of mine was saying about how she was taking her dog for a walk across the field the evening before, and she said another woman whom she had never seen before was also walking her dog, and they ended up walking together around the field, engaging in conversation.

How do some NTs manage to acquaint a stranger in that short amount of time? Is it due to self-confidence?

I've been in situations similar to that before, where I'm in the same vicinity as a stranger, and I tried to be friendly; making eye contact, smiling, saying ''evening'' or ''morning'' (whatever the time of day was), or maybe if we were somewhere open with the sun shining warmly I would say, ''lovely day today, isn't it?'', anything friendly that makes a good start to socially attracting somebody. But it never worked for me. The other person always hesitantly spoke back, or on some occasions, not at all, just gave me a glare like I was behaving like a crazy person. I just don't understand how some people can acquaint another person that quick, while for me it's nearly impossible, and if I do make a little effort I just get looked upon as following them or something.

How do acquaintanceships and/or friendships actually start? It's so simple for some people, yet not so for others. It's totally unfair. Does anyone else experience this? Seems like there's like 1001 rules for everything you do to get on in this life.

I am no expert, but generally an anodyne remark is made about the weather or something about the other person's pet they are walking with, and if there is any compatibility at all it segues from there to other things. the only friends I ever made were in exceptional circumstances [I was the only white person that was nice to them, or I met them at a "square pegs aspie meetup" or such].

Yep. That's the problem. I've often pondered over why getting acquainted with others is often easier for NTs than it is for us, and I think that it may be related to body language. You can try smiling, giving eye contact, and using vocal expression, but unfortunately, in this society, trying just doesn't cut it. The only thing that does is complete and utter flawlessness. Regardless of any effort you put in to appear more approachable, little things such as your posture or neutral facial expression, will effect people's perception of you.

Yep. I keep thinking, that's not fair! It's not fair that they get to impose labels like unstable and creep on me and others, without even trying to understand. That 'some' people want me to bend around them 100%. To understand them 100% but never took the time to understand me and my own motives.

Especially when that person you 'thought' was a friend turns out to have been a scorpion in disguise. As it turns out those type of people usually aren't the friends we need to be associating with anyway, and what needs to happen is we need to specifically look for people with compassionate, understanding and forgivable traits, and educate them from the very beginning of a friendship about how to be a friend with someone with autism. I choose not to associate with people anymore who can't work with me in this way anymore.

Sometimes you might meet someone who is so compassionate, flexible, and understanding and maybe even awkward enough themselves that they won't believe you have any thing wrong with you...that's a good thing if it means you can maintain a normal friendship with them. It means they like you as you are.

Other times you'll meet people who need to be explained to. And other times you'll meet people who don't give a damn and only care about their own self interests. I call these people: Scorpions, Narcissists and other labels that are probably not appropriate or accurate but helps me feel better both about them and myself!! !



YES there are 1001 rules for everything you do and it is different for EACH person. On occasion you might even meet someone who is unstable and needs psychiatric help themselves, but project that on you and try to make YOU feel like you are crazy. You may not even realize they are doing these things. As it turns out this happens to NT's too.

I know in my case I was stupid enough to believe the rules of one 'scorpion' who imposed judgments on me and tried to make me their pet project, and repeatedly made me seem like I was crazy for resisting her unsolicited offers, but accepting them on terms I felt were healthier for me (i.e. she demanded that I get psychiatric help and take medication for my anxiety, and refused to live up to her promises, like just coming out from time to time and working with me in a non-enabling healthy way, then put me down and imposed her own labels on me, like I wasn't helping myself and was 'unstable'). Not only did they change the rules, they tried to make me think their 'sudden' rules, that they were telling me months later were actually alright...until every NT I talked to about it even my psychiatrist said...that's not right. No friendship should have those types of rules and why was she asking you those things you know...

So to add to all the 'normal' 1001 rules we have to be also prepared for people who give you 1001 rules that turn out not to be appropriate rules for you to be following to begin with. These are rules that baiters and predators will give you. Like I was given a list of rules to hang out...if you need a friend right now and ask me, then you need to take me out to eat and you pay for everything rule... *blink*, my grandfather is dying and I'm asking you just to come over and sit with me and you're throwing this s**t at me... She twisted everything around on me, and if I got upset at the sudden changes, and had a meltdown, it only confirmed her beliefs that I was crazy and 'needy'. I was such a sucker. When people told me that was a BAD rule and there was something not right about it, I was like well each person has their own rules and boundaries---even my psychiatrist was shaking her head and telling me no, that's not a friend. There are no strings attached to friendship like that.

Thinking back this woman displayed a lot of red flags, and I think just as much as a person should be trying to figure out how to make people feel comfortable we've gotta know how to figure out people who have our best interest at heart, or who are actually scorpions/baiters/predators/incompatible from the start.



They start gradually, slowly, and after that, that's all I know. And they don't like info-dumping. Info dumping (or monologues) this can be translated as 'needy', or as if you're treating them like a 'therapist' even if your motives are nothing of the sort, Like you simply might want them to know about an interest you have or who you are, or are whatever. Some people find that creepy...figuring out when a person is bored and trying hard to read their facial expressions can steer you. Get a good book on the human body language and facial expressions. I've got several.

People that get involved in sensitive areas too quickly (well Dr. Phil's book Lifecode explains it, both what people see if you express extreme interest in them, and if they do that to you)

What I have started doing is creating a list of rules and things to watch out for both in others and myself, things to do, and so forth. Things you can do for all people to ensure that they will be good friends and so on and so on and so on. I'm still working on it but so far it's going really good. I plan to keep my list with me and do a checklist (not publicly) to determine who is a friend and who is not, who is a potential friend. ALSO a book you might like (that I didn't like but had some gems in it) is Lifecode by Dr. Phil. I find that Paul Mckenna helps more with the nurturing confidence than Dr. Phil's negative point of view on life, but he has a lot of good tidbits in there but unfortunately Dr. Phil is extremely black and white so required some filtering for me, had to consistently remind myself of this when he was talking about people out to get us. It explained some things about human behaviour though and things I was doing that attracted these type of people in my lives.

I also created a list of people I am specifically looking for and a list of warning behaviours people display. I ALSO am fine keeping to myself. When I volunteer I walk from point A to point B, I don't talk too much, I smile and laugh and am not too personal with people. I'm the person people don't really talk to anyway because I'm so quiet and have nothing productive to add verbally to their conversations. :/

Oh oh...p.s. and people don't like looongg walls of texts like this....actually most people are intimidated about that, I think I'm the only one who enjoys seeing them :S....but yeah....lol

I'm a semi-social Aspie, I work in engineering, and socialise to some extent of a weekend.

Much of it is self confidence.
A dash of it is practice.
And throw in a large helping of non-commital casualness.

Oh, and be sure to smile, and listen to what they say and respond in like, on the same subject matter.

You can safely small-talk about any of the following; the breed of dog, the wet/dry weather, the park, the clouds, the wind, the walk to the park, the colour of the leaves/flowers in the park. ect...

Yep, that's a big part of it. Confidence, body language, and tone of voice are big ones. I have been getting a bit better with those over the past year or so and I have noticed a huge difference in how people react towards me, like night and day. The funny thing is my personality hasn't changed in the slightest, I have just been working on slight modifications in my body language and speaking style, but people treat me like an entirely different person.

It's probably a mix of social skills and common ground.

If your aunt's friend had walked the same route as her the whole time if they weren't talking, then your aunt might have been concerned about being "followed". I think it's one of those unspoken rules that you try not to go the same route as someone for too long if possible just because of what it may look like to them. Have you ever been walking somewhere, say to a class or the park, and noticed one person who had been behind you longer than anyone else? Did it seem a little strange to you?

Talking to someone new who seems "like you" is generally more comfortable than talking to someone new who seems "unlike you". Once your aunt and her friend noticed they were both dog owners, there was something to build off of and they probably wound up bonding over that and other similarities they discovered on their walk. The weather isn't the best subject for that, though some people just like to talk to others and may enjoy it anyway.

Um, sad but true... Some people either consciously or subconsciously view their friends as accessories. They assume that if their befriend people whose social status is higher than theirs or at least same as theirs, such friends will improve their own reputation. On the contrary, if they befriend people whose social status is lower than theirs, such friends might "damage" their reputation. In other words, such people won't befriend you unless your social status is higher than theirs or at least same as theirs.

that is cold-blooded and reminiscent of the jockeying for social position which occurs in primate cultures. why can't more people transcend this ugliness?

This is interesting stuff to me, as someone who has only just discovered that he has AS, at the age of 53.

I had blamed my difficulty in carrying out exactly the sort of simple social interaction Joe90 (the first poster) describes on basically just being crap as a person. I blamed myself for all my difficulties, really. I do actually like people (well, some) and I've been through times when I'd have loved to make some new friends but felt only that any overture I might dare to make was viewed as some sort of weirdness. It can be very disheartening. I suppose I've coped to the extent that I have by learning to act, learning to imitate the behaviour in others that seems acceptable. I've become quite good at it in many situations, but I do find it wearing. And there are still situations I'll go to great lengths to avoid because I know how hugely uncomfortable I'll feel (eg: parties, dining unless with very close friends, being introduced to friends of friends etc).

I used to think it would get easier as life went on. I suppose it does, but it seems to take forever. I've often thought that if I live to be about 250 I should be reasonably sorted socially! It's encouraging, and relieving, to learn that I am not alone and there is nothing 'wrong' with me.

I suspect that if I myself lived to 250 years of age, rather than getting socially smarter I would instead have to have just gotten a lot more taciturn so as to avoid pissing people off inadvertently. it is better to keep silent and as a fool be thought, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

It's actually easy to talk to people if you have something in common with them. Eventually they either turn out to be your friend or turn out to be someone you (or at least I) don't like. If you have an interest in common then they will probably be happy to hear what you have to say about it or maybe do it together. If you like fly fishing then go to a fly fishing shop. Talk to the people there about the fish you have caught and the flies you have tied. If they get sick of your stories they'll make up and excuse to leave. That's how relationships work...I think. It's been working out for me . I don't talk to the people in my apartment complex at all except for one guy who also rides a motorcycle and a girl who tells me to have a good ride whenever I go out.

I don't really care for friends. But those which I do have were found through my hobbies. More specifically video games.

Personal experiences in bold if you care to read or not.

When I was young my father had me do all kinds of sports. My brother did them so I did too. I remembered one kid that I would always see playing baseball who I thought was interesting. Also, our dad's seemed to be friends to me. He went to a private school but around the age of 12 or 13 he started to go to my school. I remembered him so I went up and started talking to him. We started talking about video games and eventually started to play Runescape. Every day we played runescape for a few hours, which gave me the ability to socialize without the awkwardness of smalltalk or the need for a conversation as the topic was the game. We played this game every day for years and even started to do things that weren't just games. I don't know if he knows what he did for me but I'm grateful that he was there for me through those school years as a real friend. He was the only person that wasn't always acting whenever in school. He will now be my best man in my wedding next year.

My first best friend was when I was in elementary school. I met him around the age of 8. It turns out we lived down the street from each other. I had a super nintendo and he had an NES. Every day we would go to one of our houses and play video games with each other. This progressed to the GameBoy and GameBoy Color where we would play pokemon and trade with each other. We also stayed friends through high school but we drifted apart due to his changing personalities. Whenever it was just him and my brother though we would always have a good time when playing HALO.

A shorter story but a story none the less is my college years. Call of Duty 4 came out my first year and the succession of them from year after year. My skills in video games make people who enjoy them want me to be on their team and enjoy the odd things I say when we play together. Now that I've graduated college I play World of Tanks and have met a friend whom I've become quite close with. We only lived a few hours apart when we met (State College and Lancaster, PA), but now I moved down to Georgia for work. We met for the first time over beers in June when I was back in Pennsylvania for my sister's high school graduation. I was never keen on meeting in person until we had known each other for a few years. He will also be invited to my wedding.

Co-Workers will sometimes make good friends because of the similarities. But I don't care for my work or my co-workers so I just sit alone with my Bose Quietcomfort 15s and block them out. <<--- recommended for noise cancelling.

aye, there's the rub. if one is not into gaming or sports, that filters out the majority of the folks one might have enough in common with, to befriend.

But I'm sure everyone has interests that someone else enjoys. I just happened to find one that could keep me entertained by myself and link me to others.

If you like reptiles visit a reptile house.

If you like clothing go to a fabric store or the mall.

If you like art go to an art museum or private show.

I love motorcycles, fishing, reptiles, and insects. I am a member of forums for all of these hobbies but I have trouble finding other people to interact with to do them. Sometimes I get lucky like when my father introduced me to a guy he works with who also fly fishes. Now I consider him to be a friend.

I like to think of it this way: If they have something in common then they'll want to talk. If they don't then I don't care what they have to say anyways so why not talk to them. I don't get embarrassed so it doesn't bother me if I say something stupid to a stranger and then never see them again. If you do see them again what's the worst thing that can happen?

Story Time

I was with a group of people spending some time in a hotel last year. We had a group dinner and there was an open bar. My friend and I drank a good amount at dinner and before we left a couple of girls came to our table and were talking about a party in their room...or so we thought. When we left the dinner table we went up to their room and knocked on the door. They were both in towels and clearly not expecting people for a party. It was awkward but the next time we saw each other we just laughed. It was no big deal.

If you let us know what kind of hobbies/interests you have maybe we can offer some advice on where to meet people?

^^^
hiya Skcuf welcome to the cool club
there aren't too many people out there who are into audio restoration, that I've found in my neck of the woods, at least.

I think this is very important. It's hard not to take it personally as if you're owed friendship. Especially when everyone else making friends just glide along while you're trying your best with square wheels.