WHAT CAN AN NT DO TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP WORK WITH YOU

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I'm one Aspie female who does like to both say and hear "I love you" with regularity when I'm in a relationship!

I know a lot of people think that's ridiculous (even NTs) but I love to say it whenever I just feel like it, and I love to be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way. It's not about needing some kind of reassurance, I'm just soppy and romantic when I'm in love and feeling happy with the person. To me it's a joyful thing to utter when I'm seized with the feeling.

The key is to find someone who's on the same page, because if they hate that it's not going to be pretty, lol. That goes for NT relationships too. The issue of how often someone says "I love you" is a bit like "Do you sleep hugging each other or separate sides of the bed?" You gotta work that stuff out or one person will feel upset.

See, not everything is set in stone -- I think Aspies can be almost as varied and individual about many aspects of life as NTs can. You also find NTs who are like "WTF do I need to say I love you more than once?"

Dianthus: We have to make it work!

Seriously: I think you're an intelligent person. I don't know why you take issue with me. I'm actually a person who tends to give in within arguments--I'm not the Clint Eastwood type.

Not a bad list-- I would say
1) Absolutely, especially nvbl communication. One of NT hubby's biggest struggles with me is overexaggerated bodily reactions to things that startle or confuse me--like I will give him a wide berth if we are passing eachother in the hall or moving our arms about doing tasks, and to him it seems like I think if we accidentally make contact it's the end of the world as we know it. It's not that, it's that if I'm pretty apraxic and if I accidentally bump someone or something I feel very clumsy and stupid and it often hurts/bruises more than would make sense for the amount of force involved. I do bruise easily, I blame the asthma meds (corticosteroids suck).
2) yes, don't assume you know all there is to know about me. I know I don't know everything about you, in fact maybe less than you think because I'm not intuiting as much as you would, and generalizations are sometimes harder to grasp. Sometimes things that would seem obvious from past experience, I miss, because while there was a specific example, and you'd think I could extrapolate that example over many future similar situations, as an Aspie I might not actually see it as the same sort of thing because I'm focused on the details and the details are different enough that it doesn't seem like a similar situation after all. the blog musingsofanaspie speaks to this point, though I don't presently remember which entry. It is another good blog though.
3) This is not always but quite often true.
a) This might be an introvert/extrovert thing as much as an NT/ASD thing, but generally Aspies are far more likely to be introverted than extroverted so it's probably generally true. I have known a couple of extraverts on the spectrum, though.
b) maybe true for casual or short term relationships? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like NT hubby says it more than I need to hear it, and he wants to hear it a lot more often than I feel a need to say it. Sometimes I say "I love you" because I feel slightly irritated and I'm afraid he's picking up on that so I want to reassure him and remind him that I love him even when he annoys me. So maybe I'm NT that way, if I stop saying I love you to NT hubby there really is something wrong and I'm not feeling it, I'm hurting inside and not feeling loving or loved. Then when he says it, I struggle to suppress the feeling/response of "yeah right, you sure aren't showing it at the mo'!" I don't say it out loud but I think he reads it sometimes. It feels like hypocrisy when he says "I love you" and all the other signs say "you piss me off, I'm running out of patience, you drive me crazy and you have ruined my life with your crazy Aspie $h!t." Especially when he actually calls me crazy and calls my thoughts and ideas stupid $h!t, which he does when he loses his temper.
c) I think this is partly true, of most Aspies especially males, but for me I would like to have a listening ear to vent to a lot of the time. It's like the video "It's not about the Nail" that went viral over a year ago. I resonate with the lady in that flick, and NT hubby just thinks it's/she's stupid. When I have a problem, I would rather be left alone to work it out than be told it's stupid, or it's obvious what the answer is, or it's not a real problem, or worst of all be told what I should have done after the fact when it's too late to correct it. But I would also rather have someone listen and sympathize and say things like "that sounds rough" or "that sucks" or "I hate it when that happens" or "it's a shame/unfair that you had to go through that" than suffer in silence. Because when I suffer in silence, I often am replaying it over and over and over in my head without coming to any solution or resolving the problem, I'm just making it worse and worse in my own mind until it's blown all out of proportion into an obstacle that I can't get past and move away from. Like what Writergirl53 said about her friends' ambiguous reactions: I stress and worry about whatever I've done and whether it's an un-correctable error of some kind. I think that's what is meant by the Aspie tendency to perseverate. But hearing someone say how stupid I am to be concerned over such a thing when the solution is **so obvious** is much, much worse. To me that is the classic Fixer/Venter problem, which is often a male/female thing since more males tend to be Fixers and more females tend to be Venters. I don't feel comfortable with a whole group of females all venting at the same time, though. That just feels like an unpleasant gossipy hen session, especially if the venting is about a particular person or class of people. One-on-one sympathy sessions are one thing, group 61tch sessions are entirely another. Maybe most NT females see this as hashing out their problems and they feel better afterwards, but it just drags me down.

This. Especially about being "blunt."

I'd rather hear something negative about myself and learn how to do better than to be ignored and left to my own odd devices, always wondering what I did wrong.

A lifetime of rejection makes me very anxious about forming new friendships. LOTS of feedback is very helpful.

I also have my own idea...

A few people I know who either have or I think they have Aspergers is that giving them multiple choices for responses helps. Sometimes, they seem a little stymied when I want them to respond, and I give them choices. That seems to "unblock" their flow of thinking, or something. I do not know if I would like this or not because no one has ever tried it with me.

Be simple and direct. Don´t expect an aspie to know, that you want him to leave, when you offer him an extra cup of coffee.
I just had that dispute with somebody, so I better explain and disclose.

Interesting. But feedback about things you have done that are 'wrong' doesn't have to be negative. If someone is going to correct you they should also offer some helpful, positive advice or insights - which requires an understanding of how Aspergians think and process ideas.

I've noticed that giving multiple choices can be effective ... although some of my friends hate having to make decisions, so offering them a choice only makes matters worse! So again, it's a question of knowing how an individual thinks.

All very true!

I'm not saying I wouldn't like people to say positive things. I would just rather hear negative things than to have someone just leave my life without knowing the reason.

Whether it's positive, negative, neutral, or whatever, it's always nice to hear the "truth."

Treat me like any other real friend and just not mind my extended silence at times.

He may not be able to tell whether or not he is mad in the first place, and this is probably part of the reason that his facial expressions are hard to interpret.

It must be emphasized with the consideration of #2 here, that the relationship is reciprocal. As such, on our side of the relationship we must also strive to be conscientious and NT's should not be burdened with all of the responsibilities of maintaining the friendship.

Thank you, Mr. Lukecash, for understanding that.

And I thank you for your interesting and helpful observations. Furthermore, I wonder what you think about possible communication methods and modes of expression that can bridge these gaps? Are there ways to express affection, cope with problems, and communicate those problems that both parties can engage in? Ways that don't cater merely to one or the other at a particular moment? Or agreements that can be had in order that each can have their own requisite time? For example: when I had issues that I needed to mull over by myself I told my ex-wife both that I needed to wait to discuss it with her, and most importantly I promised that I would still eventually discuss it with her.

I don't think I should expect anything more off of any one person in order for them to be my friend.
As long as they share core principles about ethics and etiquette they can like, be, and within reason, do whatever makes that person, that person.

Your explanation of what you need to do (mull over the problem) and that you promised to discuss it with her later would have been enough for me, but I know that from reading Aspie books and communicating with Aspies about how they think.

I think that relationships between Aspie men and NT women are always going to take a lot of work and understanding. Men in general don't show a lot of affection and NT women need affection shown and to have one on one time spent "small talking" and telling about what is happening in their life and their "feelings". I know that talking about "feelings" is uncomfortable with NT men - I had an NT male friend and this was always a joke between us - that my ultimate wish would be for him to talk with me all night about "feelings". I know that discussing "feelings" is probably totally foreign to Aspie men. However, on the other Aspie site I was on, I would stress how important it was and for the Aspie man to "really be in the moment and listening" because not having that emotional need taken care of feels very lonely - extremely lonely in fact, and depression and resentment will eventually happen. The Aspie books say to have that void filled by other NT women friends, but if an NT woman has a Hunny she wants to have a certain closeness with him too. It's hard explaining the feeling problem with Aspies.

NT women need hugs and smooches, holding hands and snuggling - all things that Aspies feel uncomfortable with. I don't know how to bridge that gap because the Aspie man will always be doing something that is uncomfortable for him. Another thing I had a problem with texting my Aspie friend was that he didn't feel the need to communicate as often as me. I was a daily communicator while he could go several weeks without saying anything. Of course, I changed my habits since I wanted to keep the friendship, but I cried a lot because my emotional need of communicating wasn't being met. It was a very lonely feeling and still is. One thing for me is if communication is lessened then I don't keep the "warm fuzzies" feelings for that person and they get demoted to "acquaintance" status. That's why I wanted to see a picture of my friend so I could put a face to his name otherwise he is just a stranger. He did send his voice and that was a more personal touch to keep me connected. Without that "connected" feeling, I find it hard to open up and share anything about me and stay loyal and a true friend. For NT women, friendships and relationships are all about feeling and not logic. There's nothing logical about love.

I'm a weird Aspie--in that I'm not very complex when it comes to relationships.

I don't even like talking about "being in a relationship" while I'm in a relationship. I just like to do things with that person.

When I talk about the "nature" of the relationship with somebody, I feel like I'm stuck in an Ingmar Bergmann movie.