Make an extremely dark joke.

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I know I should eat more vegetables, but those wheelchairs are hard on the teeth.

There was once a carrot who got into a terrible car accident and was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. His parents, who were also carrots, were in the waiting room, very anxious and distressed. Finally the doctor came in and said, "Your son survived the accident and the surgery, but I'm afraid he's going to be a people for the rest of life."

>Be the pope.
>Meet JD Vance
>Die of cringe
>Refuse to elaborate

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A teacher asked little Annie what her father did for a living.
"He scares people," said Annie.
"Oh, I see. Is he a Halloween entertainer or something?" asked the teacher.
"No, he's a news reporter," replied Annie.

Why is it that when you die, people at your funeral are crying and wishing you'd come back, but if you *do* come back they're all screaming and running away?

Mark Carney dies of a heart attack and all of Canada celebrates.

I heard that the guy that stole my diary in middle school died, my thoughts are with his family.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

What's the difference between cancer and me? My dad didn't beat cancer

I've heard that when you die the movie of your life plays before your eyes.
If you're blind, it must be just the soundtrack.

Nellie Olsen. She's a real joke of a character.

^ good one ahahaha

I got fired from my job because I asked the customer "smoking" or "non smoking". Apparently the correct terms are cremation or burial.

What's brown and smells like a fart?

The bus

The Family Circus comics have long been criticized for being bland, unfunny and overly inoffensive, but the early comics actually had some pretty dark humor and satire, for example:

One comic from the 60s shows the father watching the kids having a snowball fight in what appears to be a snowball fort.
The caption reads: A fort? Heck no! This is a fallout shelter!

Another early comic shows Billy about to get a shot while Dolly and Jeffy are crying at the doctor's office:
Billy says, "I wish I could be like daddy. He's getting his shots across the street."
(Implying the father is at the bar right now while the mother is stuck with the kids at the doctor's)