Please help me with dealing with my darling aspie husband

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First of all, I want to say that I relate to those in this forum so much that it's painful to admit. I have experienced the very isolating situations brought up over and over in this forum. Also, this forum has the most intelligent, civilized discussions I have ever read. Thanks much. I need some help.

I have suspected I was an aspie since the mid 90s...before the diagnosis became even recognizable to mainstream medicine. I am scientist by training and has almost unlimited access to information during my grad years. I verly likely got this from my mother's side. I had many of the difficulties described on this forum. I was able to construct an "alter" social self through many years of practice. When you reach a certain threshold of practice, the "theory of mind" gates explode to hyper acute levels...so in many instances with nonsociopathic people...I am able to get inside their mind before they do. I have synthesized this ability to be excellent with sales, teaching, business develoment, and finally, the protector of my loved ones. I have protected loved ones against financial castrophy (I have deep interest in finanical markets) and from medical suffering (I have a Ph.D. in physiology)...predetors of all kinds. When the situation is in chaos, they come to me to fix things. If I die tomorrow, I will know I had a great impact on loved ones.

Life for an aspie in this realm of development is so painful because they world is jagged and painful and often full of ugliness (as well as great beauty), yet my loved ones depend on me to carry things through with a stiff upper lip. Almost every day is like operating with a gunshot wound, but I force myself to deal with with the overwhelmingness. I know it takes a bite out of my biology that will never be replaced, but it's a life with purpose.

My darling, darling partner. This amazing human is a modern day Edison...he has risen to international acclaim in his area of industry...and lost it all because of poor defensive strategies to sociopaths The man has been screwed over beyond all belief by those he mentored and cared for. The man had endured physical pain beyond description...yet he still gets up and marches ahead. He is similar to me in stiff-upper lip determination, but he is very behind in the social development...and he would never recognize that he is very aspie. Sort of like a John Wayne sorts.

Of course, I am his protector. I protect him from all sorts of predation. I close all the sales, explain customer's abstract and complex needs, and plow out new markets. I protect him from the government...cause I know the formula for filling out screwed up forms and schmoozing on the phone to correct mistakes. I also am integral with R&D, filling gaps so that progress can explode. I can honestly say that I am the best friend he has ever had, and I have "fixed" many difficult issues.

The problem is his lack of empathy. he sees me as this "superhero" who makes things magically happen. He falls apart and melts down when I get sick, have meltdowns, or just need rest. He just doesn't see me as a human machine. He doesn't see himself as a human machine, and often works 12-16 hours a day. When he gets tired, he becomes irrational, hateful, thankless, and blames EVERYTHING on me. He threatens to quit our very promising business and to take a job at McDonalds or be a homeless bum. He won't listen to me at these moments when I tell him to sit down and be quiet. He does bizarre stimming at these meltdowns and his top of the lung yelling makes zero logical sense and reflects a meltdown in rational thought.

Of course, within 2-12 hours, there is a reboot, and he has very little insight as to what an ass he's been. I don't think he remembers. But I do. And now I know why he falls to such prey to the bad guys and has few close friends. A few meltdowns, and people start hiding the truth, not wanted to be on the receiving end of his rages. He is an ethical, honerable man. a real sweetie who can withstand hardships most of the time. And deep inside, he knows he owes me spiritual debt he will never be able to repay.

As a person who has meltdowns myself, I have a very hard time dealing with his hateful episodes, and it eats at our intimacy.

Please offer some suggestions, he is worth it.

To WrongPlanet!! !

You might find help in The Haven or In Depth Adult Life Discussion forums.

I am not in the same situation, but I can relate to some degree. My husband is a brilliant, wonderful man... who keeps getting a bipolar diagnosis that he rejects. He gets stressed out and I become the enemy. To say it is difficult is an understatement. He often goes through months of depressive states and it is hell, then he bounces back like nothing happened. I try to be patient with him, he is more than patient with me, and as you say, he is worth it. My husband now understands that there is a problem, he thinks it is not bipolar, but he knows it is something... that is a start. He is not taking time to look at his behavior, listen to what the others in the house have to say, he gets away and 'hides' when he needs to. It took time to get here, but he got here. I say this to say, I think your husband needs to understand how problematic and destructive his behavior is so he can start to learn to do what he needs to do to stop putting himself and yourself through these episodes (or at least reduce them... we all have our bad days now and then...).

As for what you can do in the meantime... I do not know. I am a blunt person, so over the past year now, my most common way of dealing with my husband when he is out of control is to tell him that he is stressing me out and I cannot deal with him at the moment, so he has two options, I will leave until he is calm enough to rationally discuss what is bothering him, or he can go away/sleep until he is calm enough to rationally talk to me, whichever he prefers. I let him know that I love him, respect what he feels, but his behavior is hurtful to me (I focus on short statements that only apply to how I feel, not what he is doing... he cannot tell me I am wrong about my reactions/feelings, but he can and will argue with me if I try to tell him what he is doing) and while I want to be there or him, I am unable to at the moment and need time to regroup so we can productively address these things without hurting the other, who we love. I do not know if that is helpful at all... mine is 'bipolar' so it might not be at all anything that would work with your husband.

The important thing is, your husband really needs to understand what he is doing, that he has a problem. Then he can do things like pace himself... He works 12-16 hours a day?!? That would have me on permanent melt down mode. I was just diagnosed this year, and I think back on the last job I had... sometimes I would work 50 hours a week or ten days straight and I wondered why I was a basket case and I feel awful now for how I behaved when I was home. I put my family through hell on more than one occasion and then had the nerve to sometimes wondered why they were being such jerks. I just could not see it as I was so caught up in what I know now was me burning out. I crashed and burned bad. I always thought I was strong and could push through anything. Yeah... not so much. I try, but I respect my limits now and am learning about my triggers... I might be biased here, as all I know for sure is what is in my own head, but I really think he needs to look at himself and realistically understand what is going on to help him, you, both of you together, and gain some sense of accountability for himself and his actions.

I wish you well in this. It is hard when you love someone like that and see the beauty in them, but have to go through such a... what is the word... horrible/heartbreaking/draining ordeal with them. Can you two get into counseling? Sometimes people respond better hearing things from a third party. Not that your husband does this, but sometime people can think you are lying or picking on them or exaggerating or whatnot... My husband sometimes receives things better from others than he does from me... not always, but sometimes... it could be worth the try, if he is willing to go with you. Anyway, I do wish you well in this. It is clear you care for him very much... I think that is the most important thing for success.

Wow...you guys really understand. Yes, the man is exactly like Edison, and he works like Edison did 12+ hours. I have never met a more hardworking, ethical person. In fact, we have not had a day off in like 2 months.

I used to have meltdowns just like him...and I would at least apologize and own up to my hurricanes. He doesn't even cognitively recognize what he's doing. But he doesn't cognitively recognize when he's in pain or tired or emotionally hurt as well.
Again, think of a John Wayne character...would John Wayne be open to mediation? Would John Wayne recognize a bullet wound to his own chest ( or a woman crying? But John Wayne would go the world to do the "right thing"....do you catch my drift? This is a TOUGH guy who refuses to be broken by life. A guy that could climb Mount Everest with two broken legs.

I suppose I will just have to tell him I need my space and that he is being hurtful and destructive.

I don’t know if this will work in your case but I learned a long time ago that having two or three beers in the evening mellows (reboots) me.

Thank you gus so much! i would have answered sooner, but he started diassembling all of the computers and our wireless internet system. LOL...

Yes, dossa, this is great advice. I do a lot of nice little ritual things for him...coffee, dinner, greetings, hugs...he depends on stability...I withdrew my energies yesterday and quit doing things that make his life great.

I also refused to be at his beck and call yesterdayand focused on me. he deeply depends on this.

I incorporated all of your wonderful suggestions.

I went to the coffeeshop last night and a friend's house the night before---prior to him coming come from the business, so I would not be yelled at. I told him he was hurting me, and walked off at the business earlier yesterday when bizarre yapping ensued. I interrupted the gentle routine.

He called me both times asking me to come home. He reasseambled all of the computer systems in a sweet, loving way.

I see so much of myself in him...I see what my deficits were and to a smaller extent still are.

> I suppose I will just have to tell him I need my space and that he is being hurtful and destructive.

Yes, I agree with this approach. When someone else is melting down and being hurtful is not the right time to suck it up and accommodate everything. I am very supportive to my husband, but other times I'm like your husband -- meltown in rage with a hurtful/abusive tinge to it. I'm ashamed to say so, but it's true. I never understood myself until I could see myself through the eyes of someone who loves me -- and I could see I was doing wrong. It's still not an instant fix. It's hard to change longtime habits, but the hurt decreases, the understanding increases, and we hope for a tipping point where it's all better one day. Communication helps. Don't turn yourself into a doormat. It's hard to find the balance, I know. I give a lot, too, sometimes without receiving.

Not sure if what I've said is clear, as I've had stomach flu all weekend and just coming out of it.

Sometimes we just have to be told when we are bugging people. Even if it might seem obvious to the more socially savvy, we can be completely clueless.