Does being pretty and/or nice make AS easier?

Post Reply New Topic

In the 'Beautiful Aspies' thread there was some discussion about whether if you look pretty it makes it easier socially, especially romantically. Here is a thread to talk about it ..

Are you a girl or woman considered pretty, beautiful or attractive? Do you know someone who is?

Does being attractive (in one or more ways) make it easier to get along socially? Do you think it means more friendships, or easier interactions?

In particular, what about dating? Anyone with experience, in the positive or negative is welcome to post and discuss the effects of being a pretty girl with an invisible disability.

My experience of this issue is that it can be hard. A lot of girls are pretty and a lot of girls with AS are pretty, from what I know. Sometimes we have something 'other worldly' about us, too, that allures people a little.

I do receive compliments sometimes. I also receive compliments from men. I'm very androgynous when it comes to my views of people, and tend to treat men with friendship. Sometimes, this can give completely the wrong signal. It used to leave me in awkward spots, when a guy assumed something was going on and I had no clue about it 'going on' at all.

Sometimes I would reciprocate attention from boys I didn't really like, because I felt awkward and didn't know what else to do. And at other times in my life I've dismissed destructive characteristics, thinking that looking at the best in people was always a good thing to do and then being scared to have boundaries with them.

What I've found in recent years (I've been single for some time, and currently very happy that way) is that I am also a bit impaired when it comes to dating. It' s almost comical.

If someone I am attracted to likes me, it takes me ages to pick up on it. Usually by the time I do, they've started to walk away thinking I'm not interested. In those kind of situations, guys flood me with attention, thinking I'm experienced and savvy, when they'd be better off treating me like the awkward nerd that I am underneath.

I cudda written that myself except I wouldn't have expressed it so well!

I am bizarrely beautiful and alluring to some people and yet a freak to others...

It's happened to me soo many times that I've kind of been friends with a guy because we've had something in common and then by the time it was way too late realised that they wanted to be much more than friends.

I've also reciprocated attention from people I didn't like because I didn't know how to say 'no' politely... and still don't...

To add to the pure joy of dating, I'm also asexual and don't like being kissed or touched. So it's basically a catalogue of disaster from start to finish. Nowadays the cycle is much shorter, a guy talks to me, I naively think that they want to be friends, we have some kind of stilted conversation (or several over time) depending upon how good a conversationalist the guy in question is because I'm carp at keeping conversation going. Things get to the point where the guy is totally blatent about the fact that he wants it to be more than friends. I stop speaking to the guy and never speak to him again! And it becomes just as repetitive as every other aspect of AS. Since the last time this happened, which was probably nearly a year ago now, I have deliberately avoided men almost entirely.

The other problem with men being interested for me was that I've had more attempts at non-consensual sexual stuff than I could count on both hands because I didn't know how to say 'no'. I'm surprised that I've not been raped.

I think the only difference between being a 'good-looking' aspie and a 'not-so-good-looking' aspie is that people are more likely to initiate contact with you. That does not for one minute mean that they will sustain it though. I've actually had a guy straight out tell me to my face that I look really beautiful and interesting but when he spoke to me there was nothing underneath

I'll have to think a moment before I vote. When I was younger I was often pursued but rarely by anyone that I wanted to get to know better. I think part of that was because I was a bartender and that's instant glamour for some . I could often tell I had nothing in common with the person and it is very difficult to say no kindly without lying which I find hard to do. So I'd just stammer instead. Because I was so quiet and non confrontational I think many thought I was easy to target. I also have sharp features that people are either or about. So I don't know-it's probably more clear cut for someone everyone thinks is attractive. I guess more opportunities give you more time to practice but general I think the last option is the best description. I think this is especially true when it's not so easy to learn from experience. It seems a knowledge of game rules is required and at 52 I still don't have a effing clue.

for the "reciprocated attention", I think one of female AS things is that they go into relationship because other side interests and not their own. I could always "feel" who is into me and definetely not having any interest into persons who are not into me no matter how beautiful, or interesting they may be. like whole my wolrd is defined by me (yeah like self-centered b***h).

it helps being pretty/sexy or whatever since then people are willing to put up with me and i am forgiven more. although i would say i am not that much pretty.

For the record, I've been told that I'm kind of the girl next door type, but with unusual coloring. Am I pretty? No idea or particular interest in finding out. As long as I'm appreciated by the person (mentally as well as physically) I love I'm happy with that.

That said, I was lucky during my dating years because I was raised Catholic in a very traditional, heavily Catholic area so my seemingly "shy and modest nature" made me appear to be the kind of girl boys' parents wanted them to date.

I think it's both a gift and a curse for women in general. I mean let's face most people judge a book by its cover and good looks is bound to be the first thing a person notices before really getting to know that person.

However I'm sure it can be hard for women with aspergers as most of us tend to come off as naive and child-like in some ways. I don't consider myself good looking but I notice that the only type that I've ever attracted tend to be the aggressive/fast type. I'm usually not compatible with men like this b/c I like my space and I like to be in charge every now and then. This makes it more difficult as not only am I unattractive but also have trouble communicating verbally/physically and also have trouble with picking up the same cues.

good to see you back MissC.

It's good to be back and good to see you Aimless!

Speaking of beauty, i wonder how much our expectations are based on make up and lighting? For instance:



[img]http:///jillmailander88.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/celebs-without-makeup-18.jpg[/img]



Now, I think all these women are fine either way. Often they look better without, but it just goes to show you it's all about presentation.

I think this an interesting discussion and I'm glad to hear your responses. Nice to hear LinnaeusCat (sometimes I think I would like to be married one day and I like hearing of AS women who happily are.

I think this is a really pertinent point, MissConstrue. I realised, in the last year or so that perhaps AS is the reason I had a terrible (emotionally withered, with touches of violence) relationship when I was younger. Because I need absolutely clear signals to understand a person's interest, I got those from someone who was controlling and unhealthy. I have noticed at times that I actually like those who speak a little louder, seemingly with more confidence, because then I know 'they really mean it' and are not just acting some kind of faux pas.

The fast type, too, because the fastness comes across to me as intelligence. .. perhaps the reasons they are avoiding some social interaction rituals are different to the (naive, AS-type) reasons I would avoid them..

Also, when I was younger (I am now 32), I don't think I actually felt attraction and sexual attraction very well. I wanted to, but I just didn't, only very rarely. It has seemed to take a long time to develop, for me.
Nowadays, because I seem to feel that more clearly it helps me know what I like in people and what I don't. When it comes to men, I'm quite prepared to take my time yet I know that generally what attracts me is intelligence. That's it, really. And that's just me. Not that other things don't matter too, but I am intelligent, I want someone who has that in common with me, and I think to me it implies respect - the essential

edit - spelling

I had a habit of gravitating to more socially aggressive men. I guess because it was easier. They are not my type though. My son's father was the opposite. Quiet, polite, shy and bookish. He however almost destroyed me. You just never know.

I think most Aspie-girls dont realize how good they look, since most of them dont even bother.
I was one of them when I was younger. I could have looked really great but I didnt care. The boys in my class concidered me their friend, only.
They saw me as one of them. I was more like a boy-girl. So I also dressed like one. baggy pants, big shirts etc. Even if I actually had a rather good body, nicely shaped. (just a little overweight)
I had a period when I used makeup. Didnt really help though. Since I still wore the same clothes.
Still I had a few boyfriends. that I sadly treated rather bad.. I didnt know how to behave. Its not until now, when Im grown up, that I got it figured out, more or less atleast. And it helps that my fiance is a bit like me.

Strangely, I am incredibly vain.......or obsessionally groomed. I function better with neatness.......neat hair, no body hair, ironed clothes, matching clothes and so on......and good fabrics a must!

I am not into fashion and pay little attention to what is fashionable.......but I dress obsessively. I am not conceited......I would not know how to be!

Sorry to the OP for digressing........I have been characterised as "striking". I am nearly 6 foot, italian/french/Spanish background..... In fact people often ask if I am of Polish, Croatian or Serbian descent. But I would not say I was "pretty".

I pay little attention to my looks in relation to others........I get my fare share of attention but once someone gets to know me in my experience, they tend to get put off by my "eccentricities" and lack of focus........not to mention my hatred of being interrupted. They often look disappointed........the aesthetic has not matched the "package". So, no I do not believe it has made me more socially acceptable.......in the long term.

My fiance, who is wonderful, often points out when I am getting casual attention from other men.......and women it seems too.

Hope I have not gone too much off the topic.......

Mics

Hey Mics. Nice to meet you !

I related to your post and it isn't off topic at all. All good.

My outside package can also come across as different to the inside and I relate to being described as dramatic, or striking, too. I dress usually according to aesthetics that I have, not fashion. They can then be comfortable for me to wear also.
I have often come to expect that people will be put off once they get to know me better; my oddness seems to increase if I sense a person actually likes me or may be more than a casual acquaintance. Friendships usually work best for me if there is a purpose; like if I see someone regularly re a shared interest. I think this a general tendency, NT and aspie, but I know that I am particularly bad at the 'interacting for the sake of socialising' part; it is confusing and often uncomfortable for me in ways that others do not seem to share.

It is wonderful that you sound like you have a nice fiance too, who can perhaps help and support you with things like this; picking up signals taking notice of cues

In other words: If you're a skinny female Aspie.