Girlfriend is taking advantage of me.

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adultasp
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15 Apr 2013, 5:53 pm

Due to my asperger. I cant seem to shake the phenomenon of girlfriend taking advantage of my niceness and tendency to always fix. I also have trouble making enough money to live on my own so I'm stuck. It gets so aggravating sometimes that I want to use drugs or something stupid to get my mind off of things but I just wait till the next day. I was barely out of a six year relationship with somebody who took advantage of me when the next one came along. I thought I was just going to be her roommate but when she lost her job and all her money and then the house was about to go I had to get involved to save my own living space!. now I am latched to her. I turned her business around but I have nothing.



JanuaryMan
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15 Apr 2013, 5:58 pm

Do you do boyfriend and girlfriend stuff at all? What sort of relationship is this?



adultasp
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15 Apr 2013, 7:15 pm

we live together. she is in my space constantly. always needing my attention. If I try to pull away or get time for myself she becomes very insecure and starts badgering me tenaciously to include her in everything. She has worn my nerves down to nothing I am very aggravated and depressed. I can only get my way with her if I get extremely demanding and assertive and I dont enjoy being that way.



aspiemike
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15 Apr 2013, 7:47 pm

adultasp wrote:
we live together. she is in my space constantly. always needing my attention. If I try to pull away or get time for myself she becomes very insecure and starts badgering me tenaciously to include her in everything. She has worn my nerves down to nothing I am very aggravated and depressed. I can only get my way with her if I get extremely demanding and assertive and I dont enjoy being that way.


Try being assertive without the demands. Just say "no, not right now. I need my time alone" or something along those lines.



adultasp
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15 Apr 2013, 10:46 pm

ok. I will but it is always a fight and the fight drives a lot of stress down into me. I fear I will have a stroke. Im already 70 lbs overweight and having panic attacks



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16 Apr 2013, 1:50 pm

I had a similar issue (not to that degree) where I was starting to get panic attacks due to my GFs controlling and obsessive behavior. I recently decided enough was enough and to let my inner jerk out and in a rare move for old doormat me told her to smarten up or else and I'm sick of her childish attitude. To my surprise, she has drawn even closer to me and so far has done everything I asked. Now I see the meaning of the old saying "nice guys finish last". I've learned to be very firm and lay down very clear guidelines that I expect to be followed and warned her what the consequences will be. Hate to be that way but I am NOT going to make myself miserable.



appletheclown
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16 Apr 2013, 2:41 pm

adultasp wrote:
Due to my asperger. I cant seem to shake the phenomenon of girlfriend taking advantage of my niceness and tendency to always fix. I also have trouble making enough money to live on my own so I'm stuck..


Man, when I get my own apartment, and everything starts to roll on me for me to take care of myself, I'll be in the exact same position as you are. My cousin has it worse than both of us though. Her 'boyfriend' and soon to be husband is an ex-con. He robbed a place, then got in trouble in jail, and had to stay in jail while my cousin was pregnant with his kid. He even just might have done something his parole officer he might not be supposed to do. Think of it this way, at least YOU are the GOOD guy, you just haven't figured it all out yet. I mean, I'd much rather have you have been the one that got my cousin pregnant, you seem like a much nicer guy. Feel any better?



adultasp
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16 Apr 2013, 3:56 pm

I appreciate the compliment. it means a lot. I look at her and I know I deserve everything that comes to me because I took care of her. Even if she doesnt know it or doesnt totally know it. I decided to fix her instead of myself 3 years ago because I knew that even though she was a mess, I was a worse mess and the likelihood that I would get up and running was less than the likelihood she would get there. I made the right decision. She is now a successful realtor and in total we are better off. I still dont know what my prospects are in the world. but I know I made the right decision logically. Followed my instinct. Even though she is a strange bird, she works well in the neurotypical world and closes deals. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that. I might always be dependent on people because there isnt any kind of safe harbor or rescue for me. I havent found anything in ten years since my last steady employment as adult asperger.



appletheclown
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20 Apr 2013, 4:51 pm

adultasp wrote:
I appreciate the compliment. it means a lot.


I havent found anything in ten years since my last steady employment as adult asperger.


Hey, np!

By the way, have you tried carving wood or wood burning art? Aspies are good engineers, but superb solitary artisans! Try it, it could be just a hobby, but custom carvings and burned wood signs are expensive, and you could make money off of a stupid looikn piece of wood.

I myself, have confidence going for me. So once I get my drivers license I am going to carve, burn, smith, and weld my art into the market on etsy, then open my own shop. C'mon just humor me and consider it a hobby at least!



appletheclown
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20 Apr 2013, 4:53 pm

appletheclown wrote:
adultasp wrote:
I appreciate the compliment. it means a lot.


I havent found anything in ten years since my last steady employment as adult asperger.


Hey, np!

By the way, have you tried carving wood or wood burning art? Aspies are good engineers, but superb solitary artisans!



Davinci, Van Gough, and Mozart would agree!



PrncssAlay
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21 Apr 2013, 8:35 am

appletheclown wrote:
I am going to carve, burn, smith, and weld my art into the market on etsy, then open my own shop. C'mon just humor me and consider it a hobby at least!


I've been looking into the etsy marketing website lately and may post a couple of paintings there at some point. It would be lovely not having to deal with galleries, art receptions, fawning collectors, etc. Some artists love all that attention, but that alone is almost enough to scare me off painting as a career.



appletheclown
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21 Apr 2013, 9:15 am

PrncssAlay wrote:
I've been looking into the etsy marketing website lately and may post a couple of paintings there at some point. It would be lovely not having to deal with galleries, art receptions, fawning collectors, etc. Some artists love all that attention, but that alone is almost enough to scare me off painting as a career.


Yeah etsy is pretty cool.


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21 Apr 2013, 3:33 pm

You don't sound happy at all in that relationship. Is there any reason you have to stay in it?



sixteenornumber
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24 Apr 2013, 7:15 am

Look for a roommate web site. (PM me if you want a specific link.) I've had amazing luck using this method. You can search by location, age, gender, cost, and people post what kind of roommate they are looking for. Can't hurt to look.



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24 Apr 2013, 8:27 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I've learned to be very firm and lay down very clear guidelines that I expect to be followed and warned her what the consequences will be. Hate to be that way but I am NOT going to make myself miserable.


I'd do this, and make sure to stand firm on it. It sounds like you need to make it clear that your needs are just as valid as hers. Keep it firm, consistant, and no waffling or you'll just slide back into the familiar relationship dynamics again.