What do you do when asked to make a sudden decision?

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KitLily
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27 Oct 2022, 8:52 am

I often find people suddenly want me to suddenly do something I'm not sure I want to or even can do, physically.

e.g. an extreme physical activity like a long walk or run; go on a long shopping trip in a loud shopping centre; stay up all night.

What do you do if you are asked to make a sudden decision like that, where you're not sure how you feel or think about it? Or whether you can do it or not? People are in a hurry, they need a quick answer and won't wait, they're pressurising me and might leave me behind, alone.

Any advice?


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Mountain Goat
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27 Oct 2022, 8:59 am

Shut down? (He says in humour).

I often say "No" as I do not have timeto think to say "Yes" and found in the past said "Yes" but learned the hard way... As burnt out. BUT saying "No" people would put lots of pressure to say yes and I would say yes to make them go away and I would then end up exhausted after doing the yes.



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27 Oct 2022, 9:16 am

If it’s an instant decision the answer is no. If it’s something in the future I’ll probably say yes to shut them up… then duck out later, preferably by email.


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Fenn
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27 Oct 2022, 9:51 am

Sometimes I will answer in a way to buy time: “let me check my calendar and get back to you”. Or “wow that sounds great!” (My dirst impression) “let me check and see if I have any conflicts”.

Another answer can be “not this time but ask me again another time” that way you can take time to think about it and talk to trusted people and you don’t burn any bridges.


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KitLily
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27 Oct 2022, 11:59 am

Fenn wrote:
Sometimes I will answer in a way to buy time: “let me check my calendar and get back to you”. Or “wow that sounds great!” (My dirst impression) “let me check and see if I have any conflicts”.

Another answer can be “not this time but ask me again another time” that way you can take time to think about it and talk to trusted people and you don’t burn any bridges.


They are good ideas for times when I am asked in advance, but I mean when I'm asked right this instant.

'Hey, great to meet you for coffee today, let's go for a long walk to the top of the hill, we can take our coffees and talk as we walk.' 'Hey we're off to the cinema but it's a lovely day, let's walk there instead of going in the car' (an unspecified distance, almost certainly long, and in hot weather).

I mean when there isn't time to check my calendar, it's 'right here, right now'. I do have health issues- chronic fatigue and hypoglycaemia which make it hard to do sudden physical activity.

Sorry I wasn't very clear in my first post.

Maybe before I meet someone for coffee/whatever, I need to think carefully about what my boundaries are? i.e. if she asks me to suddenly go on a long walk, I must say I can't.


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KitLily
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27 Oct 2022, 12:02 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
I often say "No" as I do not have timeto think to say "Yes" and found in the past said "Yes" but learned the hard way... As burnt out. BUT saying "No" people would put lots of pressure to say yes and I would say yes to make them go away and I would then end up exhausted after doing the yes.


That's exactly what I mean. Saying 'yes' to keep the peace so I don't appear boring/ weak/ unsociable. And then I end up burnt out or even ill afterwards for days.


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KitLily
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27 Oct 2022, 12:03 pm

Trueno wrote:
If it’s an instant decision the answer is no. If it’s something in the future I’ll probably say yes to shut them up… then duck out later, preferably by email.


I think I will start saying no as a default, that's a good idea.


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IsabellaLinton
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27 Oct 2022, 12:08 pm

I say no unless it's something with good cause that absolutely has to happen.

If I did something I wasn't prepared to do I'd shut down and emit anger vibes, so it wouldn't be worth it.

When my kids pestered me for quick decisions I always said "If you need an answer right now, it's no. If you can give me time to think about it the answer (for now) is maybe."



Fenn
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27 Oct 2022, 1:02 pm

KitLily wrote:
Fenn wrote:
Sometimes I will answer in a way to buy time: “let me check my calendar and get back to you”. Or “wow that sounds great!” (My dirst impression) “let me check and see if I have any conflicts”.

Another answer can be “not this time but ask me again another time” that way you can take time to think about it and talk to trusted people and you don’t burn any bridges.


They are good ideas for times when I am asked in advance, but I mean when I'm asked right this instant.

'Hey, great to meet you for coffee today, let's go for a long walk to the top of the hill, we can take our coffees and talk as we walk.' 'Hey we're off to the cinema but it's a lovely day, let's walk there instead of going in the car' (an unspecified distance, almost certainly long, and in hot weather).

I mean when there isn't time to check my calendar, it's 'right here, right now'. I do have health issues- chronic fatigue and hypoglycaemia which make it hard to do sudden physical activity.

Sorry I wasn't very clear in my first post.

Maybe before I meet someone for coffee/whatever, I need to think carefully about what my boundaries are? i.e. if she asks me to suddenly go on a long walk, I must say I can't.


Play the cards you have now. Play this hand. But always remember there will be another hand of cards.


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Mona Pereth
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28 Oct 2022, 10:45 am

KitLily wrote:
I often find people suddenly want me to suddenly do something I'm not sure I want to or even can do, physically.

e.g. an extreme physical activity like a long walk or run; go on a long shopping trip in a loud shopping centre; stay up all night.

What do you do if you are asked to make a sudden decision like that, where you're not sure how you feel or think about it? Or whether you can do it or not? People are in a hurry, they need a quick answer and won't wait, they're pressurising me and might leave me behind, alone.

Any advice?

Who/what are these "people"? Friends? Family members? Relatives? Lovers/partners or potential lovers/partners? Co-workers? Your boss? Your landlord?

Who these people are, and their relationship to you, might make a big difference as to the appropriate way to respond. So too might the circumstances under which these sudden requests/invitations arise.

With most people in my life, I've simply had an announced policy that I just don't go out on major social outings on short notice, and that I need to make plans at least a week in advance.

Last-minute changes to an already-existing plan -- e.g., going to a different restaurant than originally planned -- are more tolerable for me, but only if there is a compelling reason for the change (e.g. the original restaurant suddenly went out of business, or the nearest train has big delays). I just don't like hanging out with people who change plans willy-nilly.


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Mona Pereth
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28 Oct 2022, 11:00 am

KitLily wrote:
I mean when there isn't time to check my calendar, it's 'right here, right now'. I do have health issues- chronic fatigue and hypoglycaemia which make it hard to do sudden physical activity.

Do the people in your life know about these health issues? If not, maybe you could inform them, so your reluctance to change plans might be more understandable to them?


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21 Dec 2022, 8:44 am

I choose the first stupid thing that pops into my head. In such cases speed is more important than accuracy.


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KitLily
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23 Dec 2022, 8:13 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
When my kids pestered me for quick decisions I always said "If you need an answer right now, it's no. If you can give me time to think about it the answer (for now) is maybe."


That's a good idea.


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KitLily
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23 Dec 2022, 8:16 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Who/what are these "people"? Friends? Family members? Relatives? Lovers/partners or potential lovers/partners? Co-workers? Your boss? Your landlord?

Who these people are, and their relationship to you, might make a big difference as to the appropriate way to respond. So too might the circumstances under which these sudden requests/invitations arise.

I just don't like hanging out with people who change plans willy-nilly.


When I used to have friends, 'these people' were potential friends, who I didn't know very well. I was trying to make a good impression and not appear boring/ weak/ fussy, I suppose.

For many years I haven't known enough people to be choosy about what I do and who I go to events with. Unless I want to be lonely, I have to say 'yes' to everything or potential friends disappear.


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KitLily
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23 Dec 2022, 8:18 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Do the people in your life know about these health issues? If not, maybe you could inform them, so your reluctance to change plans might be more understandable to them?


Probably not, but I don't have a defined illness or condition like diabetes or MS, so it would take so long to carefully explain my problems that they'd have got bored by the time I'd finished.

My problem is that I look thin, healthy, glossy haired etc. so people can't believe there is anything wrong with me and if/when I suddenly collapse, they stare in disbelief.


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23 Dec 2022, 8:36 am

I say no.

But I’m married, so I don’t worry about being alone. Living with another person is a lot of social time!

Maybe in situations like walk with our coffee: “I’d love to, but unfortunately I can’t” you could “explain” with “I’ve been having some issues with my blood sugar.” Or such.