I can't let brother-in-law's girlfriend ruin my Christmas!

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With her nasty under the breath comments about how over-indulged my son is and what a terrible mother I am whenever he starts to make a fuss.

He has a tandrum on our walk because he hates the snow. He wakes up screaming at the crack of dawn because he can't sleep in no matter how late he goes to bed. He is a couple of years delayed when it comes to playing with other kids and sharing.

She apparently doesn't believe the dx and is convinced that it is all my fault. The thing that really gets me mad is that my husband and his family do nothing to help me or stand up for me. Her under the breath comments are often loud enough for me to hear over the screaming. His family's silence is like a knife in the back, because they know good and well what issues my husband had when he was this age.

I have been so proud of my son's progress, the work his therapists, doctors, and teachers have done, and the work that I have done with him. I think she would be more understanding if he were still quoting movies to himself, lining up toys, flapping his arms, and lying around all day. But no, he's doing great and she amps up the attitude.

It was really all I could do not to cry, but I just kept telling myself that it is just pure ignorance and a very cold heart that is making her say such mean things. She doesn't have kids of her own, let alone any experience with special needs kids, but she is not even related to us so what exactly is her problem?

There's ony one thing to do in this situation ........... form a WrongPlanet posse!!

Have you spoken to your husband? Asked him to stand up for you? If he's anything like my husband, he walks around daydreaming and has no idea what's going on around him.

It definantly needs your husband or brother-in-law (or someone from their family) to talk to her. Maybe they don;'t realise how much she upsets you.

She sounds like a cow!

Helen

In my opinion, anyone who doesn't have children of their own has no right to criticize others about children.
and...
Anyone who doesn't have an aspie child of their own has no right to criticize others about raising aspie children.

talk to your husband before the next event.....you insinuate that he is aspie also~is he ?....if he is , then he might not realize that this is an issue.
i would boycott any further contact with this woman. i would be specific and tell her that you will not tolerate any further negative comments from her.

Well, I disagree with talking to husband. If she is saying things that are audible over screaming, then it isn't "under breath". She is being overtly rude and you are perfectly in your right to tell her so. It's not her place to question a diagnosis and she has no business talking about you and your son out loud like that.
IMO, the husband being left out of it is a whole other issue. Why isn't he being criticized? Is he helping take of the child? Is he silently agreeing with his family by not sticking up for you?

By "girlfriend" is she a "significant other"? or flavor of the month? She may be just passing through and not much to worry about. Maybe the family is silent because they're embarassed of her.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such an incredibly rude person . One of my sisters occassionally makes the "under the breath" comment about my son. She has no children yet, but acts like an expert on everything. I try to ignore her but I know how hard it is.

Mm, isn't there some way that this child could communicate without screaming? I would find that annoying too and I am AS but with sensory issues. I would be tempted to say "be quiet!" or leave the room and not come back until he was calmed down.

This still doesn't mean this lady should make rude comments but she probably can't understand why he is doing what he is. It'd be better not to have any more contact with her if at all possible.

If you have to deal with shouting idiots without help...

Watch a few episodes of Catherine Tate and learn how to do the whole...

"am I bothered" routine.

My wife did it to a cashier at Coles this week because they were pushing her around about which aisle she was it.

No... It won't solve your problem (which should be solved with family intervention) but it can help to shut up people who need to be quiet.

This isn't the best example but it's the only one I can find - unfortunately, in this one, Lauren/Catherine is the agressor instead of the defender but you might get the idea.

I really hate it when people who don't have kids make those kinds of comments. They think they have it all figured out about kids until they have some of their own.

About her under the breath comments, I would address her directly. You can be your own defense by going on the offensive. Turn it back on her. Honestly, people don't say much to me because I give it right back to them. You only need to put her in her place once for her to learn the boundaries (unless she has a personality disorder).

It also helps if you stop caring what other people think. I learned this from parents of NTs. Their kids can be hateful and ill-behaved on purpose and they turn a blind eye to it as long as their kid isn't the one being bullied. So, I decided that I should not show weakness or embarrassment if my son is acting loopy or fussy despite his best efforts to control himself.

My husband is an aspie and all of this is waaaaay over his head. We have run into a similar situation before, and it started off a huge argument between him and I that I prefer to avoid this time around. I think that the fact that I felt alone in all of this really stood in the way of my dealing with it in the appropriate way. I was more distracted by the fact that I was dealing with our son and this person single-handedly, that she could've been saying anything and I still would've been upset.

Anyway, I am pretty much over it now. Won't have to see her until next year, if at all. If she is still around next year and still as rude, I will deal with it then.

Thanks for all the support. It really does help.

I don't understand why your son would have to scream when he wakes up in the morning because couldn't he just get out of bed and come over to you? It doesn't make sense.

Unfortunately, what you are up against is the general idea in society that if a child looks normal and they have behaviour that is normally attributed to being naughty and spoilt, other people will assume the child IS being naughty and spoilt and they should be stopped and/or punished for acting like that. I don't even understand why your son would get upset of a morning and I am another aspie.

Some understand if you tell them about autism but others still think you could do something with your child. I don't think you can avoid these people entirely and it is a pain having to educate others.

You're doing very well to look after a child with such challenging behaviours at times - I couldn't have done it, even though I do like children in general. It would just have been too much so you deserve a real pat on the back for managing so far.

He screams because he wakes up with the first light of day, no matter what time he goes to sleep. When we are staying away from home and the routine gets disrupted and there are other things going on, he cannot fall asleep at his usual time either. So he's going to bed way too late and getting up at his usual (4:30 on that day, 5:30 the last time), so he is VERY tired and VERY po'd, I guess at the sun.

Last time when he woke up at 5:30 and didn't stop screaming, I immediately picked him up and put him in the car. We drove around and I got him breakfast and he was fine. But she did hear the first part of it before I actually got him into the car.

The second time, we didn't even stay with them because I didn't want him waking everyone in the house up. He woke up screaming at 4:30 a.m., but she wasn't even staying in the same house. She isn't even around for most of the screaming, but I guess she's getting the stories second-hand and she's seeing bits and pieces of it for herself.

So it's not like I'm torturing anyone by keeping him around. The next time she heard him screaming, we were all on a walk in the snow. Once he got wet, he wouldn't stop crying, but we were already out and had to walk back.

The last time, I admit that I did not take him out of the room. At that point I had already heard enough of her nasty comments and couldn't care less about what anyone thought about it. I was more concerned with the fact that I was trying to deal with this by myself because my husband, as usual, was of no help whatsoever.

How old is your boy? Perhaps if he had dark curtains in his room, it would help with the light coming in. I'm trying to understand why he would make such a fuss. It doesn't seem logical.

I am not sure what part you don't understand. He is sensitive to light. We are sleeping away from home, visiting relatives. He doesn't go to bed on time, but he wakes up at the crack of dawn every morning. So when he gets up, he is tired, sleepy, and crying, but he can't go back to sleep because it is already getting light outside. He is 4, but he has been this way since he was born.

If he goes to sleep at 7, he wakes up at 5:30.
If he goes to sleep at 9, he wakes up at 5:30.
If he goes to sleep at midnight, he wakes up at 5:30.

Needless to say, on regular days, he must be in bed by 7.
When we are away from home, he doesn't go to sleep at 7.
Once we stayed in a hotel on vacation, and he rolled around on the floor until 3:00 a.m. because he was so overstimulated and could not fall asleep. But he still wakes up at 5:30. Actually on that day, I don't remember him waking up crying. He was probably too exhausted.

We are not going to change the curtains in someone else's home just to stay there one or two nights. Anyway, he used to have black out curtains in his own room at home and he'd wake up anyway unless we taped the whole thing to the wall every night to keep all of the light from coming in through the gaps on the side. Even then, he'd still wake up sometimes.

my NT son wakes up at 5:30 regardless of what time he went to bed too.
maybe he'll grow out of it some day......maybe not. sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.
on another note~ my hubby is aspie too. it's frustrating being in situations where you feel like a single parent because they can't handle the situation either because they don't understand what the problem is or they simply can't handle the situation.