Not being able to make friends is frightening me

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I think the problem is that I'm thinking way too much into this and making it seem worse than what it is. It's because of my mum being terminally ill - it's causing me to feel so depressed that even my antidepressants can't cure it, and depression often causes one to feel socially isolated, even among NTs with depression. So all I do is listen to my taunting thoughts that tell me I have no friends and that I'm stupid and everything.

Maybe I should up my Sertraline to 100mg?

I agree, Joe. You do come across as quite sociable. I'm envious.

the army was a lonely time for me. college was an extremely lonely time for me, the uncivil service likewise. the only time in my life i met folks on my wavelength was in a square pegs aspie meetup group that had a good run a few years ago before scattering to the four winds. i wonder what the OP's opinion is regarding associating with other aspies?

Friends ?

thank you

I once watched one or two episodes of the Mini Series "Shogun". The portion that I saw (filling in some blanks from wikipedia) went something like this: John Blackthorne fictional Englishman (loosely based on real life English navigator William Adams) is shipwrecked in Japan in the early 17th century. Blackthorne, the ship's English navigator, is taken prisoner by samurai warriors. He is basically thrown in a dungeon and forgotten about for a few months - maybe a year. While there one of the other prisoners takes the time to teach him some of the Japanese language and culture. There is this great scene where the two prisoners, alone in the jail and unable to communicate because neither speaks the other's language, decide to approach each other. The old man (apparently he had been in the jail a very long time - he has a long bedraggled beard) smooths out a patch of dirt on the cell floor and starts to make Japanese characters in the dirt with his finger - the two communicating only by gestures before that. Eventually the leader of the soldiers who has arrested Blackthorne, Lord Toranaga, calls Blackthorne in front of himself for an interview. Blackthorne has learned enough Japanese to defend himself. He isn't a spy or an enemy, just an unlucky sailor. His job on board the ship was "Pilot" and this has a translation in Japanese - it becomes his Japanese name. The Lord Toranaga proceeds to address Blackthorne as Pilot, and Blackthorne insists on "Pilot-san" - the word-ending indicating honor being important in the Japanese culture.

I have never forgotten these scenes - if Blackthorne had not learned the language from the other prisoner (who is eventually taken away and never seen again) his position would have been dire - he may even had been killed.

When I was in fourth grade (a school student of age 9) I was diagnosed with language disabilities - the official people tole me that my brain was wired differently than other people's brains. Since then I have been diagnosed with "fine motor disability" meaning I had trouble with handwriting, "dyslexia" meaning I had trouble with reading, and "adhd" meaning I have trouble with focus, impulse control and executive functions of the brain. I have taken the RDOS self test and self-diagnosed as HFA or Aspie. All of these still tell me "your brain is wired differently than other people's brains". All of these have some trouble with language - written, read or non-verbal (both "reading" and "writing" or "understanding" and "communicating").

But - if Pilot, as a prisoner in Japan could learn some Japanese - enough to talk to Lord Toranaga, and eventually become part of the Japanese Shogun culture (which is what the whole mini series was about) - maybe I could also learn some of these "non-verbal" language "words" - some of the "unwritten rules" of the culture which felt foreign to me. Perhaps I could rewire my brain - just a bit. I am in my 50s now and I cannot say I speak the language fluently, but I have made a point to learn, and try to keep learning, as much as I can - wherever I can.

It isn't a magic "fix" but it helps.

Communication Tips for Autism - How to Improve Small Talk

I'll just gonna call you out... sort of -- but it is alright not to answer because I'm practically just badgering you.


If you do have social skills... You had at least figured how charm works, yes?
It is one thing to be just friendly and approachable.
It is another to be able to give a point across to have a sort of mutual contact, transitioning acquaintances into friends.

And if you have emotional intelligence...
It is one thing to be able to read and sympathize.
It is another be able to in-sync with another that just goes beyond being just amicable, but more like emotionally reliable.


As much as you got the desire, you got the personality that drives socialization, high EQ scores, low AQ scores ...
How much can you apply it?

Sure, there's the AS factor and the ADHD factor...
But you also gotta consider factors you can very much control it -- like your mental health for example.


Lastly...
Your source of learning socialization... How much is it purely from NTs?

And how much is it from NDs?
Had you learnt something from other NDs and how does one is able socialize well other than mimicking NTs?

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One reason mimicking isn't a sustainable solution for masking/blending in is because NTs have fully functional mirror neurons. Mirror nuerons allow NTs from a young age to organically apply sophisticated social interaction when meeting or interacting with NTs.

This doesn't mean it won't happen (clearly many thousands of autistic people have successful relationships with NTs) but it means you need to do more than just mimic.

only the highest functioning NT-emulating aspies need apply for this cognitive level.