Dealing with a parent who has in the past been abusive...

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CollegeGirlAnon
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22 Jan 2021, 11:29 pm

Ok, so I am 27 years old. But I am posting here bc I need to talk to adults who are adults. But I am going to be mature (for the most part, with this topic I might joke somewhat bc it cannot get too serious bc that is something that is emotional for me in a bad way).

Now, I am in Minnesota and on a CADI Waver. I live in my own apartment I pay rent on. I was working but I burned out due to covid (was working grocery store retail). And then a gun violence situation and a break in (from someone non-aggressive but still) happened. So now I have to consider options that allow me to not work and focus on school (I am in college).

Now, I have tried talking to my Mom about all of this but she yells a lot. In the past there has been emotional abuse and financial abuse (she was my rep payee and has a gambling issue...so yea it was not a good situation).

I manage my own affairs now totally. Which I think is amazing that I can do.

I now refuse to go to the casino with her for the most part bc she says she will only be there for a few hours but then she is there for the entire night. It's not something that is good for me to engage in.

Now, how have other people dealt with their parents like this? I don't wish to go no contact bc I think distance is what is needed. I am exploring options that don't involve talking with her about this all the time.

I think with our situation of low income and such that she also feels helpless and that is why she yells. I don't think she is evil but also I don't have her very close to me for this reason as far as her involvement in my affairs with my social services stuff.

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idntonkw
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23 Jan 2021, 12:32 am

If you go no contact, your mom will feel anger. Your mom is immature, but she still loves you and you should try to make the best of your family unit. Now you want to plan for your future and have financial security for your family, but you have to make peace with the uncertainty by letting your mom do the irresponsible stuff she does while at the same time trying to make small improvements in her life and help her a little bit. Is there anything she is competent at doing that would help you in your life? In other words, try to use your family for whatever it's strengths are.

I made the mistake by either getting too involved and turning abusive about it, or being too uninvolved and then neglecting myself anyway in every single way. Now not only does my family resent me and I have no friends, but my life is ruined compared to what it could have been.

You need a middle ground between no contact and being too involved with your mom. The emotional immaturity and lies will mess with your head. Help when you can, and try not to fight with her. What does she yell at you about? Perhaps she has a good point about what she is yelling about. Contrary to popular advice on the Internet, historically almost all children had to take some amount of abuse from their parents. Sending your mom birthday and holiday wishes can give emotional support to both of you.



CollegeGirlAnon
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23 Jan 2021, 2:31 am

idntonkw wrote:
If you go no contact, your mom will feel anger. Your mom is immature, but she still loves you and you should try to make the best of your family unit. Now you want to plan for your future and have financial security for your family, but you have to make peace with the uncertainty by letting your mom do the irresponsible stuff she does while at the same time trying to make small improvements in her life and help her a little bit. Is there anything she is competent at doing that would help you in your life? In other words, try to use your family for whatever it's strengths are.

I made the mistake by either getting too involved and turning abusive about it, or being too uninvolved and then neglecting myself anyway in every single way. Now not only does my family resent me and I have no friends, but my life is ruined compared to what it could have been.

You need a middle ground between no contact and being too involved with your mom. The emotional immaturity and lies will mess with your head. Help when you can, and try not to fight with her. What does she yell at you about? Perhaps she has a good point about what she is yelling about. Contrary to popular advice on the Internet, historically almost all children had to take some amount of abuse from their parents. Sending your mom birthday and holiday wishes can give emotional support to both of you.


I will say I live apart from her.

She does not want me to quit my job and focus on school. However, I had a traumatic event happen (I don't want advice unless you have had someone break into your house when there is a shooting btw, pls). Right now I need to focus on school.

She tries to make me fight f*****g Walmart on their abusive practices. They are not going to change and I don't have the energy for that now. There are other ways I can get out of my apartment that don't involve being having to work somewhere where I have constantly been made to feel unimportant. I don't have time to go into it all.

Other people who have worked at my store and left have advised me to leave. It's a very rough store in a metro area.

I know I will have to be careful with my money however, I also need to have time and space to do what I need to do for my future.

I think she yells bc our situation is crappy. And she wishes she could do something but she can't. I asked her and she said that was the case btw.

I don't mix finances with her in any significant way (I am exploring options that will allow me to have and manage my own money, disability). Nor would I likely live with her again. That's not going to happen. She can do what she wants with her life tho. I can't stop that.

The way I look at it is, I can get another job after COVID ends. I am burnt out and need to heal.


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CollegeGirlAnon
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23 Jan 2021, 2:47 am

My Mom has also never dealt with her trauma and stuff.

Also the day I went back to work...I had moments where I felt outside of my body. And the noises and people being so close made me scared. I know there is no reason to be scared, but after a shooting and a break in hyper vigilance is normal.

I need to be in a environment where I am not exposed to too many triggers at once.

Also, the face that you say abuse is normal makes me weary of your advice. What do you mean by that?

And what do you mean you were abusive to your family?


_________________
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TriPM Score (Taken 05/22/2021):
103 out of 174 points (99th percentile)

ADHD & ASD diagnosis made in childhood.


magz
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23 Jan 2021, 4:00 am

I might come back and read all your posts more carefully later - I'm busy now - but I've dealt with a bit similar situation, probably milder. My mother is generally a loving, well-meaning person but her own past trauma made her capable of turning horrible, aiming at causing maximum pain, when triggered.
A thing that made real difference for me was learning boundaries. I live for myself not my mother and she lives for herself not me. I take responsibility for what I do and she takes responsibility for what she does. When she's invasive or trying to emotionally terrorize me, it's not me, it's her. It's not my responsibility to try to fill the bottomless emotional hole caused by refusing to face trauma that happened before I was born.

It's not easy to learn when you grew up in a family where thinking and feeling otherwise was the norm. But it's worth the effort. You may or may not help your mother heal but you heal yourself and your relation.

Also, in such situations, the "airplane oxygen mask rule" applies: help yourself first. If you don't, you won't be able to help others.


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CollegeGirlAnon
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23 Jan 2021, 4:18 am

magz wrote:
I might come back and read all your posts more carefully later - I'm busy now - but I've dealt with a bit similar situation, probably milder. My mother is generally a loving, well-meaning person but her own past trauma made her capable of turning horrible, aiming at causing maximum pain, when triggered.
A thing that made real difference for me was learning boundaries. I live for myself not my mother and she lives for herself not me. I take responsibility for what I do and she takes responsibility for what she does. When she's invasive or trying to emotionally terrorize me, it's not me, it's her. It's not my responsibility to try to fill the bottomless emotional hole caused by refusing to face trauma that happened before I was born.

It's not easy to learn when you grew up in a family where thinking and feeling otherwise was the norm. But it's worth the effort. You may or may not help your mother heal but you heal yourself and your relation.

Also, in such situations, the "airplane oxygen mask rule" applies: help yourself first. If you don't, you won't be able to help others.

That’s how I try and approach it.

Thank you!!


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TriPM Score (Taken 05/22/2021):
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idntonkw
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23 Jan 2021, 4:34 am

CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
My Mom has also never dealt with her trauma and stuff.

Also the day I went back to work...I had moments where I felt outside of my body. And the noises and people being so close made me scared. I know there is no reason to be scared, but after a shooting and a break in hyper vigilance is normal.

I need to be in a environment where I am not exposed to too many triggers at once.

Also, the face that you say abuse is normal makes me weary of your advice. What do you mean by that?

And what do you mean you were abusive to your family?


College is the way to a higher income (usually), so if you can go to college, that is probably best. There are questions about how much college costs and what's the likelihood of getting a job afterward - but it's never very predictable, and you have to finish college and then see what happens.

Not having money or rich parents is a huge challenge. I want to caution you as not all answers in life are on the Internet. Is it possible that yo are over-focusing on just one or two issues about your mom? Does she work? In general, it's good to pool resources with your parents.

The Walmart thing - just don't get into fights over anything anywhere. Fighting for something always seems to end me be the loser and resented by people.

As far as noises and lights at the job - if you haven't slept and ate well, the irritation will be worse.

The trauma thing - I did not have any similar events at my house, although I did live in a stressful dingy house and it had a bad effect on me. The house should be relaxing and should make you feel inspired to do things in life. I would say focus on college! Try to live a holistic life - have a plant at home for example, do hobbies, take care of yourself, spread kindness and make the world a better place a little.



CollegeGirlAnon
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23 Jan 2021, 4:43 am

idntonkw wrote:
CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
My Mom has also never dealt with her trauma and stuff.

Also the day I went back to work...I had moments where I felt outside of my body. And the noises and people being so close made me scared. I know there is no reason to be scared, but after a shooting and a break in hyper vigilance is normal.

I need to be in a environment where I am not exposed to too many triggers at once.

Also, the face that you say abuse is normal makes me weary of your advice. What do you mean by that?

And what do you mean you were abusive to your family?


College is the way to a higher income (usually), so if you can go to college, that is probably best. There are questions about how much college costs and what's the likelihood of getting a job afterward - but it's never very predictable, and you have to finish college and then see what happens.

Not having money or rich parents is a huge challenge. I want to caution you as not all answers in life are on the Internet. Is it possible that yo are over-focusing on just one or two issues about your mom? Does she work? In general, it's good to pool resources with your parents.

The Walmart thing - just don't get into fights over anything anywhere. Fighting for something always seems to end me be the loser and resented by people.

As far as noises and lights at the job - if you haven't slept and ate well, the irritation will be worse.

The trauma thing - I did not have any similar events at my house, although I did live in a stressful dingy house and it had a bad effect on me. The house should be relaxing and should make you feel inspired to do things in life. I would say focus on college! Try to live a holistic life - have a plant at home for example, do hobbies, take care of yourself, spread kindness and make the world a better place a little.

Ok, she has in the past literally spent any money she has access to at the casino. And she will beg for money until you give it to her.

It is NOT smart for me to pool any resources with her.

And with all due respect, it’s not one or two issues.

You don’t seem to understand what I have been through, so tbh, thank you for the advice but I can’t say I will take it.

You don’t know the situation and yet you are already saying I am only overfocusing on two issues. I have not said everything and I don’t feel comfortable doing so. But it is more then one or two issues.

Also the oversensitivity to noises...that is a trauma response. In addition to sensory issues.

And you compare living in a messy house to someone busting into your door...yea no.


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TriPM Score (Taken 05/22/2021):
103 out of 174 points (99th percentile)

ADHD & ASD diagnosis made in childhood.


idntonkw
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23 Jan 2021, 5:32 am

CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
My Mom has also never dealt with her trauma and stuff.

Also the day I went back to work...I had moments where I felt outside of my body. And the noises and people being so close made me scared. I know there is no reason to be scared, but after a shooting and a break in hyper vigilance is normal.

I need to be in a environment where I am not exposed to too many triggers at once.

Also, the face that you say abuse is normal makes me weary of your advice. What do you mean by that?

And what do you mean you were abusive to your family?


College is the way to a higher income (usually), so if you can go to college, that is probably best. There are questions about how much college costs and what's the likelihood of getting a job afterward - but it's never very predictable, and you have to finish college and then see what happens.

Not having money or rich parents is a huge challenge. I want to caution you as not all answers in life are on the Internet. Is it possible that yo are over-focusing on just one or two issues about your mom? Does she work? In general, it's good to pool resources with your parents.

The Walmart thing - just don't get into fights over anything anywhere. Fighting for something always seems to end me be the loser and resented by people.

As far as noises and lights at the job - if you haven't slept and ate well, the irritation will be worse.

The trauma thing - I did not have any similar events at my house, although I did live in a stressful dingy house and it had a bad effect on me. The house should be relaxing and should make you feel inspired to do things in life. I would say focus on college! Try to live a holistic life - have a plant at home for example, do hobbies, take care of yourself, spread kindness and make the world a better place a little.

Ok, she has in the past literally spent any money she has access to at the casino. And she will beg for money until you give it to her.

It is NOT smart for me to pool any resources with her.

And with all due respect, it’s not one or two issues.

You don’t seem to understand what I have been through, so tbh, thank you for the advice but I can’t say I will take it.

You don’t know the situation and yet you are already saying I am only overfocusing on two issues. I have not said everything and I don’t feel comfortable doing so. But it is more then one or two issues.

Also the oversensitivity to noises...that is a trauma response. In addition to sensory issues.

And you compare living in a messy house to someone busting into your door...yea no.


Okay, sorry, I must have misunderstood.



Benjamin the Donkey
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26 Jan 2021, 8:31 am

Giving money to someone who has a gambling addiction is no different than giving money to a drug addict. You're just enabling the addiction, as well as hurting yourself. At some point, you just have to say "No" and mean it.


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CollegeGirlAnon
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28 Jan 2021, 12:12 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Giving money to someone who has a gambling addiction is no different than giving money to a drug addict. You're just enabling the addiction, as well as hurting yourself. At some point, you just have to say "No" and mean it.

I am aware of that now.

This was in the past where she had access to my money by being my representative payee for disability.

I eventually ended that and now our finances are separate!!


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magz
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28 Jan 2021, 3:16 am

CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Giving money to someone who has a gambling addiction is no different than giving money to a drug addict. You're just enabling the addiction, as well as hurting yourself. At some point, you just have to say "No" and mean it.

I am aware of that now.

This was in the past where she had access to my money by being my representative payee for disability.

I eventually ended that and now our finances are separate!!

Wise decision.


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cyberdad
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28 Jan 2021, 4:13 am

CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Giving money to someone who has a gambling addiction is no different than giving money to a drug addict. You're just enabling the addiction, as well as hurting yourself. At some point, you just have to say "No" and mean it.

I am aware of that now.

This was in the past where she had access to my money by being my representative payee for disability.

I eventually ended that and now our finances are separate!!


Sorry has your mum been encouraged to seek help for her gambling addiction?
Many people gamble as a way of managing anxiety. As they gamble, people often report being separated from their anxious feelings or projecting their feelings of anxiety onto the excitement they feel when they partake in their gambling activity of choice.

I imagine living under financial stress is one likely source of your mother's anxiety. I also imagine her anger is linked to frustration/anxiety as well. Sorry I am not a psychologist but it makes sense that maintaining a relationship with your mother will require some work on her underlying issues. Don't be afraid to guide her to seek help. You sound like the mature party in this mother-daughter relationship and your mother may potentially be willing to seek rehab if you show her that you are sincerely concerned for her welfare.

Of course you have been a victim of your mother's lack of self-control (on a number of levels) so I can't pretend any of this will be easy and I have never experienced anything of what you have been going through but if you want to maintain a relationship with your mum (and it sounds like you do) then start by understanding what are the triggers for your mother's anxiety.



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28 Jan 2021, 10:21 am

I know it’s Minnesota in the Winter, but are there places and/or days you and your mother could walk? Sometimes to go to a store, sometimes just to see something — I often find walking with someone else a good light social activity.

My Walmart store in Texas had an armed robbery. No one was hurt physically thank goodness.

One of the older ladies working as a cashier was worried about one of the younger employees who probably was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

With this, and even with the Tragedy of El Paso, our store DID NOT go back to what we used to have which was a security service with a person patrolling the parking lot in a pick-up truck, kind of like a shopping mall might have.

One of the new managers tried to give a couple of us the advice of not living in fear. She was sincere, but since the store wasn’t doing the simple things, it fell flat. At least it did for me.

Walmart has cost cutting in its DNA, past all point of reason.



CollegeGirlAnon
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14 Feb 2021, 10:59 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
I know it’s Minnesota in the Winter, but are there places and/or days you and your mother could walk? Sometimes to go to a store, sometimes just to see something — I often find walking with someone else a good light social activity.

My Walmart store in Texas had an armed robbery. No one was hurt physically thank goodness.

One of the older ladies working as a cashier was worried about one of the younger employees who probably was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

With this, and even with the Tragedy of El Paso, our store DID NOT go back to what we used to have which was a security service with a person patrolling the parking lot in a pick-up truck, kind of like a shopping mall might have.

One of the new managers tried to give a couple of us the advice of not living in fear. She was sincere, but since the store wasn’t doing the simple things, it fell flat. At least it did for me.

Walmart has cost cutting in its DNA, past all point of reason.


My Mom and I no longer live together. I am unsure if that was unclear.

Also I used to work at Walmart. I hate that company. I have zero empathy and compassion for it’s management in 95% of cases because they create their own issues.


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TriPM Score (Taken 05/22/2021):
103 out of 174 points (99th percentile)

ADHD & ASD diagnosis made in childhood.


CollegeGirlAnon
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14 Feb 2021, 11:08 pm

cyberdad wrote:
CollegeGirlAnon wrote:
Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Giving money to someone who has a gambling addiction is no different than giving money to a drug addict. You're just enabling the addiction, as well as hurting yourself. At some point, you just have to say "No" and mean it.

I am aware of that now.

This was in the past where she had access to my money by being my representative payee for disability.

I eventually ended that and now our finances are separate!!


Sorry has your mum been encouraged to seek help for her gambling addiction?
Many people gamble as a way of managing anxiety. As they gamble, people often report being separated from their anxious feelings or projecting their feelings of anxiety onto the excitement they feel when they partake in their gambling activity of choice.

I imagine living under financial stress is one likely source of your mother's anxiety. I also imagine her anger is linked to frustration/anxiety as well. Sorry I am not a psychologist but it makes sense that maintaining a relationship with your mother will require some work on her underlying issues. Don't be afraid to guide her to seek help. You sound like the mature party in this mother-daughter relationship and your mother may potentially be willing to seek rehab if you show her that you are sincerely concerned for her welfare.

Of course you have been a victim of your mother's lack of self-control (on a number of levels) so I can't pretend any of this will be easy and I have never experienced anything of what you have been going through but if you want to maintain a relationship with your mum (and it sounds like you do) then start by understanding what are the triggers for your mother's anxiety.


I do understand them to a large extent.

I have tried to have her seek help in the past, she refuses largely.

She did immigrate to the US btw, I was born here. So that could influence it.

Basically, I am dealing with it as best I can.

Being the more mature one throughout my childhood has been taxing.


_________________
Apparently I am an INTJ-A Personality.

TriPM Score (Taken 05/22/2021):
103 out of 174 points (99th percentile)

ADHD & ASD diagnosis made in childhood.