How do you know when it is okay to make an introduction?

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I have tried various times in my life to introduce myself to women. But when and where is appropriate and what do you say to actually make the introduction? So many women have told me it is NOT appropriate to just walk up to them. And I've been scolded and ridiculed for it so many times even though I was always totally polite and nice. I think the women are just being mean and rude and trying to assert power over me. But I have started to feel like it is NEVER appropriate for a guy to EVER say anything to woman he doesn't know under ANY circumstances, or else I will be the most horrible offensive creep ever born or something.

And then if I ever did meet someone and actually get her to give me the time of day and hang out a few times, what if I want to move it further? How in the world does someone tell a woman he wants to have sex with her when it seems almost like asking the woman if I can use her body to commit a violent crime against it. In the United States, sex seems more like a crime than a beautiful intimate experience like I dream of it being. Are there countries in the world where men and women aren't at war with each other?

I've never been at one with the idea of going up to someone attractive to me and asking them out. I feel that it is better to get to know a friend of a friend in a socail situation and see how it goes. If you feel like you are getting along well, then it might be a good idea to ask them on a date.

Although, I'm not having a great deal of success with this method.

I've never been at one with the idea of just walking up to someone I don't know to ask them out either. As an aspie, it has always been very awkward initiating conversations with people I don't know. But I would do it if the women were nice about it and receptive to the idea of being met and giving a guy a chance. The reason I asked the question is because, like you, I have not had much success becoming friends with friends of friends and then trying to figure out if I should ask her out on a date.

There must be things you aren't aware of in the situations you're describing. Were they shopping for personal items? Were you interrupting a conversation? Was she busy using equipment at the gym, with headphones on and not making eye contact with you? Was she out with her boyfriend?

In most situations, a woman won't respond negatively to you simply introducing yourself to her. But you do need to have a basic respect for her as a person and understand the context of the situation.

If there are no extenuating factors like that, I'd say there is something specific about what you are saying or how you are saying it. But that's impossible for me to know, and in order for you to figure out what it is, you probably need to drop the whole "woman never want to be talked to" belief.

It isn't anything like that. I don't interrupt them or anything, and certainly don't try to meet women who are already with men. I think they perceive my timid approach and respond with hostility, just because they can get away with it with me and they enjoy treating men that way. They get really condescending and rude sometimes too, like mean high school girls even though they are long past high school. But if I try to be mister cool like some movie star guy or something it only comes across as totally fake. And the timid approach seems more sincere and polite to me anyway. I'm not a total loser or anything, I'm a nice guy, smart, funny, easy to get along with. They just won't give me a chance, and quite honestly I don't see them giving many men a chance at all.



It has been made clear to me on many occasions that women do indeed just want to be left alone. They have told me that themselves (screamed it at me on a few occasions). If they really do want to be talked to, then why the hostile responses? And a bigger question for me is why is there so much suspicion of males in the US? Why is a guy considered a creep if he just wants to meet a woman? These problems seem more common in western cultures (especially here in the US) than elsewhere. If women do want to be talked to, they should be more receptive to it. Women don't date as much as they would like either, so I don't understand why they are so offended by a polite introduction. In other countries I can simply walk down the street and women will approach me, and I have no problem introducing myself to them there the same way I try to here in the US. It seems to be an American problem and the whole world knows that Americans having dating and relationship problems (whether they have Aspergers or not). But it is not always convenient to leave the country to find someone to date.

Most people don't have this problem. It's not my experience at all that women are waiting for opportunities to emotionally hurt men. Quite the opposite, really. It stands to reason that if they are responding that way to you, it's a result of something you're doing. Whether you want to accept it or not, your belief that women don't want to be talked to is both absurd and toxic. You need to work on that belief if you ever want to have a connection with a woman.

My belief that women don't want to be talked to came directly from them, and not only just one of them. It is their own words. And I have talked to quite a few other guys (mostly NT) who have the same problem. Maybe you are located outside the US?

I am exactly the same person when I leave the US and don't have these problems from non-American women. I don't know what I could possibly "work on" in myself that would change women's behavior. Men always seem to get blamed for women bad behavior somehow. The problem is not with me. I'm as polite and nice as I can be and there is nothing I am hiding or lying about either.

Yes, I live in the US.

If you keep thinking that way, you won't ever have to worry about looking at what you're doing wrong... I guess it's probably easier that way, for some people. I've certainly been prone to that type of thinking at times.

Women don't like this, or they're only after that... So why bother, because nothing I do will matter anyway. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't want to risk failure, you can make yourself believe anything.

I don't know where you got the idea that I have given up and am convincing myself that "nothing I do will matter anyway". That's why I am posting this here, in the hope that maybe some other aspies might have some ideas that have worked for them. But telling me to blame myself for women's hostile behavior to my very polite attempts at meeting them does not sound like good or productive advice. Men are always supposed to internalize women's bad behavior and blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, but I can think of no reason to do that. I have done nothing wrong and committed no crime and am not going to send myself off on some guilt trip over something I am not even guilty of.

Approaching a woman you don't know is a tricky proposition for any man, and especially an aspie. The closest I've come to this approach working for me was seeing a girl in a wheelchair going up a ramp and offering to help her. We got to talking, and I ended up dating her for over a year. It's much, much easier to talk to a girl when you already have some common interest right off the bat, whether you're both in the same church, college class, or you read the same book ('hey, that was a great novel" to the girl looking at the book at Borders). What I suspect with you, China, is that after you talked to a woman, she gave what she obviously thought was a "thanks, but no thanks" signal, either a short, curt, reply to your question or a tone of voice that displayed disinterest, and you completely missed it, forcing her to say outright not to talk to her anymore. Of course, it's hard to say without seeing just HOW you approach women to see what you're doing wrong.

Yes, I know. That could be one thing I am doing wrong, not that I think it is all that "wrong" to approach a woman I don't know, but it seems to be inappropriate in this society. I don't think I missed any "thanks, but no thanks" signals. I am 45 and have become quite good at reading such signals, but some of these women respond with extremely obvious annoyance immediately (I mean the kind of obvious annoyance that even an aspie could not overlook). I think they are just sick of being approached by men. Maybe I've been inadvertently picking the hotter ones who really are sick of it all, but I try not to focus only on the hottest ones for just that reason.

The whole reason I ever wanted to talk to women I don't know is because I'm not in school anymore and almost never meet women at places I work, so there aren't many places left to meet them. I don't have a big enough network of friends who have an endless collection of single women to introduce me to either. Guess I'll have to take some more international vacations. I really have great luck outside the US.

do you walk up to men and introduce yourself?

it seems like the best way to introduce yourself is to get to know people in a safe setting, and introduce yourself after you are talking. so if you join a model railroading club or whatever, you can get talking to someone about their layout. if it feels like both of you are getting along, then you can introduce yourself and talk some more. conversations come first, and introductions afterward.

also, establishing a common connection like a shared hobby in a safe environmant lets the woman (or man, as i think you need to make friends of both genders if you haven't already) become comfortable enough to talk to you.

if i was at the grocery store, for example, and someone walked up and introduced themselves, it would freak me out or i would think the person is selling me something. it is aggressive and too pushy to do it like that. it has nothing to do with me - that is how it feels for most people, which is why you have had 0% success using this technique. if i run away from you, or look at you like you are crazy, or make an excuse and leave... those are NOT examples of my bad behaviour, and it is not mean or rude for me to do this. it also have nothing to do with asserting power.

i won't even addrses the last paragraph of your post, because you clearly do not see that the problem is with your approach, not with the women's reaction, so i don't see how any advice will be taken to heart.

EDIT - the reason you have more success in other countries is because you are a novelty there. the same thing happens when some people from other countries come to Canada. some women respond to that. if it works for you, then by all means travel more often and bring home a wife.

I can start a conversation with men quite easily. Sometimes I go out for a drink and have no problem starting a conversation with a guy I have never met before. Sometimes we talk for hours.



Joining a club has been suggested to me before, but there just are no clubs I want to join that I can think of, and I don't have that much time to spend on something like that. Besides, I would feel even more weird if I joined a club just to meet women, almost like a stalker or something. I do know that for some reason women like to be in a "safe" environment and talk to the person before dating them. I do too in fact and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough with a woman to date her. But at least I am willing to start some conversation and see where it leads.



I never do it at the supermarket. On the bus maybe. At a bar maybe, but not often in bars. Walking in the park. At a musical event perhaps. I don't have a list of places, but those are some examples.



Well, if you saw the way a few of them have responded, I think you would agree that their reactions are indeed very hostile and inappropriate. Some of them are not polite rejections at all, but major hostility being expressed. I don't mind rejection, but I can't deal with the hostility.

All I say is Hello or start a light conversation about something. Maybe make a joke about something we both witnessed or find some context that we can both relate to at the moment to talk to them. If there is no context, I don't say anything at all. It's as simple as that really. I've explained everything I do when I make these attempts. So what is it that makes a few of you so sure that it is my approach that causes these reactions. I'm not rude and I have a great sense of humor. And I will admit that they are not all completely hostile, but some of them are absolutely irate, and it isn't because of anything I did or said. The only thing about my approach that I can honestly think of is that might be the problem is the fact that I am approaching them at all. I do think quite a few women hate to be talked to at all unless it is by someone who they already know. It is sad really. What happened to our culture? This does not seem like natural or healthy male/female relations to me. It is easier for me to meet women in places where I don't exactly understand the culture or speak the language very well. That is sad and seems like a cultural problem to me.

I do continue to travel, but I only meet women every few years that way because I don't travel that much. It leaves me lonely most of the time.

Ironically, the best response I have ever gotten from a woman was when I was at a music festival in California 10 years ago. This girl walked by me so I said Hi and started talking to her. Can't even remember what I said, but I was surprised that she was so welcoming to it. She and I are great friends but never dated. She is Panamanian and I think that if we lived in the same country, we would have been dating a long time ago. She has had several long term relationships during the time that I have had one short one (in Thailand).

yes. i have explained that it makes women uncomfortable.


no, it's a safety issue, not a cultural issue. many women do not feel safe when a strange man approaches them. this is not going to change just because it is unpalatable to you, so i suggest you change your approach.

it has nothing to do with wanting power over men, by the way. many women have unfortunately been physically or sexually victimized by men at some point in their past, and the ones who have not been personally victimized are still warned to be wary. men do not usually have this fear of other men. it is a good idea to be careful, and i would recommend that other women do the same.

it is no weirder to join a club to meet people than it is to just walk up to them to meet them. it isn't just "for some reason" that women like to be in a safe environment to meet men - there are very good and obvious reasons for it.

if you do not have time for a club, then it may be worth considering that you do not have time to date and get to know a woman. you do have some interests, which you have mentioned here. there is a club for everything, and there are many websites designed around helping people meet like-minded individuals. even a church, spiritual group, or sports league (i.e. billiards or bowling) could give you a place to meet people.

also, i would s**t my pants if a strange man talked to me in a park. it's a prime place for women to be raped or kidnapped. on the bus is awkward as she cannot get away from you if she wants you to leave her alone - she probably feels a little trapped. there is a good video on VideoJug somewhere that explains how to talk to a girl on public transit, but personally it would not work with me.

bars make sense to talk to people. but again, don't start off with your name. start off with some conversation.

i haven't ever seen a woman respond in that way... except in high school or if someone was clearly harassing them. can you maybe have a friend come along and observe you tell you what is setting these women off that degree, or whether you are choosing women who are going to get upset for some reason? if it happened once or twice, i would say the women are just b*****s or whatever, but if it is happening often, or on a regular basis, then there must be something within the context of the interactions that is creating a hostile environment.