Isn't it impossible to make friends without being fake?

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Just wondering.

When I'm alone for any significant length of time, I pine for company and social activity. Loneliness sucks any joy in life that there might be for me right out; I can't remember the last time I was so passionate about something that, if I could focus on it, I wouldn't mind being alone. It's depressing. The isolation exhausts me during the day and keeps me up at night (or, if not the loneliness, then the existential dread that comes with it).

Here is the paradox or the inherent contradiction or whatever: I hate socializing. Here is why.

- I can't relate to anyone. Not even people on the spectrum, honestly.
- Even when I find common ground with another person, and even when I'm given the opportunity to communicate, I just completely lose the will to do so.
- Small talk kills me. I'm not really a self-absorbed person, but if I have to pretend to care about what you're saying, then I feel dishonest and fake, which stresses me out.
- I also can't have any oral discussions of any significant depth; it just overwhelms me. I'm a pretty deep thinker, but it only shows up in my writing. In retrospect, I think this is also why I never got anywhere with my last shrink.
- I feel like I'm constantly on the defensive. Whenever people are nice to me at school, I ruminate over the ulterior motives they might have for talking to me--are they looking down on me, or are they making fun of me, or is there something they want from me? So I speak briefly, in monotone, with no emotion, in order to avoid exposing myself, which pushes people away by showing them I don't want to talk. It's not like I can stop doing this, either; it's not a conscious decision for me.
- It just takes so much energy for me to speak.

Does that make sense? Being alone is depressing to me. Being with other people makes me anxious--because I just don't operate in social environments comfortably, although I wish I could--and depressed because I always fail. Plus, I always feel like I'm in an unwinnable battle with my own nature by struggling with this. Was I born to be unhappy?

I'm kind of the same. The only people I really chat to are my boyfriend or my mum.

The rest of the time, I hang around here.

It makes perfect sense. Trying to be social and "normal" in social situations leaves me simply exhausted. And sometimes social situations lead to freakouts!

But being alone is almost worse.

Before i got diagnosed with AS, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression.

I'm sorry, I don't have answers. But I want you to know you're not alone. Everything you said rings 100% true with me.

My weird sense of humor has attracted people before. When I am acting "fake" I over compensate becoming a total snarky douche bag. Sort of like the big brother Chet from Weird Science. So I guess it is better for me to stay weird.

I don't know if fake is the word, but when making friends you do tend to try to impress people (not you you, I mean anyone), and keep your more annoying habits hidden so you're a "better" version of yourself. Obviously as the friendship progresses the other sides to eachother's personalities start to show, but good friendships stand the test of time.

No, it's not impossible.

I find it hard to be fake.
Which is why I only have 2 friends.
But it's possible to make friends by being yourself.

Generally it's tough. My experience is that there are some people you meet who are just extraordinarily nice, caring people. They will see beyond your difficulties with socializing and see you for the good and decent person you are. They won't mind if you say a little less, they will just like you for who you are. There are some people, non-aspies, who you watch them walk into a social situation and they are talking the other person up in seconds. They have a lot of friends. I am an aspie and I am not one of those people. I have individual friends and I have a group of friends that I trust completely and they accept me for who I am and I look forward tot seeing them. I can't escape social situations with new people, and the first time I meet them I just accept that they'll catch on to me eventually and alot of times blow me off, and yeah it hurts. I like my core group of friends I spent time with some of them yesterday evening and that brings me happiness in and of itself. I belong to a fraternal charitable group, it was tough to hang in and meet people the first several months. I've been in like 6 years now, and I'm happy. I think I would have bolted early if it weren't for the support of my wife. I think it helped that there were activities to do, work to be done and it helped me to stay busy as nervous as I was. Social groups are like the first minute in a swimming pool- they chill you hard and then they warm up. I wish it was easy for you, but hang in there, you'll find good people.

Depends on the situation. My normal demeanor tends to make people think I'm angry/rude. Neither of which I'd find a personal trait... well, maybe the rude part - but it comes with the territory, so making friends is quite difficult without making an attempt to smile and show forced personality.

I think there are ways you can even the odds and make friendships that are closer to your terms and way of operating.

It's the context and the location in which you are meeting people and in what circumstances. And the kind of people you are choosing to associate with at any given moment. Theres a big difference between a school environment of many people thrown together compared to a mutually shared interest group or a pursued activity.

The world is full of all sorts of people don't typecast the tiny % of the world you've met and think all of the human species is like that. I'm an awkward sod who's difficult to keep in touch with at best and even I have friends who've stayed in touch with me for years and know what kind of anti social hermit I can be at times.

This. It's actually the easiest and fastest way, really, although it might not seem like it. I formed bonds with all of my friends purely by being myself, and letting it go from there; not trying to be anything I wasn't or say anything I didn't mean.

I agree with those sentiments. It's also a suprsingly good way of filtering out BS'ers

Being someone who is direct, open and honest is actually something that conveys you across in a positive light. Even if in the short term it perhaps is to your detrement. That kind of approach can be both something that brings people to you and pushes others away. Like I said, it act's as a filter to some degree.

Its technically possible but very hard. If your soley focused on making true friends then you will make the very few of them out there by being yourself. But that wont happen very often. Id say start out by bringing out the positive aspects of yourself and doing things that people would like. As you get to know them, slowly start to show yourself. If they dont like it or if you feel really uncomfortable with being yourself with them, the friendship isnt worth it or keep them at a distance. Its not fun to be in a friendship where your constantly having to put on an untrue persona.

having been with my one religious community center very long; I have taken care of many younger kids who are still around but older now and I know ,without a doubt, are my friends.

My closest friend is someone more impassioned about video-games than me; to the level he can embarrass me sometimes.

Most of my college friends, I just had to hang-around long enough till they profiled me themselves in my small-dosages of talking. Worked out fine; I don't hang-out with them outside of the game-room because it would freak me out. But they are in the game room longer than they hang-out outside anyways; so I am with them more than enough.