Dealing With a Nasty Brother in-law

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I have to attend the day after Thanksgiving with my husband's family; unfortunately, my brother in-law is going to be there, and he hates me.

Before you ask why he hates me, I have no idea. He has taken every opportunity to belittle, make fun, tease, or alienate me. You name it, he's done it. He's made fun of the way I talk, patronized me (for the record, he has a GED because he couldn't pass the 10th grade while I'm going to school to earn my bachelors degree), even pointed out the fact that I can't pour the exact amount of wine every time despite my background in culinary. It doesn't help that nobody's ever told him how much of a jerk he is.

In August, his statements took the cake. He's found religion, a dangerous thing in the wrong hands, and has decided all atheists are evil and children of atheists will end up committing school shootings. When my husband tried to point out that his statements were bigoted and ignorant, considering the majority of people who commit crimes are very religious, my brother in-law said they weren't true Christians and were probably atheists in all but name. As an atheist, I took offense to this, and as a trans person, he of all people should know not to be a bigot.

Friday will be the first time I've seen him since I cut off contact. I'm going to bring a paper I need to turn in on Tuesday in order to work on something and shut the rest of the world out, but I'm a bit nervous that he's going to say something. I've already been told by my husband that if he starts to say things to alienate or bully me that I should not be afraid to be just as mean, but I don't want to ruin everyone else's holiday or dinner. What should I do?

Make fun of his religious views. Considering that he seems to be committed, he will be deeply offended if you successfully refute his views with science and mock him when he cannot make a comeback. Personally I don't mind if someone is a religious, but if someone is a bully and religious, it's a good opportunity to put your hooks in.

Bullies often try to get you to heat up and then blame you for misbehaving, but it can usually be countered by remaining firm and calm and then they will be on defensive. If they get heated up instead, you can patronize them by telling him to relax and calm down.

I don't know about the ruining part though, if everyone knows that he is a douche then they will probably blame him.

You wouldn't be the one ruining peoples dinner by being mean back...you don't have to yell or make a scene or anything that would potentially upset everyone, just like for instance don't pour his wine for him if he's going to criticize how you pour it, or you could say 'fine, how about you pour it' and walk away. But obviously he is not willing to show you any respect so no reason to go out of your way to be polite. Perhaps your husband can help back you up to...does sound like a kind of unpleasant situation though.

It is best to do nothing. If you have to, be short and direct. Don't be mean. Don't be nice either. If he tries to talk to you, give him an answer that will end the conversation if you can. Tell him you don't know, and have him talk to your husband about it. I have to deal with MANY people like that in my family, and I would do things different, but I have had ALOT of practice. Your husband is a good buffer I hope. Put him in the middle. Tell him you need a buffer.

Hope this helps.

The guy sounds like a real ass.

Don't confront him, don't react to him at all. Sounds like he's a drama queen and just looking for attention. (That wasn't a trans slur.)

Honestly, there's no way to win. I'm curious as to why you have resumed contact. Avoidance is probably the best strategy.

You do NOT want to trigger a male that has nothing to lose. DO NOT trigger him, people cling to religion because they have little else to hold on to, the last thing anyone should do is try to belittle, or take that away from him, a male with nothing to lose is extremely dangerous. Considering he's already abusive towards the OP, it will be very easy to trigger him.

How did it go on Friday? I would like to know because he sounds like a true definition of a bully. For future references I would build up a buddy system where not only you and but others as well stand up to him.

You could say "He brother in law, listen I know you probably think you are helping but your words hurts and I think you should stop putting me down." Then let others who know your in-law's quirks to give their input too. He needs to learn respect and you deserve.

Just because you're in laws does not mean you have to take crap from other people.

It actually went pretty well. I brought my laptop with so I could work on a term paper before dinner as well as my dog to help me relax enough to just be.

We really didn't talk much, and I played with his two year old daughter and watched her carefully when she played with my dog. He's a shih tzu, and he has barked when people get in his face.

It was actually my father in-law's meltdown and my mother in-law catalyzing his meltdown that caused the night to end on a sour note after my brother in-law left. I think he and his wife saw what was coming and that the kid was getting tired from all the excitement and they cut out shortly before my father in-law returned from taking their dogs to the park.