Ways of dealing with self steem issues?

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spongy
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05 Nov 2011, 5:59 pm

So the other day I had the great idea of questioning someone´s intentions surrounding their interactions with me and their reply was that if I couldnt just understand that some people agree with me, like having me around... without hidden intents then I must had an awful self-stem.

At first I thought she was wrong but then I begun to reread a post I made a while ago elsewhere about how you need to be confident with your own skin before entering a relationship otherwise you are going to start questioning the other person´s motives for liking you and that usually ends up in a nasty breakup. And I begun to think that she may be right.

I dont have image issues per say(I think)but the sentence above could be applied to people with extremely low self-stem. I have had two close friendships this past year and in both of them I openly questioned them about their motives for wanting to be around them(told them there was no need to pretend to be overly nice to each other...) with awful results(as you may understand).

So I would like to know if theres any kind of reading material/activity/something that could be helpfull on this area?, you know to avoid any future similar situations with a suitable person(dont want to scare them away by questioning their motives...).


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hale_bopp
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05 Nov 2011, 7:55 pm

I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.

Its still hard, too.



MR20
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05 Nov 2011, 8:11 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.

Its still hard, too.


This is completely off topic, but how long are you going to torture us with your avatar.



bucephalus
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05 Nov 2011, 8:28 pm

I know exactly where you're coming from Spongy. it's best to keep positive and try to resist thinking that way wherever possible. when someone can't accept the idea of being liked and begins to question the motives then they're kind of staring the answer in the face - they're so likeable because they are humble enough to question it


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Tequila
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05 Nov 2011, 8:30 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.


From what little I know of you, this doesn't apply. You seem perfect as you are. :)



MR20
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05 Nov 2011, 8:41 pm

I've been having this problem since I was a tween and in my case, it's true. No one likes or respects me for just me. In the past, people only hung out with me if had something they wanted. They pretty much said and treated me as much.



hale_bopp
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06 Nov 2011, 1:03 am

MR20 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.

Its still hard, too.


This is completely off topic, but how long are you going to torture us with your avatar.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Tequila wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.


From what little I know of you, this doesn't apply. You seem perfect as you are. :)


Thanks but I'm very flawed. I just try not to present it to much to others. :p



anna-banana
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06 Nov 2011, 5:58 am

MR20 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
I've found the only thing that helps is improving yourself.

Its still hard, too.


This is completely off topic, but how long are you going to torture us with your avatar.


:thumleft: agreed!

I have a similar problem as the OP, actually I've only realised this a while ago and if someone ever told me that I might have esteem issues I would've laughed them off. I seem perfectly confident to myself and know I'm capable in many areas, but when if comes down to romantic stuff my first thought is always some variation on "what the heck is wrong with them that they're interested in someone like me?!". I've never put myself on a "dating scene" of any kind and never gave it a second thought as to why, just didn't feel like I had the right to if I wasn't "representing".

dunno what to do about that either, maybe some kind of therapy?


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hyperlexian
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07 Nov 2011, 11:31 am

anna-banana wrote:
I have a similar problem as the OP, actually I've only realised this a while ago and if someone ever told me that I might have esteem issues I would've laughed them off. I seem perfectly confident to myself and know I'm capable in many areas, but when if comes down to romantic stuff my first thought is always some variation on "what the heck is wrong with them that they're interested in someone like me?!". I've never put myself on a "dating scene" of any kind and never gave it a second thought as to why, just didn't feel like I had the right to if I wasn't "representing".

dunno what to do about that either, maybe some kind of therapy?

when i was younger i felt like you described. anyone that was interested in me was sort of inferior in my mind - and i idealised people who i was attracted to, but who didn't return my feelings. i had to eventually shift my thinking and consider myself worthy, but it did take a lot of time and effort. honestly i am not even sure of everything i did to change my perspective, but talk therapy has definitely been a factor.


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mv
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07 Nov 2011, 11:46 am

spongy, I think there's a big difference between low self-esteem and the kind of "self" problems some autistics have. For me, I have a difficulty defining my "self" - it relates to theory of mind (you should see the blockbuster education Hero is laying down in the "Narcissists Are Attractive" thread - it's right on). For years people (therapists, friends, relatives) told me I had low self-esteem but I always knew that wasn't quite right. I always liked myself fine, thought I had "value" and "merit" as much as anyone else, but that none of us are truly valuable only as seen through the eyes of others (which is what NT behavior looks like, to me). Rather, I had a difficult time defining my "self" and thus could not put a quantifiable value on it. And really, why would I? It seems phony, at best, and delusional, at worst.

More than anything, this is the problem for some autistics: we cannot believe in relative worth or the measures that create it. This is always going to fly in the face of trying to form relationships, which are always tangible manifestations of relative worth.

How to combat this? Recognition. I will never be able to be diagnosed as autistic by a doctor, but I don't care. This context, all the reading that's available to me, has given me peace of mind now, in my middle age. I will probably never have traditional ambition because I just cannot recognize this kind of relative worth, but understanding that is huge, for me.

Hope this is a helpful perspective! I may think on this and reorganize my thoughts, but this is the gist of it. Again, look at Hero's writings in that other thread.



spongy
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07 Nov 2011, 5:55 pm

Well thank you all for your helpfull replies(glad we could sort the whole hale_bopp avatar thing) and I´ll definately look into the suggestions youve made as soon as I the time(just arrived from my sisters birthday party wouldnt be able to proccess much from reading the narcissist thread...).


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Wolfheart
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07 Nov 2011, 6:24 pm

spongy wrote:
So I would like to know if theres any kind of reading material/activity/something that could be helpfull on this area?, you know to avoid any future similar situations with a suitable person(dont want to scare them away by questioning their motives...).


I'd say that improving yourself does help but mainly it's your mindset that is important, how you perceive thoughts and allow them to have a direct effect on your well being and sense of self. I'd say you'd benefit lots from studying Cognitive behavioral therapy and how you react to thoughts of insecurity and negativity, you need to start to rationalize and focus on filtering out the negative so you can focus more on your positive traits and strengthen them.

A great book to read for starters is "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies".



chrissyrun
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08 Nov 2011, 12:02 am

I use sports, talents, intelligence, and kindness (things that can be measured basically).....but APPARENTLY I'm supposed to like myself just for who I am and that's why my boyfriend went to just friends/significant other's with me. :cry: (and not being able to handle stress)


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hyperlexian
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08 Nov 2011, 5:36 pm

http://therapyworksheets.blogspot.com/2 ... steem.html

I FORGOT!! ! you asked for books. this is a heavy-duty book of awesomeness that has been recommended to me by more than one therapist. i have used a couple of the worksheets from this book and they massively helped me to change my thinking patterns (though i didn't read the whole book yet).


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MXH
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08 Nov 2011, 6:09 pm

Many self issues here, but i dont think i can find a way to trick myself to think im any good