Joanne Houldsworth is a new columnist for WrongPlanet.net. She covers autism through the perspective of a mother of a young son with Aspergers Syndrome. She writes a weekly blog, entitled Aspergers: A Mom’s Eye View, where this article was originally posted.

I am the mother of three great kids, aged 7-12, who are mostly the joys of my life and sometimes the bane of my existence! My now 10 year old son, Gregory, was finally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when he was 8. He is bright, talented and funny, but he has significant challenges as well. My articles deal with how this neurological disorder has impacted him, me, and our entire family and the techniques we’ve used to help.

I have no particular background in this field, other than a passion for my son. Over the past two years I have become an ‘accidental expert’ out of necessity. I am ’that mother’ who is reading, taking classes, attending seminars and learning as much as possible about autism, in all its forms and symptoms, and various therapies. My primary goal has been to help my son overcome (and/or cope with) his challenges and reach his full potential for a happy, enriching life.

I’ll start by saying that I’m no expert on autism and that there are some really great resources out there – on the internet, in book stores, at seminars and colleges, etc. with insights and knowledge provided by experienced and credentialed professionals and documented studies. With 20-20 hindsight, I wish that I had known to investigate these sources a whole lot earlier in my son’s life. It would have saved us thousands of dollars, multitudes of questions, years of anguish…

In any case, I didn’t know any better, so when my previously loving 2-year-old son Gregory started ‘rejecting’ me and waking up screaming in terror/anger/frustration in the middle of the night, I was lost for an explanation. I tried to reach him, to calm him, but he shut me out; he wouldn’t let me touch him. I did what my mother-instinct told me to do…Night after night, I grabbed hold of him and held him firmly against me (fighting, screaming and kicking the whole time), talking quietly into his ear until eventually he ran out of steam and quieted. Of course, Greg couldn’t tell me what was wrong, and even when he eventually lay his tear-stained face back down on his pillow, he wouldn’t acknowledge me.

I cried myself to sleep too…my poor baby. We had never experienced anything like this with his older brother, Daniel. What was so wrong? What could I do for him? Why was he in so much pain?

Having just given birth to our third child, our lovely girl Sarah, I suspected that Gregory might be reacting to her arrival with jealousy. Perhaps he felt replaced or betrayed by my attention to this new loud, smelly ‘thing’. But if so, what could I do about it? So I started reading books about sibling rivalry.

First, we tried to make sure that Greg received lots of one-on-one attention – from both his parents. Then, I tried talking to him about the problem and trying to give him names for the feelings that he was experiencing – encouraging him to express himself. But he still wouldn’t or couldn’t say. Then, we tried to involve him in helping us care for his new baby sister, but he had absolutely no interest. To him, she didn’t exist: when he drew pictures of his family, it was always just Mom, Dad, Daniel and Gregory – no Sarah! When someone talked to him about Baby Sarah, he just turned and walked away.

And Greg became increasingly solitary, smiling rarely, interacting less. His body-language changed, to where he appeared very tense, with his shoulders hiked up to his earlobes, poised on his tip-toes, with his hands clenched tightly. If someone or thing surprised him (even with a slight touch on the shoulder), he reacted aggressively, as if trying to protect himself from attack. And that is indeed, how he appeared – as if he was about to be accosted at any time – always on high alert. It saddened me to see my little boy so tense and nervous, unable to relax – even in his sleep.

When those efforts proved ineffective, I spoke with the pediatrician. Now, don’t get me wrong, we LOVE our pediatrician, and one of the reasons for this is that he doesn’t over-react to nervous mother worries. So when I explained my concerns, the doctor reviewed Greg’s growth (which was off the charts in both height and weight ever since birth), performed the usual physical and developmental assessments and determined that it was ‘just a phase’ – “He’s doing fine.” I tried to be reassured by this knowledgeable professional’s words, but my instincts told me it was more than ‘just a phase’.

So, life went on, but Gregory was not ‘just fine’. We continued to struggle with our quirky boy, trying to mold his good behaviors and discipline his bad ones. I attempted play dates, in the vain hopes of helping him develop friendships. I signed him up for activities, hoping that Greg would ‘find himself’. I took him to a pediatric neurologist and was told, “No, he doesn’t have autism – He makes good eye contact. He has Tourette’s Syndrome.” We even had him wear orthotic boots to bed at night for two years, on the recommendation of an orthopedic physician, to cure the presumed tight tendons that were causing him to toe-walk years past the toddler stage. While all well-intentioned, none of it worked. Gregory continued to be an unhappy, tense, withdrawn boy.

Once Greg hit Kindergarten, all hell broke loose. Our older son, Daniel, had transitioned well into elementary school. And the PreK teachers had said that Gregory was ready for Kindergarten, so we were totally blind-sided when things went so wrong right from the start. On the second day of Kindergarten, I received a phone call from the teacher that Greg had been sent to the principal….WHAT???? I had NEVER been sent to the principal in my entire life! My little guy didn’t even know that being sent to the principal was a bad thing! What was going on??? Unfortunately, it went downhill from there…

In hindsight, it was not just Gregory’s behaviors that were at fault. The teacher didn’t handle things as well as she might have either, and being the professional, I believe the greater responsibility lay with her. In any case, the two of them did not mesh well at all, and it became a very rocky relationship, to the point where Greg didn’t want to go to school anymore. His verbal and motor tics increased dramatically in response to the stress. He felt his teacher’s disapproval, our disappointment, and his own frustration at being unable to do things ‘right’. It was a daily struggle, with weekly meetings, and ‘talks’ with Gregory. Luckily for him, his teacher went out on maternity leave in January and he and the new teacher got along much better. I don’t know what specifically changed, but the new, young teacher must have just ‘got’ Greg and accepted him in all his quirky behaviors. He still had melt-downs at school from time to time, but overall, he did much better and we were relieved that he might be moving out of that ‘stage’.

First and Second grades progressed slightly better, primarily because the teachers were wonderfully accepting of Gregory’s odd behaviors and needs. The first half of each school year was fraught with melt-downs and running-away episodes, but by January, Greg would settle in and be more comfortable for the rest of the school year. And we would think, yeah! He might be moving out of that ‘stage’… until the next school year began and the cycle repeated itself.

In Third Grade, the year started off with the usual poor transition, with melt-down episodes of hiding under desks, running away from school, tearing up school work, and disappearing into stairwells. Gregory was a desperately unhappy child, saying that “No one understands me.” And “I’m not like other kids.” His tics were rampant, he was barely sleeping at night and he was always by himself. I knew that something had to be done, but still didn’t know in which direction to turn. This time, I made an appointment with the Head of Pediatric Development at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital…I couldn’t get the appointment for another 6 months, but I needed to do something and didn’t know where else to go.

And then, the ‘Date Night Epiphany’ happened. For a number of years, my husband and I would schedule Date Nights every few weeks, for just the two of us to go out together and talk. (This has served us well throughout the years – I highly recommend it!) In any case, that particular night, Barry had to take a lengthy phone call from his boss in the middle of our Date Night, just as we were finishing dinner. Knowing how much I love book stores, he knew that I could happily browse for hours and therefore not get annoyed by the interrupted Date Night, freeing him to take the call without guilt.

So, to Barnes and Noble we went, where I was drawn to the section on Mental Health, still trying to put my finger on Gregory’s strange set of issues. Bi-Polar – no; ADHD – no; Oppositional-Defiant Disorder – no. And then the epiphany: I picked up the next book on the shelf – Tony Attwood’s The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. Although I had a vague notion of what autism was, I had only heard the term Asperger’s Syndrome a few times and had no clue what it was. So I turned to the page listing AS symptoms – and there he was, in all his quirky glory!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes…out of the 20 symptoms listed, Gregory matched up with almost all of them. I was overjoyed – not that he had AS, but that now I had a direction to go….understanding and hopefully treatment was finally on its way! I grabbed every book I could find on the subject and virtually ran to find Barry (having just completed his phone call, luckily) to present him with the joyous news! Our son has Aspergers!!!

All that Friday night and the rest of the weekend, I read…and read….and read. Light bulbs were going off in my head constantly as Gregory’s behaviors started to fall into place and make sense. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him – for the first time with an understanding of all that he had been struggling with. My brave boy had tackled so much on his own, trying his best to cope in his own way, to circumstances and situations that were so difficult for him…Sometimes sadly, even when the well-meaning actions of his parents and teachers exacerbated the problems for him.

But now, things would be different. I knew what we were dealing with and I was ready to educate myself about my ‘opponent’. I still went ahead and eventually visited with a Pediatric Neurologist for an official, unbiased medical diagnosis, but I was already convinced that this was it. Time to strap on the armor…. Look out world – I’m a Mama with a Mission!

The post Date Night Diagnosis – Asperger Mom appeared first on Wrong Planet.

If You Could Say it in Words is a great new film about an autistic protagonist Nelson and his experience with love. The film is premiering at the Derby City Film Festival on October 8, 2008 at 9:00 PM. I wrote about my initial impressions of the movie and conducted an interview in February. You will also find clips from the movie in my previous article.

The film explores Nelson’s Asperger’s Syndrome without mentioning the diagnosis. The choice is intentional because many individuals with Asperger’s remain undiagnosed. A recent documentary, Billy the Kid, similarly did not mention the protagonist’s Asperger diagnosis, but If You Could Say it in Words is the first narrative feature film I’ve come across that explores Autism in such depth without hitting the audience over the head over and over again with the fact that it’s about autism. Additionally, the film appeals to an audience greater than the autistic community because the questions it raises about love apply to autistics and neurotpyicals alike.

Alvin’s performance as Nelson is quite possibly the most authentic portrayal of an autistic person that I’ve ever seen in the movies. Unlike the usual stereotypically overblown representation of autism so common in the media, Nelson’s character more closely resembles someone you could know in real life. Nelson doesn’t count cards at the casino and faces the same realationship problems that many of us have had. And it’s quite likely that at least a couple people you know do have an undiagnosed case of autism. Autism occurs in 1 in 150 people and many more go undiagnosed. Despite what you may gather from the media, the stereotypical image of a child who cannot talk is an extreme and, like Nelson, many autistic individuals go through life without ever discovering that they are autistic.

It’s refreshing to finally see a film that explores an autistic individual who isn’t two dimensional. You’ll find you have more similarities with Nelson than differences. And that’s the way you should feel about a movie’s protagonist because the best movies are the ones with which we can all relate.

Deliberate audio and visual choices emphasize the disconnect between Nelson and everyone else. The disorientating atmosphere created at times by the film in reference to Nelson reminds me of what it’s like to get a sensory overload. Thus, If You Could Say it in Words proves that it is possible to make a movie about an autistic person without stereotypically relying on the character melting down every other scene.

I plan on attending the premiere in October and suggest you do the same. The director, Nicholas Gray has become an ally to the autistic community since he began working on this film.

For more information, here’s the press release:

World Premiere of “If You Could Say It In Words” at Derby City Film Festival; Will Open Festival as First Feature Film

WHAT: World Premiere of “If You Could Say It In Words” at the Derby City Film Festival

WHO:  Writer/director and Louisville native Nicholas Gray
Actor Alvin Keith (Broadway and regional theater veteran), Marin Ireland (Obie-award winner, major roles in upcoming films The Understudy, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men)
Co-producers Katharine Clark Gray and Adam Eisenstein

WHEN:  October 8, 2008 at 9:00 PM
 
WHERE:  Louisville Memorial Auditorium
                970 South Fourth Street
                Louisville, KY 40203
 
CONTACT: Adam Eisenstein, 646-221-2254

LOUISVILLE, [date of release] – If You Could Say It In Words, a film written and directed by Louisville native Nicholas Gray, will have its world premiere on October 8 at 9:00 p.m. on the opening night of the Derby City Film Festival at the Louisville Memorial Auditorium.

If You Could Say It In Words is a nuanced, uncompromising look at a romance in which a painter with undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome challenges a young woman’s conventional ideas and his own understanding of love.

Nelson (Alvin Keith) has Asperger’s syndrome, a condition that impairs social function.  Undiagnosed, poor, African-American, and a painter, he is pushed to society’s fringes.  He meets Sadie (Marin Ireland), a young woman with broken dreams who now treads water at a job that’s not her career, has a roommate who’s not her friend, and sleeps with her married boss, Mark (Gerry Lehane). A one-night stand grows into an unlikely romance wherein two people lost in different ways begin to find themselves through each other. But the conventional expectations imposed by others — and by Sadie — put their relationship in jeopardy.
 
Alex Plank, founder of autism advocacy website WrongPlanet.net, says “Alvin [Keith]‘s performance as Nelson is quite possibly the most authentic portrayal of an autistic person that I’ve ever seen in the movies…It’s refreshing to finally see a film that explores an autistic individual who isn’t two dimensional.”

If You Could Say It In Words is the first feature film produced by A Chip & A Chair Films LLC, whose mission is to support the unflinching vision of film and theater artists. The company raised money for If You Could Say It In Words through an innovatively democratic funding structure — selling shares in the film to individual investors at $225 apiece. They raised enough money initially to shoot only less than half of the film; so they shot a selection of scenes, edited, and then used the material to promote the film to investors, eventually garnering enough shareholders to complete the shooting and post-production of the film over the course of several years.

Nicholas Gray, Alvin Keith, and co-producers Katharine Clark Gray and Adam Eisenstein will be available for in-person interviews October 6-11 in Louisville. Phone interviews or a full press packet with photos from the film as well as further information about all cast and crew are available upon request.

Writer/director Nicholas Gray was born in Louisville, Kentucky and grew up all across the state (Lexington, Lebanon, Campbellsville, and Louisville). He graduated from Ballard High School and first studied acting with Walden Theater Conservatory. Virtually Nicholas’ entire family is in or from the state, with ties going back to the time before Kentucky formally joined the U.S. Nicholas currently plans to return to Louisville this winter as director and co-producer on a series of awareness videos for the Autism Self-Advocacy Network. As part of the series, he will be profiling the teacher whose remarkable relationship with his autistic children first inspired Nicholas to write a script with an autistic lead role.

The film was shot by cinematographer Richard Sands, noted for his lighting direction of films by Francis Ford Coppola, Stephen Spielberg, Sam Ramie, Joe Dante, among others.

Other featured actors in the film include New York theater veteran Gerry Lehane, Yvonne Woods(Yale Rep, ACT, Alley Theater), PaSean Wilson (Another World, Striptease), Stephen McKinley Henderson (Drama Desk Award Winner for Jitney, Everyday People, Law & Order) Dana Snyder (Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force).

PRESS CONTACT:
Adam Eisenstein
Director of Marketing and Development
Co-producer, If You Could Say It In Words
A Chip & A Chair Films
646-221-2254
aeisenstein@chipchair.com

WEBSITES:
Movie: www.ifyoucould-movie.com
Company: www.chipchair.com
Film Festival: www.derbycityfilmfest.com

The post Review: If You Could Say it in Words [Asperger Love Story] – October Premiere appeared first on Wrong Planet.

“I’m a 20 year old guy with Asperger’s who’d really like to have some kind of romantic relationship, but I’m finding a lot of barriers in my path and I wonder if you could shed some light on my situation. I’m utterly at a loss to understand how to flirt… The suggestions I’ve been given set off alarm bells in my head of intrusive behavior and being otherwise imposing or even creepy, despite being told point blank that it’s what I need to do.

I hardly need to tell you that sending “signals” of any kind is often difficult for people with Asperger’s, and I’m no exception. Do you have any advice on how to learn to flirt, so I can stop (apparently) blindsiding women and start approaching them the way they expect to be approached?”

-Zaq

Read on for BeenThereDoneThat’s response!

Dear Zaq:

I’ll tell you a secret. Most NTs (I am not one, but I have a lot of friends who are) have exactly the same problem you have. A romantic relationship takes time. You don’t try to get deeply involved with a girl on the first date. If you pick the right person (and that is really hard and it takes time) you won’t have to “flirt.” Especially if you’re meeting women online, or going to bars it’s really hard, and single women who go to bars usually aren’t looking for a dating relationship.

You need to get yourself into a situation where you see and talk to the same girl again and again (I don’t mean be pushy about it). School is a good place. Wrong Planet is a good, safe, online place, and church clubs are a good place. Flirting isn’t the important part of a relationship anyway. Getting to know the other person so they want to be with you is more important.

Being a good listener is more important. Sometimes asking a girl about herself, and then sitting back and listening for an hour with an occasional question that’s on the topic that she’s talking about is a good technique. Women have the same fears as men (well, a little different, but basically the same), and there is no “right approach” to a woman, because not all women are the same.

And, if after all of this, on about the third date, you tell her you have feelings for her (and you really have to have feelings for her….it can’t just be a line), and she says “get lost,” or something like that, then smile, walk away, and start again. There are lots of women out there. I’d say the same thing if this letter were from a woman. (and if you read some of the forums on WP, you’ll see that some women are just as concerned about meeting people as you are). You will not win every time. But it only takes one “yes.”

– BeenThereDoneThat



Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How do I learn to Flirt? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

While reading some interesting literature, I stumbled upon research that showed similarities between serotonin’s role in OCD and the role serotonin plays in neurochemical bonding, more commonly known as “love.” The idea of chemicals causing love, and the fact that at least one of these “love chemicals” is directly responsible for giving us our aspie traits, fascinates me.

Serotonin is actually the chemical that interacts with the brain during the initial “attraction” phase of a relationship, along with dopamine and norepinephrine (it’s no coincidence that the anti-depressants prescribed for OCD, serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, can cause a decrease in a person’s ability to fall in love). Interestingly, lower-than-normal levels of serotonin are common among “newfound lovers” and are also common in, you guesssed it, people with OCD.

Consequently, you could say that the newly-lovestruck couple going to prom together for the first time have actually fallen into OCD with each other; although you’d probably receive strange looks from anyone who hears you utter such a bizzare bastardization of a ubiquitously understood phrase. Wow, the term “love-sickness” is starting to make a whole lot of sense now, isn’t it?

Unlike Serotonin (which plays an important role in the early stage of a relationship), a chemical known as Oxytocin is linked to the long term bonding phase of a more mature romantic relationship. I bet you can guess what chemical is released into the brains of two lovers after they experience an orgasm (hint: it starts with a big O).

Oxytocin may not be directly linked to OCD, however. But Oxytocin and Sertonin, along with other neuro chemicals (such as Testosterone, Estrogen, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Vasopressin) interact to create the whole spectrum of “romantic love” that two humans experience together. An even larger variety of neurochemicals constantly work in parallel to create the full human emotional experience, which manifests itself mentally as well as physically (it’s not just a coincidence that your palms start to sweat and your heart begins to beat a little faster when you run into that special someone).

Interestingly enough, due to the bizarre ways these neuro chemicals interact with your brain, certain levels of Oxytocin may play a role in OCD and Asperger’s after all! Why else would the Journal of Neuropsychopharmacology publish a study² in 2003 entitled Oxytocin Infusion Reduces Repetitive Behaviors in Adults with Autistic and Asperger’s Disorders? This study argues that “repetitive behavior in autism spectrum disorders may be related to abnormalities in the oxytocin system, and may be partially ameliorated by synthetic oxytocin infusion.” Say what?

Wait. Does this mean that having a lot of sex will decrease the amount of time you spend stimming and also cause you to spend less time focused on your special interests? I have no idea; I’m not a clinical neuropsychopharmacologist.

References

• [1] “On Love,” National Geographic, February 2006
• [2] Neuropsychopharmacology (2003) 28, 193-198.
• [3] Wikipedia contributors, “Love (scientific views),” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Love_%28scientific_views%29&oldid=113411348 (accessed March 11, 2007).

The swan photograph, by R Neil Marshman, is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike license.

^{© Alexander Plank, 2007}

The post Your Brain’s ‘Love Chemicals’ may also make you Autistic appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Mozart and the Whale is a compelling tale about the power of love and its ability to overcome everything, even among two individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. But the story it tells is something to which we can all relate. It provides hope to those of us who have been lonely our entire lives. Perhaps we will one day be able to experience true love, when we least expect it.

Jerry is a brilliant mathematical autistic savant who drives a taxi for a living. Mary is a talented musician who has used her gift working in places such as Radio City Music Hall and Hollywood Bowl. The two meet each other in an interesting sequence of events that explains a lot about who they truly were before they found one another.

The story’s narration alternates between Jerry’s and Mary’s voice, telling the story from both sides of the relationship. It’s quite enlightening to hear the differing perspectives and feelings of these two unique individuals. Both characters have quirks that make the story that much more interesting. But these quirks oddly attract each other. For example, Mary becomes oddly fascinated by Jerry’s answering machine message, which mentions the names of his pet parakeets. Jerry and Mary both share the common interest of keeping pet birds.

While the two characters are similar in many ways, Mozart and the Whale illustrates the different set of problems males and females with Asperger’s have with relationships. On one side is Jerry, who has not been in hardly any relationships, during his life. On the other side is Mary, who has been in many relationships, but has been consistently hurt by men who do not like her for who she is. The book effectively portrays these differences in a way that relates Jerry and Mary’s experiences to the general experiences of most males and females with Asperger’s, which, interestingly enough, seem to follow along the same divisional lines.

Telling you too much about the story would ruin the many surprises it contains, but rest assured that this is a must read for anyone who plans on or knows someone who plans on falling in love at some point in his or her life. Even if you’ve seen the movie, the fresh approach of this novel makes the Newports’ story worth a second look.

Order a copy of Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story.

You won’t be disappointed.

Check back later this week for our review of Daniel Tammet’s Born On A Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant

The post Review: Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–littleoctagon

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I’ve tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven’t taken the time to get to know the woman and she’s not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to “bust a move”, convincing a woman that I’m worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”

–littleoctagon

If science’s forays into human behavior have taught us anything, it is that our behavior has a mind-boggling complexity to it. This includes aspies.

One almost magical pattern that nevertheless has a scientific basis is the idea that we “pull in” certain types of people. It’s like relationship karma. Everybody has seen it: the man who says he wants a committed relationship but can’t seem to refrain from hooking up one-night stands. Or how about the sweet woman who swears she wants a nice guy but dates one abusive jerk after another?

You’ve spotted a pattern like this in yourself. You’re pulling in women who will pretend to be something they are not so that they can immediately enjoy the shelter of a man’s love. As an aspie, you’re a sucker for such a ruse, because you don’t sense the game they are playing intuitively. You jump in, and only then does it dawn on you that the pool is full of maple syrup.

So that leaves us with your last question: “Why bother?” Well, maybe your pattern is a way for your subconscious (so to speak) to sabotage a relationship you don’t really want. Ask yourself, “I say I want a relationship, but I’m not making it happen, either because the relationship is bad or not there at all. Is it really what I want?” You may find that you really don’t want a relationship right now and are seeking one only because these days the entire developed world is in a frenzy over sex, egged on by advertising, entertainment, the Internet, and wacko social norms.

If you do want a relationship, then I recommend changing the one thing you seek to change in others: be up-front and truthful about yourself. Rather than trying to “bust a move”, as you put it, be yourself—to a fault. Be kind, but let your true nature come out in full view, and say what you think.

Now, many women will be turned off, since most people can’t handle autistic behavior. It’s too honest and too raw. This will be difficult for you to bear at first. But a few women will be drawn to the real you, the honest, childlike, beautiful you. They’ll find you fresh and exciting. These women will be different, not the ones you’ve pulled in before, the ones who compulsively seek to be sheltered and taken care of at the expense of everything else. No, these will be strong women, ones who esteem honesty. And they will have the desire to show you their true selves just as you’ve shown yourself to them. You will have an entirely new basis for relationships.

It takes courage for an aspie to show his true self to others. It goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame, because we think everyone would rather see an act we put on. But the act is pulling in relationships you don’t want. So bear it all and break the pattern. We’ll be rooting for you!

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–AlienGirl

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I’ve been told by exs that I’m not capable of having a relationship and I think they’re right. I don’t know if I can love – I don’t love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you’re supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it’s just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”

–AlienGirl

I want to discuss a myth that may or may not be influencing you.

Among aspies, there’s a myth that goes something like this: “NTs (Neurologically Typicals) socialize because they gain glorious, heartfelt relationships that fulfill them and bring them warmth and joy.” Well, go say that to an NT. You’ll get roars of laughter. They’ll tell you in a twink that statement is nosense.

So why do NTs indulge in so much mingling and sparkling, chatting and joking?

The important point to understand is that socialization is by and large a game for NTs. You’re an aspie, so you’re likely unaware of it, but when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you’re actually stepping onto a gigantic chessboard. On this board, NTs are competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think up.

Now, you probably find this incredible. “Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?” Well, most NTs love the game of socialization. Not only that, they assume everyone else does, too, so they don’t think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. Moreover, they are so deep into the game that few are aware of it. But really, it fuels their interest in attending gatherings. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.

Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it’s neither genuine nor lasting. Please … don’t think I’m saying NTs are a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (well some are, but that’s another rant…). NT genes hardwire the behavior in, and they assume you play the game of socialization at parties, and that’s all.

Now, we aspies don’t see our way in this game clearly, if at all. That’s why aspies can’t stand parties, and why the myth arises. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and we put ourselves in their positions: “Boy, if I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I’d feel great. I’d feel sincere and connected.” Then we assume that NTs feel that way, too.

But wait! We don’t see the deficit. We don’t sense that social acumen brings with it a curse of constant, compulsive gamesmanship and hiding of one’s true identity. NTs at a party compare well to gambling addicts: they can’t stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. Ever wonder why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, “I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie”? Well, the game is playing them, and at that point, it’s no longer fun.

Now, to tackle your problem: can aspies have real friendships and relationships? Yes, they can. But you’re not going to find them in the usual places. Friendships need a basis. If you go to parties and sit around the keg trying to base your friendships or loves on playing the socialization game, you will almost certainly be smashed and ignored.

Thank goodness, there are alternatives. Certain activities minimize the amount of competition within the group in favor of competing against another group or achieving some common goal. Sports are a good example. Or if you’re not athletic, bird watching clubs, chess clubs, church food drives, dancing lessons, collecting clubs … and the list goes on. The important point: these activities place you on the same team as the people you’re sharing space with, not in social competition with them. And in these activities, you’re much more likely to run into some bloke who’s looking for someone just like you.

Now, based on what we’ve gone over here, I would like you to consider that your previous relationship failures and friendship mishaps may have sprung—at least in part—from getting involved in a game you were not equipped to play. Those people likely demanded moves of you that you didn’t comprehend. When you didn’t respond as required, you seemed hopeless to them.

But we know you’re not hopeless. You just didn’t know which games to pick and which to say, “Um, no. Not playing that one.” And by the way, you can love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be making such an effort to find a way to relate to all these NT weirdos. Best wishes. :^)

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? appeared first on Wrong Planet.